When I was in my early to mid twenties, I read an article in Glamour magazine entitled 'Throw Me a Shower!'. The author was a successful single woman in her late thirties soon to be 4-0. She reflected upon the number of expensive items she had given her friends as wedding or baby shower gifts over the past twenty years, but because after many blind dates, set-ups and failed dating site memberships, she wouldn't receive anything in return as she hadn't found a soul mate. She even seemed to be a little critical of some friends who were on husband #2 after falling for Mr Wrong the first time around. When one friend admitted that she started having an affair a few months after her wedding, the author went to her house and took back the wine rack she gave as a wedding gift, in a move that I thought was awesome. The article struck a chord with me. After landing my first real job, I furnished my own apartment. Albeit, it was through consignment stores, IKEA and taking advantage of extended interest free credit card offers. Then boyfriend-now-Husband and I were talking about getting married in a few years and it insulted the feminist in me that I could be eligible to receive a new toaster from someone just for getting married.
I could follow that the tradition of giving flatware or a crock-pot made more sense when couples married at a much younger age. "People will want to give you wedding gifts." my Maid of Honour Myrtle tried to convince me. Um, that is some serious bullshit. When have you ever heard someone exclaim 'Oh, I am so stoked! I have to go shopping for a wedding present this weekend!' Of course, internet shopping has made this chore so much more pleasant. You can be sitting in your pajamas and slippers, click*click*gift wrap*send to their address*...and done! All before finishing your first cup of coffee. We had some practical considerations against setting up a wedding registry. Our wedding was in England, but we were living in Connecticut and preparing to move to California within a few months. Instead, we suggested guests could contribute to our honeymoon through Australia and New Zealand, and we labelled the tables at our reception based on our intended destinations. Some even gave us Australian currency.
I decided that I could accept the notion of wedding gifts on a few grounds. As many other friends were also getting hitched at this time, it had become a mutual exchange. Even for those who weren't recently married, our guests were treated to cocktails and appetizers in a beautiful English garden, a nice meal, an open bar and a live band for entertainment. They were getting something in return. Although I felt a little guilty exploiting this concept when a someone told me that she brings a blank cheque to weddings and estimates what she needs to give in order to cover the cost of her plate. Wedding gift giving should be a reflection of your relationship and what you can appropriately afford. The couple who goes over the top and splurges shouldn't receive more in gifts, as it is those who can only manage a backyard reception who probably need more help starting out.
I struggle even more with the idea of a baby gift registry. My inner conservative Republican insists that if we're making the decision to have a baby, we should be able to provide for it ourselves. That we shouldn't expect anyone else to furnish our nursery. I had these feelings long before we even started trying to conceive and the pricetag of our infertility treatments only makes my feelings more salient. My pride fears that I'll come off as a charity case. Oh look at her! Spent all their money trying to have a baby and had nothing left when it finally arrived... I'm just so uncomfortable with the thought of putting a gift list together and distributing it. When one of my high school friends sent a bridal shower invite to a girl who had moved out of state, the recipient sent the invite back with a note that read, 'I haven't heard from you in nearly two years. How nice that the first correspondence I receive is a list of gifts that I can send you.' It just feels very gauche. Or perhaps, I don't want to be so presumptive to think that anyone will purchase anything from our registry
Once again, one can argue that it's part of a mutual obligation in our society. I think back to the Sex and the City episode, where the girls convince Miranda to have a baby shower. "Who would I invite?" she asks. "All the bitches you made you go to theirs!" Samantha wisely answers. Yet, there are other consequences of being the last of your friends to have a baby. When our friends in England started breeding like rabbits, Husband and I were very generous with both the first and second child. The couples who had a third baby received condoms as a gift. (Oh, yes. I did.) One even sent me a note, "Thank you for the year's supply of Johnnies [it was a pack of 3]. I opened it in front of my mother-in-law, who was most approving of your gift!" Again, long before my IUD-ectomy, I warned Husband that even if we did procreate, our friends would be too poor for any reciprocity. Unfortunately, my premonition came to fruition. During his recent trip to his homeland, he observed that most of our friends are living hand to mouth. It doesn't seem right to ask anything of them. I attended many baby showers for my friends on the east coast, but the years and distance have eroded our friendship to an occasional Facebook message and Christmas cards. I can't be like my high school friend and deliver a gift list out of the blue, just because it's now my turn.
