I've described in some of my previous posts why I haven't shared any of our infertility and pregnancy struggles with my parents. After this recent miscarriage, I paused to reconsider that decision. Although it felt a bit more like an obligation, rather than needing to share with my parents to gain emotional support. Perhaps it's my only child up bringing that established independence from my parents at an early age. I was never the child clinging to her mother's leg on the first day of school. When my mother was considering going back to work, I encouraged her to go and let me be a member of the latchkey kid club. The only 'I want my Mommy!' moment that I can remember, occurred when I was sick (and misdiagnosed by the student health centre) during my third year of University. I called the restaurant where my mother was attending a holiday party (this was in the day before everyone had a mobile phone) to tell her I was ill. "Jane, what do you want me to do? (she was obviously past her second glass of wine) I'm five hours away. You'll have to take care of yourself." While her words may sound harsh, it was the advice I needed to hear. The next day I drove myself to an urgent care clinic and was diagnosed with pneumonia.
I know that in this situation my mother can't kiss me on the head and promise to make everything better. I know much more about procreation, assisted reproduction and pregnancy than she does. I feel that I would probably be the one providing moral support to her. I also fear that if I share the details of our infertility with my parents, my mother will likely discuss with her sister and Myrtle's mother. As I've outlined how clueless Myrtle is, keep in mind that the apple doesn't fall from the tree. In addition to wanting to surprise my parents with the joyous news of a successful pregnancy, I want to disclose to our extended family on my terms and properly educate them about infertility and assisted reproduction. I don't need Myrtle's mother telling mine that I just need to stand on my head like she did while trying to conceive Myrtle's brother; or to have my aunt offer that we'll likely get pregnant once we stop trying all this test tube experimentation.
I refused to do this during the ten minutes of my pregnancy, but I plugged my dates into the gestational wheel of fortune. I would have been 13 weeks at the end of January when Husband has his trip back east. Provided that things had progressed and my genetic testing was normal, I could have flown out with him to announce the pregnancy to my parents. Husband suggested informing them about our situation over the phone while he is visiting, but I think this type of news has to be delivered by me in person. However, as we'll (hopefully) be doing our FET in January/February, I can't leave during that time. I also looked ahead to the first week in April. My dad and I are taking a father/daughter trip to the University of Connecticut National Championship Invitational (I mean, the NCAA Women's Final Four). I envisioned that it would be a little awkward to be sharing a hotel room with my dad while five months pregnant, but I could have learned to get over it.
Speaking of things that are awkward, Husband and I both agreed that we probably should bring them in the loop if we get to the point of doing a second fresh IVF cycle. Then Husband said something to the effect of, "I'm sure they would offer to help us financially". He then started thinking out loud, "If they could help with the cost of meds, that would be great." He also added, "I'm sure they would, as my parents gave us $1,500."
AGGGUUHHHH! Now this discussion is starting to get very uncomfortable. When we purchased our house, we had to borrow some money from my parents to make our 15% downpayment. It was really humbling as I earn more than both of my parents, but I had to accept that without their assistance we would be continuing to throw money away while renting. We paid off the debt in less than two years, but I felt like I was under scrutiny during that time. Could I really ask them to help fund their grandchild? Furthermore, I don't want to create a tit-for-tat between the potential grandparents. Although I could make the case that Husband's parents didn't specifically give us $1,500 for IVF expenses; it was their leftover vacation money, as they didn't go anywhere or do anything while they were here. I'm sure it just made more sense than losing value again on the currency exchange. I recall how my mother insisted that I adopt her method for cutting up an avocado for guacamole. I can only imagine her potential to be controlling if she's invested in my baby... Sigh. I'm remembering a time when the only possible awkward procreation related interaction with your parents was if they walked in on you while you were having sex...
Neither a lender or borrower be .... William Shakespeare.