Carpe Diem

This time around, Husband and I decided we would approach the pregnancy very cautiously. We cannot get ahead of ourselves. Just focus on one task at a time. The next beta result, the first ultrasound and the ones that follow. The genetic testing and the anatomy ultrasound. If we pass all those markers, then we can accept that we're not merely pregnant, but actually having a baby. Thus, I refuse to calculate my due date. We won't allow any discussion about how and when we'd disclose the news. I've not purchased a single pregnancy or baby related item. While I was shopping for greeting cards, I retreated as soon as I walked near the New Baby section.  So far, in the first ten days since we received the news, we've managed to hold to this commitment. Husband's one slip was asking about my short term disability offerings at work and how I would arrange my maternity leave. I placed my hands over my ears and started singing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" Finally, I discovered an event that I could get excited about, without getting ahead of myself. I needed to refill my progesterone in oil.

Like any savvy infertile consumer, I wanted to do some price comparisons, so I didn't order the PIO with my initial shipment of stimming meds. Of course, I also thought we'd be doing a FET in the new year and I could apply the cost of the PIO to my 2014 FSA expenses. After my retrieval, my RE instructed me to start my luteal phase support in the event that we would need to do a fresh transfer. This meant that I would have to purchase locally as Freedom Fertility wouldn't be able to ship in time. I went to a compounding pharmacy that I use for some of my patients and they also prepare our kitty Prozac. I had a print-out from Freedom and I asked the pharmacist if he could beat their price. "Oh definitely" he replied and then added, "We'll also apply our employee discount for you." Oh yeah, I've got connections.  

When I picked up the prescription, the pharmacist asked, "Is this what I think it's for?" I nodded. He then revealed that he and his wife were infertile. Their first two IVF cycles were unsuccessful. They transferred any embryos they had on day 3 and never had any that made it to the freezer. After their second BFN, the switched clinics and did a new stimming protocol which yielded 5 blastocysts. A fresh single embryo transfer resulted in their now two year old son. He noted that they were preparing to do another transfer soon. I was immediately comforted to have found a kindred spirit. It meant a lot to know that not only was I supporting a local business, but I was being supported by a pharmacist who prepared my PIO knowing exactly what is involved with receiving this prescription.

The pharmacist spotted me while I was waiting at the counter for my refill and approached me. I quickly filled him on the details including the day 3 transfer of two embryos and my most recent beta results, while pointing out that we were feeling extremely cautious. "When is your transfer?" I asked. "Oh, we already did it. It didn't work." he revealed. Oh, fuck.  I had now become that person who showers her good news in front of someone nursing a BFN. They must have done their transfer just days after ours. I was so self consumed at our first discussion that I didn't ask any details and simply presumed it was going to be in a month or so. I quickly expressed that I was sorry to hear about their disappointing news and inquired about the next steps. They'll take December off and transfer two fro-yos in January. I etched that in my mind, should I find myself back in the pharmacy at that time. Alas, it was another reminder that for an infertile, not even something as innocuous as disclosing your pregnancy is as smooth as you envisioned.

Co-worker came back to work recently, and as we were chatting, I asked how her SIL is doing. "Miserable" she replied thought somewhat gritted teeth. "She [the SIL] says that these two assholes are making her miserable." O-oh. "She wrote that on Facebook." Co-worker added. Ew. I was now cringing a little. I could tell that such comments really angered Co-worker, but as I've previously mentioned, her SIL is not a normal person. She's truly a piece of work -and we're not talking art.

Actually, I pitied her. Although I've been lamenting a bit how it sucks that infertiles have to feel so cautious and guarded even after finally becoming pregnant, perhaps we have a deeper appreciation. Co-worker's SIL never had to wait more than two months to see two lines on a stick, could she understand the elation that follows when you've waited more than two years? It was easy for her to take her pregnancy for granted as she's never had the promise of a baby snatched from her uterus. I may not yet be excited or be able to think about the future, but it affords me more opportunity to treasure the present. Each day I'm thankful to be pregnant. Although, it's been tough enduring this two week wait leading to our ultrasound, at times it wish it were longer. I know that each task or each test could bring us closer to the end. I want to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as I can. Carpe Diem.