So, I really shouldn't complain that I've already had a few offers for a baby shower, but it has become a source of stress for me. My mother revealed that my aunt wants to throw a shower for me. I guess she feels inclined as my mother isn't nearby and she actually won't see me again before the baby is born. The difficult aspect is that I feel as if I'm in a transitional state with my friends. About this time last year, our 'friends' H+B stopped hanging out with us. We're not sure why. We know they don't want to have kids and always felt the friendship would change if we ever did have a baby, so maybe it was better to part ways now. However, they were our connection to a few other couples, who we would enjoy their company when we would get together, but we didn't have enough of a bond or enough in common to go out with them on our own. As I've been swimming at nights and missed our last two meets, I feel I've pulled away from my swim teammates. I haven't played much in the past two seasons, so I'm out of the loop with my hockey friends. It's also awkward as I waited so long to tell people about my pregnancy and may have to prepare for an early arrival. It doesn't feel right to spring such a short notice request on anyone. We've started hanging out with some people from our gym, but it's too soon to estrange them with an baby shower invite.
Co-worker warned, "you know they will throw you a shower at the office." It's become a bit of a ritual, our practice manager will announce a fake staff meeting that is really a surprise shower whenever there is an expecting team member. She even goes as far as to create a false agenda. At one event, the intended guest of honour actually submitted some topics for the agenda, and while touched by everyone's generosity, she was disappointed that her concerns didn't get addressed. I've had to endure seven office baby showers since trying to conceive. I think about Betty and Veronica who experienced infertility, but never went through treatments. I know there are some staff members who are trying to conceive and aren't having much luck. I hate to think about subjecting them to the bitter feelings I had during baby showers. As our office has grown so much, I have to admit that I don't even know the names of some new faces. Why should they be expected to give me a gift when we don't even really know each other? Additionally, and I know this sounds really elitist, as I am among the higher earners in our group, I don't feel comfortable accepting offerings from those who make much less than me, especially as some live paycheque to paycheque.
I can't say that I resist being at the centre of attention. I enjoy teaching and I deliver a lot of professional lectures. I'm very comfortable with public speaking. When Myrtle asked if I would be okay with her having another friend (Helen) serve as her Maid of Honour, I was actually happy to be relieved of the extra responsibility, but I asked if I could give the toast. I knew that Helen would be nervous about speaking in front of a large crowd, and it would irk me to watch her stumble through it. My content was heartfelt and my delivery was flawless. I knocked it out of the park and I knew it. Many guests approached me to comment on how impressive my speech was, and two members of the band told me it was among the best they had heard. I was gloating inside. Yet, the thought of being in the spotlight at a even a small baby shower terrifies me. I expressed that I didn't want a shower during the ten minute duration of my spontaneous pregnancy, and now I am even more resistant. It's hard to celebrate this pregnancy without reflecting on the painful road we travelled and as potential complications are lurking, I still feel that I am tempting fate.
Please note, I don't project these throughts or feelings on to anyone else to has a baby shower or does a gift registry. I've attended many showers and purchased gifts from registeries without thinking that the couple can't provide for their own baby and are expecting others to fill their nursery. Although I thought it was very tactless when Mryrtle finished opening her gifts and announced, "So, no one wanted to go for the breast pump?" I've been trying to figure out why I'm wired this way. (Husband notes that I mispelled wired and meant to use the word weird) The only thing I can identify is that as an only child I grew up fighting the sterotype that I was spolit and it has stuck with me through adulthood. Then again, I also lack the girlie gene that makes me want to buy fancy shoes and expensive purses. I didn't have a bridal shower or bachlerette party. This is just not my scene.
Yet, I'm still faced with many awkward realities. We used a 21 month interest free credit card for all our IVF expenses, which ironically ends on my intended due date. When we submitted the application, our goal was to have a baby before the interest free time expired. Now it is Husband's goal to have all the IVF expenses paid before Jate's arrival. The inconveniently timed garage renovation is getting more expensive as we get deeper into the project. Fortunately, our tax return was much more than we were expecting, which definately provides some breathing room. Yet I know babies are really expensive. As proud as I am, I'm also pragmatic. I have moments when I'm tempted to say 'oh, fuck it!' and just yield to social convention. But, I.just.can't.bring.myself.to.do.it.
Anything that anyone offers us will be most deeply appreciated. However, if anyone were to give us some gesture toward our baby, I would want it to be on his or her own volition. Without streamers and finger sandwiches and not being able to ever eat a candy bar ever again because you're thinking about baby poop. Without someone thinking, 'fuck, this is more than I wanted to spend on her, but all the items in my intended price range have already been purchased.' Is it too uncouth to ask for a gift card if anyone inquires about our registery? How can I politely tell my aunt, 'thanks, but no thanks.' Maybe I can suggest having a family brunch at my cousin's house and while they're loading the basinette and crib into my car, I can ransack her bookcase and help myself to her baby and child care books claiming, "you don't need this anymore do you?"
Aww, poor little infertile, now pregnant girl. Finally expecting a baby and has family and friends who may try to give her things she needs. It's the ultimate in first world problems.
