I've described in some of my previous posts why I haven't shared any of our infertility and pregnancy struggles with my parents. After this recent miscarriage, I paused to reconsider that decision. Although it felt a bit more like an obligation, rather than needing to share with my parents to gain emotional support. Perhaps it's my only child up bringing that established independence from my parents at an early age. I was never the child clinging to her mother's leg on the first day of school. When my mother was considering going back to work, I encouraged her to go and let me be a member of the latchkey kid club. The only 'I want my Mommy!' moment that I can remember, occurred when I was sick (and misdiagnosed by the student health centre) during my third year of University. I called the restaurant where my mother was attending a holiday party (this was in the day before everyone had a mobile phone) to tell her I was ill. "Jane, what do you want me to do? (she was obviously past her second glass of wine) I'm five hours away. You'll have to take care of yourself." While her words may sound harsh, it was the advice I needed to hear. The next day I drove myself to an urgent care clinic and was diagnosed with pneumonia.
I know that in this situation my mother can't kiss me on the head and promise to make everything better. I know much more about procreation, assisted reproduction and pregnancy than she does. I feel that I would probably be the one providing moral support to her. I also fear that if I share the details of our infertility with my parents, my mother will likely discuss with her sister and Myrtle's mother. As I've outlined how clueless Myrtle is, keep in mind that the apple doesn't fall from the tree. In addition to wanting to surprise my parents with the joyous news of a successful pregnancy, I want to disclose to our extended family on my terms and properly educate them about infertility and assisted reproduction. I don't need Myrtle's mother telling mine that I just need to stand on my head like she did while trying to conceive Myrtle's brother; or to have my aunt offer that we'll likely get pregnant once we stop trying all this test tube experimentation.
I refused to do this during the ten minutes of my pregnancy, but I plugged my dates into the gestational wheel of fortune. I would have been 13 weeks at the end of January when Husband has his trip back east. Provided that things had progressed and my genetic testing was normal, I could have flown out with him to announce the pregnancy to my parents. Husband suggested informing them about our situation over the phone while he is visiting, but I think this type of news has to be delivered by me in person. However, as we'll (hopefully) be doing our FET in January/February, I can't leave during that time. I also looked ahead to the first week in April. My dad and I are taking a father/daughter trip to the University of Connecticut National Championship Invitational (I mean, the NCAA Women's Final Four). I envisioned that it would be a little awkward to be sharing a hotel room with my dad while five months pregnant, but I could have learned to get over it.
Speaking of things that are awkward, Husband and I both agreed that we probably should bring them in the loop if we get to the point of doing a second fresh IVF cycle. Then Husband said something to the effect of, "I'm sure they would offer to help us financially". He then started thinking out loud, "If they could help with the cost of meds, that would be great." He also added, "I'm sure they would, as my parents gave us $1,500."
AGGGUUHHHH! Now this discussion is starting to get very uncomfortable. When we purchased our house, we had to borrow some money from my parents to make our 15% downpayment. It was really humbling as I earn more than both of my parents, but I had to accept that without their assistance we would be continuing to throw money away while renting. We paid off the debt in less than two years, but I felt like I was under scrutiny during that time. Could I really ask them to help fund their grandchild? Furthermore, I don't want to create a tit-for-tat between the potential grandparents. Although I could make the case that Husband's parents didn't specifically give us $1,500 for IVF expenses; it was their leftover vacation money, as they didn't go anywhere or do anything while they were here. I'm sure it just made more sense than losing value again on the currency exchange. I recall how my mother insisted that I adopt her method for cutting up an avocado for guacamole. I can only imagine her potential to be controlling if she's invested in my baby... Sigh. I'm remembering a time when the only possible awkward procreation related interaction with your parents was if they walked in on you while you were having sex...
Neither a lender or borrower be .... William Shakespeare.
My in-laws have helped us out financially a lot over the past few years. My parents have helped as much as they could, but I've never felt comfortable asking for more. My parents just aren't as wealthy as my in-laws. In an ideal world we'd never have to ask for financial assistance from our parents because it does feel a little awkward wondering how many strings are attached.
