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Friday 15 August 2014

Maybe This Time Will be for Real..

I've previously written that there are no external factors that will influence the likelihood on whether or not our embryo sticks. It doesn't matter if I adopt a positive attitude and exude optimistic energy. The recent unfortunate events in our life won't tip the scales in our favour. Even transferring a known euploid embryo doesn't do too much to raise my confidence. Yet, there is one recent observation, which suggests that this might actually work.

In the ever persistent body image battle of self versus self esteem, I'm surprisingly finding myself on the side of self acceptance. In the many weeks leading into the transfer, I once again went through the ritual of dedicating myself to fitness and proper eating in order to optimise my body before a possible pregnancy. Of course, this time was going to be different compared to all the other times I made such a vow in vain.

Well, it sort of was. I was quite frustrated as I couldn't swim or go to the gym for more than a week due to my injured finger; so I did a lot of yoga videos. I've also become Paleo-ish. Aramis, I can hear you groaning how you warned me that this could happen if I joined a Cross Fit gym. To be fair, they really don't push it that hard, but one day Husband decided to order a Paleo cookbook that was recommended on our gym's webpage. I flipped through Nom Nom Paleo: Food for Humans, and the strangest thing happened; I found myself wanting to cook. Never in my life have I ever found any desire to cook; it's merely been an alternative to starving. The author is local to the Bay Area, and she has cartoon pictures of herself and her family throughout the book, which lends to the illusion that cooking is actually fun! I then picked up Make Ahead Paleo and Quick and Easy Paleo Comfort Foods. I haven't fully embraced the Paleo concept, so I'm not strict, but it has been an objective of mine to eat less processed foods as well as avoid foods made with flour and sugars. The Paleo cookbooks provided ideas and instructions, but I've been adding notes to each recipe and making some of my own adaptations. Husband is keen to know who is this woman in his kitchen and what has she done with his wife?

I didn't weigh myself, but within a few weeks, I could tell that I had lost some weight. The one spot where no woman wants to lose. I've read that the first place you lose is the last place you gain, and the first place you gain is the last place you lose. For me, the first loss is my chest. Husband noticed it too, although he admitted he was reluctant to mention it to me. My relay swim teammate was not so subtle, as it caught her ire. "Allen! You need to wear a tighter suit or get bigger boobs!" Loose fabric can cost precious tenths of a second. The other limitation is that I think it would take a famine to reduce my backside. As competitive as I am, I'd rather sacrifice the time than expose any ass cleavage.

There were other moments of frustration. I have such a hard time finding clothes that fit me. I went to Abercrombie and Fitch to purchase a some men's jeans. "Would your boyfriend like some graphic tees to go with these?" asked the saleswoman. I decided that the compliment that I looked young enough to be dating a guy who would wear graphic tees trumped the humiliation that I was buying them for myself. I also saw a photo of Co-worker in a two piece on Facebook. Post full term twins she looks fucking awesome. Fucking bitch. All my insecurities rose to the surface. I'm working so hard just to maintain what I have, how will I ever recover from the affects of a pregnancy?  Fortunately, my Husband was there to offer some much needed perspective. "Ah, you don't look like that now, so don't worry about it." I retreated to our room to sulk and re-consider that I might actually have the time and energy to dedicate to an eating disorder. Husband came in offering a cup of tea, but he didn't apologise or take back his words. "Jane, you can't compare yourself to her. She's a six foot string bean. Look at yourself compared to others who have your frame and muscle structure," as he suggested a few names from our gym. Wow, I thought, as I sipped my tea. He's going to be really good at this if we do have a daughter.

I, on the other hand, may not be such a good role model. I'm finding validation through others. After explaining the swim suit sizing dilemma, two of my swim teammates conceded that I have "a good ass for a white girl". Oddly, Co-worker and two of our medical assistants all paid me compliments one day. I was starting to suspect that Co-worker may have put them up to it, but I overheard a third say, "if I had Jane's body, I'd walk around naked all the time." Okay... a little awkward... A few days later, someone honked and gave me a thumbs up while I was running. Why is there no greater instant injection to your self esteem than the attention of some creepy perv?