I've thrown a baby shower for someone with your same concerns. We asked that people give their favorite children's book to build a library and in lieu of games, people decorated different sized onesies with paints or markers. One friend did the same thing but with diapers. People won't always stick to your request, and they don't need to give big things, but there are probably a lot of people in your life that want to show you how excited they are for you.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a great idea! That could be a very fun shower activity, actually--decorating onesies. I love it!
DeleteI could have written this exact post myself a few months ago, and please allow me to tell you the lesson that I learned: Dude, you're just going to have to get over it. These showers are GOING to happen. I had THREE, and I wanted none of them. People (especially anyone who knew about your infertility issues) are crazy happy for you and this is how they want to show it. Trust me, if you don't let people throw you showers, you're going to get unsolicited gifts (many of which may not be what you actually want/need) which is even more awkward. I tried to make it clear that I wanted small get-togethers with just close friends or family (I gave short invitation lists, and ended up hearing that other people I had no idea would want to attend had actually ASKED if there was going to be a shower), and we ended up registering for a bunch of small stuff (washcloths, towels, crib sheets, etc) instead of anything big, which we bought ourselves. We mostly got cute baby clothes anyway, so much so I don't think this kid will need anything else until he's a year old. I hate to break it to you, but I think you're just going to have to suck it up and let some people throw parties for you. Terrible to be so popular, isn't it? ;)
ReplyDeleteYes! People love to celebrate. And as far as the office thing, that's probably going to happen. People want to break up the monotony, and planning for a baby shower is exciting.
DeleteI understand its not your thing. But people WANT to celebrate you and your hard-fought baby. Maybe you're focusing too much on the gift giving aspect of the event. Yoir pregnancy and the impending birth of your baby are deserving of huge celebration and those celebrations may include cake and some streamers...and likely gifts. People will not attend nor will they buy you anything if they don't want to. It doesn't mean you can't provide for your baby to graciously accept. And the registry....think of it as helping people out. If they want to give you a gift, it helps to know what you still need, what brand of bottles you prefer, ect. Otherwise you could end up with 13 Boppys and 11 sophie teethers that you can't return. And that's just wasteful! ;) hope you're able to work through your emotions on this subject and allow you and your baby to be celebrated!!!
ReplyDeleteI found your dissection of social rituals fascinating. Anyway, I didn't have a baby shower and I never give it a moments thought.. But then I was under no social pressure to do so,i.e. no one offered to lol. I think the mothers in law had mentioned at some point and I basically said: "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT RIGHT NOW." And truthfully I don't know if I could have, because while Ember was much anticipated as the 1st grandchild on all sides, and I was happy that her arrival was bringing so much joy, the darker side of that was I felt even more anxiety because if something went wrong with the pregnancy, I would be this HORRIBLE PERSON for destroying everyone's hopes and dreams. Even at family gatherings I struggled with the attention: I'd be OK for a while then I'd feel myself going slowly to pieces. Later I wondered if I was a baby shower grinch lol. But I can't say I lost any sleep over it. What ended up happening was that if people wanted to get us a gift they did so before or after the baby was born: whatever they wanted or could afford or wanted to make. And it was totally fine. We have the kind of family and friends who are totally comfortable saying "how can we help?" and "what do you want/need?" without drama. So I'd say, if you can't find some compromise on the baby shower, or some way to have one that is comfortable for you, the world WON'T END if you don't have one.
ReplyDeleteMy mother in law threw me a baby shower and it was the most awkward experience! We got a lot of things I never used at all ... I would have preferred if people just gave me gifts on their own accord.
ReplyDeletethat being said, it sounds like despite the fact that you're in a transitional friend zone, there are still some people who want to celebrate you and Jate. No harm could come from letting them throw you a little shower. You don't have to register anywhere, & just hope you get useful things!
My mother in law threw me a baby shower and it was the most awkward experience! We got a lot of things I never used at all ... I would have preferred if people just gave me gifts on their own accord.
ReplyDeletethat being said, it sounds like despite the fact that you're in a transitional friend zone, there are still some people who want to celebrate you and Jate. No harm could come from letting them throw you a little shower. You don't have to register anywhere, & just hope you get useful things!
