Thanks, Masturbation!

Yes, I actually have a shirt with those words. I'll explain the 'why' in just a second, but in the event that an IUI or IVF cycle actually produces a child, we thought we'd give it to our son or daughter when he or she is old enough to understand the, 'here's how babies are made...and this is how you were conceived...' conversation. So, the shirt is from a program I did to promote the Midwest Teen Sex Show. The MTSS was a series of podcasts hosted by a woman who had her first child as a teen and wanted to discuss the dangers of sex, drugs and rock and roll in a format that would connect with young people. The program debuted with a skit discussing Female Masturbation, where the host promoted self exploration as a method of sexual discovery that avoids the possibility of pregnancy and infections. She also describes that the release of endorphins creates a natural high, which makes masturbation the ultimate anti-drug. The scene cuts to an adult actress who is dressed as a young girl (complete with pigtails, cowboy hat and knee socks). She is skipping down the sidewalk, lollipop in hand when a junkie approaches her and offers an array of drugs. "No thanks," she politely declines "I'm going to go home and masturbate!" She then looks into the camera and offers a cheesy grin and a thumbs up, "Thanks, Masturbation!"

An episode of the brilliant BBC comedy Coupling featured a couple going through an infertility evaluation. An American version of the show was attempted, but failed as much of the humour didn't translate or was cut by NBC censors. Additionally, there isn't an American version of a Welsh character. The said Welshman [Jeff] was about to get it on with a woman way out of his league, when they were interrupted by his mobile phone.  "I have to go" he tells her "Steve needs me to go to his flat, pick up some porn, his pillow and a snack and meet him at this address". "Why?" she asks earnestly. "I don't know," he admits, "I didn't think to ask." It turns out Jeff's friend Steve is in the 'special room' at a fertility clinic, but is having trouble with the task at hand. Steve started to explain that he took issue with the porn selection (he prefers lesbian only) but then reveals there were other troubling aspects. "I had to book an appointment, and check in with a receptionist." he details, "There are not supposed to be appointments for masturbation. It's done in secret when there's an opportunity. There is no receptionist for masturbation". What he objected to most, was the notion that "I'm being asked to masturbate...for a good cause." Thus without the sense of wrongness and shame that was so familiar to him during the process, he couldn't rise to the occasion.

Seriously, what words of encouragement can you offer to your partner when he is headed off to the masturbatorium? (yes, that is an official term) 'Good luck'? 'Go get 'er done'! or 'Lie back and think of England'. I decided you can never go wrong with a StarWars reference: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!