You're not pregnant -are you?

I hate intervals. The goal of interval training days is to do multiple reps of 100 yards in the exact same times. I'm usually the leader during sprints or other speed drills, but I don't do well pacing for the lane. The pressure gets to me, as I know that if I can't achieve the interval split, my lane-mates suffer the consequences. I'll place myself last, which makes it hard for me to appreciate the pace. As one of the other objectives of intervals is to focus on technique, I'll select an aspect of my stroke that needs work, but I tend to over concentrate, which slows me down even more. Eventually, I'll have long lost track of my laps and I'll start thinking about work. At this point, I'm in danger of being lapped and on the verge of tears. Interval training days just shred any swimming confidence I have.

This particular interval training day was especially painful. I was struggling so badly at our lane's designated time, that I got moved to a slower lane, but I could barely manage there. I was so relieved when the workout was finally over and I got out of the pool feeling rather crushed. "Are you okay Jane?" my coached asked "You just don't seem like yourself." Before I could thank her for her concern and give an answer, she asked, "You're not pregnant, are you?"

I quickly shook my head. Although it happened over a week ago, I decided to reference the death of our friend Pierre, to try to cover what she already knows -I really suck at intervals.

As I walked out to my car, I took a moment to reflect on what just transpired. I was already in an especially fragile state and could have easily been reduced to a puddle of tears, but I calmly dismissed a reference to being pregnant. At that point in time, I categorically couldn't rule it out. I ovulated. We had coitus. Maybe the two events coincided. We all know there are couples who conceive in between treatment cycles, why couldn't we be one of them? I've had patients who commented that someone else suspected her pregnancy before she did, why couldn't this be one of those situations? Maybe I am just a little more hopeful that I allow myself to believe I am...

This bubble was quickly burst when I arrived home and found that AF was waiting for me. Two weeks ago, Husband was still on the east coast. We didn't have a chance. At least I could feel better about my monitor being inaccurate, since it didn't matter after all.  Yet, I still felt a little bitter. Another month declared null and void as we never had the opportunity to try. It just feels so far out of reach at these times.

I noticed there were only two tampons left in the box. Crap. I would have to run to the store later. I recalled at the end of my last cycle that I made a mental note that I would need to pick up another box. I remember walking past the feminine hygiene aisle and reminding myself that I would be needing more tampons, especially as we weren't IUI-ing this month. Maybe this was my way of exerting subtle optimism?

I have also been reluctant to buy a bulk supply of sanitary products. When I first had my IUD removed, and was preparing to have AF return after a ten year absence, I bought a large multi-pack. Foolishly, I thought my purchase was overkill. After all, I would be pregnant rather soon, but as tampons don't expire, the boxes could happily gather dust until I needed them again. Well, the pregnancy aspect didn't transpire, but it turns out that I didn't need the value sized box. My flow is so scant that I only need 4-5 light tampons per cycle. I gave my boxes of 'medium' and 'super' absorbency tampons to Co-worker and she went thought both of them before I finished my box of lights.

I arrived at Target and found they were running a promotion on tampons. Purchase four boxes and receive a $5 gift card. Seriously, who at the Target headquarters selects the products for these incentives?  A few months ago, it was prenatal vitamins. Menstrual supplies are the other end of the spectrum of the bain for infertiles. However, tampons seem to be more honest, as opposed to feeling like a fraud for picking up prenatal vitamins. Where the cartoon pregnant woman on the bottle of vitamins is mocking, the woman pictured riding a horse along the beach on the box of tampons is comforting; 'you're one of us...' she welcomes. Most importantly, no one questions you for your purchase. You could be happily child-free by choice or a mother of three. The clerk isn't going to congratulate you for menstruating.

I bought the four boxes, so I could receive my $5 gift card and I plan to use my reward toward something fun. It seemed appropriate to issue another challenge. We'll see if I can become pregnant before finishing this supply of tampons, but I also think I could have stocked myself until menopause...