Yet most importantly, there have been some moments when I have glanced in the mirror, and my first thought is 'not bad.' It's time to accept that after almost three years of calorie counting, low carbing, gluten freeing, swimming, running, cross fitting and yoga; this is as good as it's ever going to get. Just as after three years of ovulation monitors, scheduled coitus, intrauterine inseminations, a desperation day 3 transfer and some unlucky single frozen transfers; this opportunity with known euploid embryos, is a good as we could ever hope to get. So C'mon embies. All this is yours to wreck.


16 comments:

  1. You are looking great! Keep up the good work! And i do hope you get fat but only in a i'm pregnant "fat" kind of way! hehehe!

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  2. You look amazing! I am feeling quite depressed about my body at the moment....I ended up with tons of stretch marks on various body parts and I am not confident that I won't have two inches of loose belly skin hanging over my panty line for the rest of my life! Enjoy and flaunt that bod while you can lady!

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  3. OMG you are gorgeous!! And you are fit - always more sexy in my view than an emaciated figure (OK I don't think emaciated is sexy at all - I think it's disgusting). Re: pregnancy and your body - everyone is different but my guess is that if you've had a healthy lifestyle before you are not going to suddenly lose all of that (although you may not be able to have the identical lifestyle). I spent most of first trimester on the couch trying not to puke/ completely lose my mind (occasionally succeeding) but my body is still fine. And it's just as well if you boobs are smaller because when you get pregnant they GROW AND GROW. There comes a point where this is less than convenient. lol. So enjoy your body and your good health - IF takes such a toll on body confidence. It's so easy to focus on what's wrong but every part of you that is healthy makes a big difference too. Wishing you the best as you go Onward.

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  4. I don't comment much, but I read your blogs all the time. You do look amazing, and a great figure (even if your boobs have shrunk they still look good and feminine)! I'm assuming your body will tolerate pregnancy well, your eating habits and consistent exercise is going to play a huge role in maintaining a great shape even while pregnant. Although, I am entertaining the same thoughts, come on sticky baby, wreck this body. Hoping for nothing but the best as you move forward and I sincerely hope this yields a positive outcome.

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  5. Great post! Thanks for this. I am feeling anxiety and pressure of my pending 5th round! www.mommy-dreaming.blogspot.com

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  6. Jane this is an awesome post! I have been reading but not commenting much with the craziness of the twins. It is hard accepting our bodies when they change (for whatever reason) and I am trying to learn to love my new squishier body. I was so happy for you for your good embryo results & will be thinking of you & hoping for you as you go forward!

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  7. "This is as good as it's ever going to get": that's exactly how I felt just before our DEIVF cycle. I'd been skinnier in the past (due to excessive cardio and calorie counting) but this time around I was more muscular and healthy than I think I'd ever been. And I realized I wasn't satisfied either. I've actually said to M that I really need to work on this if we end up with a daughter. I don't want to pass this kind of attitude on. You look phenomenal, and you are in such good shape health-wise that I won't even snark on you for eating Paleo. The second you start posting "brownie" recipes that call for dates and carob, however, I'm outta here.

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  8. Looking good girl! I did Paleo. One whole month of it. And more than Paleo. It was very tough. But both Bob and I lost a ton of weight and were very fit because we were also working out. I loved that body but it was just too tough to go back to. Excited for you for your transfer!

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  9. No flour? I don't think I could... But you sure look great! And since that seems to be hard work, not just lucky metabolism genes, you might even be able to get this body back once your baby is here.

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  10. You look fantastic! I love Nom Nom Paleo, but like you, I am only paleo-ish. Sending you lots of good energy on the west coast!

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  11. You look Amazing! Yep, I'd do just about anything to have the will power and self control to get your body! :)

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  12. You look so great!! I'm sure you will look great during & after pregnancy too :)

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  13. You look amazing! And I really am hoping that those embryos "wreck it"!!! ;)

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  14. You look fab, lady! I wish I was maintaining some sort of self control right now but BCP + Lupron has basically thrown all of that out the window and all I want to do is eat. Love the idea that it's time for those embryos to wreck it - how far are you from this transfer? I would assume it's coming up fairly soon seeing as how I am finally getting a bit closer as well.

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  15. You look amazing. And I hope a baby ruins everything.

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  16. Thanks for being honest about your body image. I think it's impossible to not feel self conscious about how we look, at least for me! I love your ass cleavage comment. Yep, that's me! I think you look great. No, scratch that. I think you look fantastic, although I am really hoping that there's an embryo in wait to wreck all that hard work you've done!

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