Back when Husband and I first started TTC we would discretely refer to AF's arrival as "resetting". The day after my miscarriage, I hit the reset button literally on my fertility monitor. I opened the period log app on my iPhone and took one final look at the message "Your period day is due by 16 days". I figured the only time I would ever see this reminder again was if I became pregnant, or if we stop trying and I no longer give a shit about my cycle. Although I rarely drink coffee, I stopped at Starbucks on my way to work for a grande sized latte... just because I could.
I called my RE to give him the update. I stared out the window and let my mind drift as he started the spiel. I've given the news of a non-viable pregnancy and impending miscarriage to hundreds of patients, and as experienced as I am in breaking the news, it has never gotten any easier since the first time I stumbled my way thought it. Even though I knew exactly what he was going to say, it wasn't any easier to hear. That this was likely due to an underlying chromosomal or developmental abnormality. Nothing I did or didn't do caused the miscarriage to happen. He added, "I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel any better", which I thought was a pretty good line to use and I may adopt it. He continued, "Someday when you're thirty weeks pregnant, this will seem like a distant memory". Dude, slow down! Thirty weeks? I just want to get another BFP.
Unfortunately, I didn't have to look too far to find one. My RE wanted to see my HCG level reach zero, and I didn't want to bruise my arm with multiple draws, so I decided I would go to the lab once my home pregnancy test was negative. The persistent blue line on the stick that once caused such elation is now pissing me off. Go the fuck away. It is so agonising to have a positive test, when you know you're not really pregnant. Once it becomes negative, I'll know the reset process is complete. I had one more thing to do to get ready to move forward. I finally went to the Pharmacy to pick up my prescription for Femara. It was dropped off in anticipation of my IUI cycle the day before the initial BFP. I also added one more song to my 80's playlist. Another English band (the Brits so rocked the 80's) with a song that represents our situation:
No, I don't know where I'm going,
But I sure know where I've been,
Hanging on the promises,
In the songs of yesterday,
An' I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time,
Here I go again, here I go again
My Re said something similar after at my last appointment..."You'll have to bring this baby in for me to see it!" In a way I find it comforting that she is so positive, but then on off days I find it kind of dismissive. As for that annoying BFP line, here's hoping it goes away soon and you can get started again.
ReplyDeleteI found it almost as annoying as when my BFF fertile Myrtle talks with such certainty. I realise he's the one helping us to make it happen, but don't promise what you can't guarantee!
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