Saturday, 16 November 2013

Somebody to Shove

And I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Yes I'm waiting by the phone
I'm waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me

I never understood those lyrics until now...

Among all the things I resent about infertility, I hate the way it keeps me waiting by the phone. I feel like a desperate single woman who is hoping that the guy she met at the bar last night is going to call. In particular, this feeling is a little raw for me as I was that woman while I was dating my RE's doppelgÀnger. Every time I walk past my phone, I have to press the button to see if I missed a call. I check the signal strength to make sure I'm in an area with good service. I'll make sure the ringer is not on silent. I'm hyper vigilant to any noise that sounds like my ring tone.

To my RE's credit, he has been very prompt with disseminating critical or time sensitive information. After our transfer, he stated that the embryologist would wait until day 6 to determine if any of the remaining embies are freezer-worthy, and I would hear from him on Friday or Saturday. I didn't. receive a call on Friday. I figured maybe the embryologist was holding out a little longer. I appreciated there was less urgency with this update as it wasn't affecting our current management. However, we were still curious. While we were eating dinner that night, Husband noted that he'd be pissed if we didn't hear anything on Saturday. We've technically paid for these embryos and they are our investment. In particular, our fees covered having ten embryos in cryostorage. Ever since it was projected that I would only produce 6-8 mature eggs, Husband has been anticipating getting a refund. An evil thought came to my mind. Last Sunday, when my RE called with my initial fertilisation report, he used his personal mobile phone (which also still has an east coast area code). I still had that number in my phone..."No, you're better than that." Husband admonished.

I decided I could enjoy a leisurely Saturday morning as I waited by the phone. I poured a cup of tea and fixed a few pieces of toast. I settled in at our breakfast bar and caught up with my blog reading. I wanted to make some fresh squeezed orange juice, so I placed my phone on the counter, just in case I missed hearing it over the noise from the juicer. It was now 10:00. One of my mentors taught me not to return calls in between scheduled patients. "Don't keep someone with an appointment waiting." Unless there is something really pressing, I try to hold to that, although I use our email system a lot as I find it easier and quicker to reply to patient messages in between visits. I figured he would want to get patients in and out of the office and let the staff members go home. I decided I would take a shower, figuring that would prompt the phone to ring. It didn't.

Then I remembered I could be a Rules girl. I didn't have to wait at home on a Saturday night for a guy to call, I could call the embryology lab myself. Except as I suspected, they wouldn't give an update directly to me. I proceeded with my chores, thinking that vacuuming might tempt a call. At last! I finally heard a ring from my phone. I ran to pick it up, only to discover that it was my formerly infertile until she went to Hawaii and relaxed cousin requesting to Face Time. My cousin was on the east coast visiting her husband's extended family and they were spending a few days in Connecticut with my parents. Firstly, I hate Face Time. I find it incredibly awkward. Secondly, if it wasn't hard enough seeing photos of my parents with her kids on Facebook, now I could watch it live?  While I was waiting for an embryo report? (not that she remembers those days) Potentially tying up the phone line? (I'm not sure if it does, but I didn't want to take any chances) No fucking thank you. Face Time request: de-nied.

Damn it! I just wanted to know if we had any fro-yos! As I returned to my cleaning, I began to acknowledge that we probably didn't have any. If there were any surviving embryos, they would have called us with the report. I could only imagine hearing Misery or New Girl explain that they didn't want to stress me with any bad news. Then, randomly, the lines from that Soul Asylum song came to mind. Not only did those lyrics suddenly make sense for the first time, but I felt that they were directly speaking to me. I was waiting by the phone. I wanted somebody to shove. I needed somebody to shove me. It was now 11:30 and time to shove.

I quickly rationalised that although it was going to be inappropriate to call my RE on his personal phone, it should at least be done by noon. I picked up my phone and scrolled through my received calls. I found his number and nervously pressed send. It rang a few times before the iPhone default voicemail answered. As I was leaving a message, my phone beeped to alert an incoming call. He must have just missed my call. "Hi Jane, it's__________" he greeted while addressing himself with his first and last name. He's referred to himself by his first name a few times before, I think as an attempt to be collegial, but I've never been able to call him by his proper name as he shares the same name as Husband. "I'm sorry to call you on this number," I began. "No, that's fine." was his calm, unflappable response. "Two made it to become blastocysts and they both look good" he announced. I don't remember much of what he said after that as the cellular reception at our house is shit and I was trying to get Husband's attention to show him that I was holding up two fingers. I zoned back into the conversation to hear him say that he was optimistic. "Okay, thank you very much!" I replied. "Enjoy the rest of your weekend Jane." "Same to you." ...and press 'end'.

I was so happy with this information, I could easily overlook the unorthodox means I used to acquire it. I decided to attribute it is as one of my RE's absent minded professor moments. Although he's brilliant, I've noted he can be a bit scatter-brained. His staff seem to play close attention to his instructions as he tends to confuse dates and he made an error in his own notes with my progesterone in oil dose. Anyway....we have two embabies on ice! This cycle is granting us three attempts for a pregnancy and possible baby. Husband quickly did the maths and noted that two FETs would be less than half the cost of another fresh cycle. Almost a third of the cost if you include the price of meds, not that anyone was counting; but oh yes, he was.

Husband observed that we seemed to have been on the borderline for so many aspects of this cycle. If we didn't have any that progressed to blastocysts, or only had one; it would have resonated that I made the right decision with my day 3 transfer of two embies. If I had three or more that made it to the blast stage, I would have wished that I held out for a day 5 single transfer. We have two; still oscillating in the in-between territory.  It helps prepare for my upcoming HCG test. If it's negative, we have embryo insurance. Two reserves; to be transferred one at a time.

You're a dream for insomniacs, prize in the Cracker Jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away

12 comments:

  1. Yay, that is awesome news about your two "fro-yos" (love that term, haha). I know what you mean about the sitting by the phone business. I also have bad memories of a long-ago unhealthy relationship that involved lots of phone pining, and I have often resented infertility for making me to go back to that unpleasant emotional place. Let's hope your days of sitting by the phone are numbered with a single digit. Keeping my fingers crossed for your beta report.

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  2. UGGGG! Those phone call waiting moments are the WORST. I hated that about all of my cycles. The worst was waiting for BETA #2 on our second IVF cycle. The doctor didn't call until 6:30pm. I was in pure torture!

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  3. CONGRATS to you guys! 2 ice babies...that's such great news!!! I'll still keep my fingers crossed that you won't even need them because this cycle works!

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  4. So happy you guys have two on reserve!

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  5. That's great news about your frozen embryos! And yeah, waiting for those phone calls has got to be the absolute WORST.

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  6. So happy for you that you have two frosties!!

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  7. Yay for GOOD news!!! So happy to hear that. I like the term embryo insurance :) Hopefully you won't have to use it. When is your beta?

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  8. Woo hoo for froyo's! It's no reassuring to know there is a Plan B just in case, but I do hope you don't even need them until much further down the road!

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  9. Yay for two! So happy for you. :)

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  10. That's fantastic news! Hopefully you can finally exhale. The waiting (for just about everything!) is one of the hardest parts about the process.

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  11. Yay! Congrats on the good-looking embies in the bank. :)

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