Poor Jane, you're being so hard on yourself! The thing is, I identify with 100% of what you wrote there. I find registries extremely off-putting, and didn't make one for either kid (or our wedding) and then got complaints! We, too, spent money to conceive and then had an awkward office baby shower. We're a little more equal around our office as far as life situation, and there were approximately a million showers around the same time as mine (we went through a huge baby boom, and you can imagine how that felt to me before I was lucky enough to join in). Still, you're not wrong--the nurses and staff in your office will feel slightly compelled to get you a gift, and some of them may incorrectly assume that, as someone who makes more than they do, you wouldn't appreciate a smaller gift. Here's my solution for the office thing--ask Co-Worker to take some part in organizing it, and specifically ask her to talk it up as a small thing. She can make it sound like her idea to bring small gifts or hand-me-downs. Our office also started to get quite large, and we switched to inviting a smaller list of people, so perhaps you guys could swing that as well on the down-low.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the shower and the gifts in general, I hope you can really hear when I say that, yes, people do want to give you gifts. People have myriad reasons, but especially for weddings and babies, they get misty-eyed and soft-hearted. Or maybe that's just me, lol. Anyway, many people like an excuse to go back to the baby store (there are even infertiles who like it, as it makes them feel like it's good karma or they can live it vicariously for just a moment, or something. I had my moments of this). Those aren't the only reasons people want to be involved or give you a gift, either. I'd say, let your aunt throw it if she wants. Besides, I think there's something nicely humbling about an awkward baby shower. :.) Go, and be a gracious guest, and let yourself feel good about receiving good wishes and support. You can ask her, or ask your mom to pass it along, to maybe make it a more adult affair. You don't have to do the "taste the baby food" games that everybody's heard about. Have wine or cocktails. Eat good food. It doesn't have to be all pastel women sitting side-by-side on a couch, squealing at baby tiaras (thank you, Breaking Bad).
And on the registry front, here's how I compromised. I made one online to help me figure out what I needed and remember which brands I liked after I'd done my research. It's a good organizational tool. Then, if people press you about a registry or for ideas, you can tell them where you've registered. There are actually people who appreciate having a registry as a guide--people without kids who don't really know what might be nice (man, I'd love to take back a couple of shower gifts I've given pre-children) and close family and friends who want to splurge on you for bigger things like a play pen or swing (or groups of friends who want to go in together on something).
Uh, also... I totally have a swing that I don't know what to do with. It's kind of fancy and nice and I was going to give it to our cousin for her baby and then she bought one. Do... do you want it?
Showers aren't my scene either. I never considered having a bridal shower (I got married at 33, I have a toaster, thanks), and in lieu of a bachelorette party, I had a weekend getaway with my two best friends. I did, however, have a baby shower. I was undecided for a long time, and do NOT like to be the center of attention. But to me, it also felt like a celebration of baby, and I wanted to celebrate her. We didn't do games (we did the decorating onesies, and also had people make babies out of modeling clay & then judged them in different categories for prizes, which is kind of a game, but HILARIOUS). I think go with what you feel comfortable with. Maybe a brunch with no registry info, so if people want to get you something, they can ask or can just get whatever they want.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love this post because I felt exactly the same way. I should probably write a follow up post since I already had my shower and it wasn't horrible. The reason I wanted to have one was to see friends and family that I don't normally, and to celebrate this baby (it was a long time coming, dammit!). But the gift giving/opening made me uncomfortable. Our registry was really small (like 20ish items) because I just couldn't bring myself to scan everything I saw. I guess I'm just weird about gifts. My husband's side of the family actually exchanges Christmas lists every year - which I find just as strange.
ReplyDeleteI refused a baby shower from multiple friends and work. After our loss, it was enough for me to buy anything for the baby to prepare, plus I LOATHE opening presents in front of people and I feel similarly to you that we chose to have this baby and we ought to be able to provide for it.
ReplyDeleteI did make a list of things we needed and wanted for myself on Amazon and when people asked if we had a registry, I shared it with them. You will receive presents and it is so, so much easier to get things you need and want rather than 10 copies of the same book and one million swaddle blankets (in our experience, people love to give those Aden + Anais blankets and you can only use so many)! If I were you, I'd make a list so people can get you what you want/need. People will want to celebrate! You don't have to agree to a shower, but it could be a win-win.
I'll go against the grain and say I actually want a baby shower. I didn't do the whole wedding thing--we got married at the courthouse with family only and received very few gifts. I was fine with that. But for some reason, I've bought into the baby industrial complex. I'm having my shower in another city near where I went to college and I'm actually not that interested in gifts, but I really want to see my friends and extended family some of whom I haven't seen in years. My best friends and I are planning a girls spa day post shower, which I'm looking forward to as much or more than my shower.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a bridal shower or bachelorette party, either. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of a baby shower, but my aunt said she wasn't giving me a choice. You just sort of have to give into it. People want to celebrate this. Let them. Truth be told, expecting twins after all the fertility treatments - I was happy to have a little help buying all the baby crap. You can keep the shower small and keep the items you register for small, but I would recommend registering if there are specific things you want. It just makes it easier. The people who already have kids will usually get you whatever they thought was useful anyway. I actually registered for the big stuff only so I could get the "completion discount" the stores offer you to buy the un-purchased items once the baby is born. I thought maybe some family members could go in together and buy a carseat or something. I was VERY surprised when a friend bought us our very expensive stroller. We are still constantly thanking him for it.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to be excited (it was for me anyway), especially since you have complications to worry about. Let other people be excited for you, though.