There are so many ways infertility can drive you crazy. For me, the most recurring method seems to be finding various markers to measure our infertility journey. The first came last May. I turned 36, and the next day the first of our local friends gave birth to her baby, and I wasn't pregnant yet. We were also at the six months with no conception point. I went to LA and attended a wedding on what would have been the due date if we were a lucky couple who conceived on the first try; and I wasn't even pregnant. Little Myrtle was born and I still wasn't pregnant. We reached the one year anniversary since starting the pursuit for conception, and I was no longer pregnant. Little Myrtle is now six months old, and I'm still not pregnant. I'm not too fussed about being unpregnant the time of my birthday, but I'm dreading reaching the day that would have been my due date, while still having only one line on the stick. The Hawaii trip will also be a depressing milestone, but the disappointment of not being pregnant will be offset by the ability to consume alcohol; which is essential for dealing with my parents and in-laws.
Once again, I am diving in the water to help me cope. A few months ago, our team participated in a one hour postal swim: you swim non-stop for an hour to see how many laps you can do. While a bit tiring, the swim itself isn't too tough; the mental aspect is the most challenging. What thoughts fill your head during those sixty minutes? Not surprisingly, my mind kept drifting toward our infertility experience as I swam lap after lap. I couldn't see the swimmer in the lane next to me. I think I'm a faster swimmer than her, but I have no idea if I'm ahead or behind her in the number of laps counted. I've long lost track of how many laps I've done and I'm relying on my dry friend who is timing my splits. I have no sense of time. I can try to gauge, but I don't know how long I've been swimming, nor how many minutes I have to go. It's all about intuitively finding your interval pace -and just keep swimming.
It occurs to me that this is how I have to approach our pursuit for procreation. Blind to those around me who may have an easier path to parenthood. Ignorant to length of the journey and the milestone markers that come up along the way. Just lock into our pace...and keep swimming....
Well said. Sometimes it feels like there's no way through this but to put your head down and keep going.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, good ol' Dori. I have been doing this a lot recently too. I was thinking the other day that if I were fertile and got pregnant right when I started trying, I would be done having kids by now and my youngest would have turned one a few months ago. Good thing we all have perseverance....
ReplyDelete"Just keep swimming." For some reason that keeps popping up in my life lately. The way you describe it is perfect.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of swimming. I admire that you are a swimmer. It is hard work!! Swimming laps for an hour? No way!! I tried incorporating swimming into my workouts a few years ago. It only lasted about 2 months. I prefer to go for a run, which I also happen to not be very good at. Give me a ball and I'm happy. Softball, volleyball, basketball, tennis, football....
Very good post!
ReplyDeleteWell said. All we can do is keeping moving forward. There is no other choice.
ReplyDeleteI love it! As you have said before you have to just go on and live your life, plan as if nothing is planned and make adjustments along the way. Perfectly put "Just keep swimming". Marcia would be proud as well. Doesn't she periodically yell that phase, or maybe it was just me that she was yelling that at! kudos to swimming an hour! I though 15 minutes was such a task a year ago. You simply amaze me in all of your perseverance.
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