ReplyDeleteA mother is a mother. I had the same fear that my mother, although very supportive emotionally, would share my procreation news and method with my aunts. And I also don't want her to share the wrong information. So I waited until the last possible minute to share the IVF news with her, before I had to blatantly lie in front of her face about the meds at home and my whereabouts. It is an awkward thing to share. I admire those people who have a very open and understanding relationship with their parents. As far as the money, yes, that makes it awkward too. My parents helped us with our property and the remodeling. Bob often thinks that we owe them. But your mother is probably going to be controlling regardless of the financial involvement in your cycle. So... might as well get some help from them. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope that if you do choose to tell your parents that they react just as you'd want them to and that you end up with nothing but more support and love from them as you go through this journey!
ReplyDeleteAnd PS- I love the UConn women's team! And who doesn't love Geno?!
When my mother-in-law offered to give us money to help us out he said (and I quote) "I'd rather borrow money from Time Warner Cable" (our local cable company). WOW! That made it as clear as a bell to me. It's such a tough spot to be in. Part of my mind would think "do anything" but there were just somethngs that "we just couldn't live with"...and that happened to be one for my HB. Always wishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Yes. I hear you. I'm so jealous of the bloggers I read who have such open and honest relationships with their parents. I wish I had that kind of support from them, but we haven't told anyone about our infertility, especially not our parents. It doesn't help that my parents are wealthy, and probably would be willing to help us out financially. It just feels weird practically asking, "Daddy, will you buy me a baby?"
ReplyDeleteMy in-laws insisted on helping out for IVF#2 so that we could have money left for IVF#3 (or as it's now become, potential DE IVF). We didn't tell my parents because we didn't want to create any inequality in feelings between them, and my folks just aren't in a situation to give us that much money. I've told M though that what I'd eventually like to do (if we have a baby from IVF #2) is take the amount of money his parents gave us and put it into an education fund; that way it will feel like the money was a gift to our baby instead of to us.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL helped us out a lot financially. We probably wouldn't have been able to do IVF #3 when we did without her. I am very grateful to her as she has said its a gift and she is investing in her family. It does make me a little uncomfortable to accept that kind of money, though. And I do feel a little bit like there are strings attached, but that may be me reading into things that aren't there.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough one. Both our families know - and MIL feels that she needs to know about every detail. It stresses me out, as I feel put on the spot (or at least my body). My brothers and father are more laid-back and ask occasionally, if at all - maybe because they are guys, maybe that's the way they roll. I certainly understand the need to tell this in person, rather than on the phone. Good luck with whatever decision you make. I hope they'll react in a positive and supportive way.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, my husband could totally have made the same comment about financial help, and it would instantly have made me uncomfortable, too!
This is a hard situation for sure. We ended up telling my parents and MIL about our infertility after the loss last March. They were supportive, but it was also awkward and didn't really produce the results I expected in some cases. My MIL continued with the constant stories about grandchildren/baby/random pregnant people, and that pissed me off because I couldn't understand why that would continue when she knew our situation. I think the basic lesson for me was that generally speaking, people are going to continue being how they already are, regardless of new information. I also opened up to my sisters, one of whom has been awesome and the other of whom has been a complete ass. So I don't know. In a way, opening up was freeing, but it also led to frustration because my expectations would be too high, thinking "well, since they know, they surely wouldn't do/say ______," and then someone would proceed to do/say precisely that, in spite of having full knowledge of of situation.
ReplyDeleteThat is pretty awesome about scoring the leftover vacation money from your in-laws! I guess some good came of them camping out in your house after all, ha.
We were afraid to ask my in laws for money for the very same reason. I can totally see my MIL believing she then owned a right to when and how much she could see the babies. (Don't get me wrong, I have great in laws, but her feelings get hurt if we don't call often enough). As for telling your parents about your IF struggles, I'd say go with your gut. I think it would be super hard to let my mom go on believing I never wanted kids though. You'd probably end up hearing about that down the road, but then, your mom sounds like someone that is going to have an opinion either way and not hesitate to tell you about it. I say good luck on all accounts! I hope the FET works out and that will be the end of it! Other than raising the baby of course :)
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