Sunday 6 July 2014

Don't Count Your Chickens...

Even if you have an answer to the inevitable inquiry, 'so when are you going to have kids?', you still have to be prepared for the follow up questions. So how exactly do you spend your time and money? My parents enjoy asking when we plan to take a vacation, or what will be our next renovation project. Fortunately, I've become just as skilled at evading these questions as well. It's hard to plan a holiday due to Husband's busy umpiring schedule. We can't decide just what exactly we want to do to improve the gardens, so we're just maintaining what we have now.

Actually, that's a lie. A stronger than usual wave of depression swept over me as I looked out at the pitiful state of our back garden. We have a great space with so much potential, but it's fallen to the wayside of neglect. When we began trying to conceive, we started working on some simple projects, but we soon discovered that both procreation and renovation would be expensive investments. I thought back to our spontaneous conception. Husband viewed it as if we had won the lottery. Not only for the miracle of life, but he saw the savings offset by avoiding infertility treatments. The sad condition of our garden has become a tangible example of our road not taken. Oh, what we could have done if I were holding a baby right now and the bank accounts didn't take such a hit... In my despondent state, evil thoughts creep into my otherwise somewhat rational mind. Jane, you knew that you may have had a septum present. Maybe you shouldn't have gone swimming that morning...

It is especially frustrating when your partner who knows first hand why we haven't booked a holiday or decided our next DIY project, asks the same questions. Earlier in the week, he asked about when we should take our time share in Hawaii next year. I  suggested that we postpone that discussion for few more months, until we know when or if anything major will be occurring next year. "That's why I was thinking December. It works with my hockey schedule." he replied. Um, no. While I appreciate that we can't make any tentative plans, waiting a year and a half before we take a proper holiday does not sound appealing. Okay, maybe a small part of me would like to do the baby moon thing. Tonight, Husband announced that he reckons we can remodel our master bathroom for $25,000.

He carried on talking, but I tuned him out as I focused on chopping up vegetables. If Husband had his way, he would have leveled our entire house and rebuilt it entirely. He often over estimates what we actually need to have done and he fixates on unnecessary items. During the planning of our kitchen renovation, he wanted a top of the line sub-zero refrigerator; which I agreed he could have if he would cook us gourmet meals every night. He insisted on a double oven, and for the record we've only used both ovens at the same time once. However, I do concede that it helps our re-sale value. My father and I had to talk him out of installing new cabinets as ours were in excellent shape and I'm a skilled painter. If I had relented, we probably wouldn't have been able to pursue IVF when we did as we would have been climbing out of a $20,000 debt on superfluous cabinets.

I started chopping louder and quicker in a passive aggressive attempt to express my annoyance. What was really irritating me was the fact that he's banking on our first transfer being successful. As he talks about 'paying off IVF', it strikes me that he's not anticipating any additional costs. Have you learned anything from me? I thought back to my second pregnancy. I had given him strict instructions not to be optimistic, and for the most part he was compliant. Yet one night while he was in LA at a hockey tournament and perhaps after too much sun and/or beer, he started talking about attending the event next year and leaving me at home with a four month old baby. I went slightly ballistic, which prompted him to end the phone call abruptly. I wanted to cry. Pregnancy and the anticipation of a baby should be a happy occasion for a couple. I was denying him that aspect. However, after the inevitable miscarriage, Husband understood why I snapped at him that night.

It was time to ground him once again. I pointed out that there is a 25% chance that an euploid blast won't implant and we could be receiving yet another BFN. Even if it does implant, a miscarriage can still occur. If we make it through the first trimester and an anatomy scan does not reveal any significant structural defects; then maybe, just maybe, we can exhale a sigh of relief and start accepting that we might actually be having a baby. "Well we're ahead of most regular couples as we know we have a normal embryos." he contended. I shook my head. "We've merely eliminated one possibility. The everyday woman is not thinking about how many different ways she can experience a miscarriage." We may have identified a pathway, but we're still a long way from being out of the forest.

A few days earlier my medical assistant emerged from the exam room with a report on my next patient. "She's 22 years old and she should be about 12 weeks. She's French and is moving back to France tomorrow. I'm not quite sure why she's here since she's going to be receiving all her care in France..." She was here today for one reason only. The little black and white ultrasound photo to show to parents their future grand baby. Especially if her parents weren't too thrilled about the pregnancy,  an adorable ultrasound photo might soften the blow.

I recognised the patient as I had seen her for a routine visit last year. She was attending a local University and couldn't decided if she wanted to stay in the States or move back to France after her graduation. I started by asking when she confirmed her pregnancy. It was just days after her missed period. She decided to stop taking her birth control pills as her prescription expired and she was curious to see what would happen. She received her BFP just days before she was due to register for classes in the Autumn term, so she withdrew herself from the University and ended the yearly  lease on her flat. She had shipped most of her stuff and would be going home to finish packing after the visit. She expressed how she wanted to be close to her family during the pregnancy and early infancy, as well as guarantee French citizenship for her baby. Her fiancĂ© had started the process to gain a Visa, which hopefully would be granted by the time the baby is born.

Her uterus felt smaller than expected on her exam. Fuck. Maybe she just wasn't as far along, which is very common for women who are just coming off birth control pills. Although, if that were the case, she wouldn't have had such an early BFP. The Crown-Rump length measured 7 weeks and 2 days without any evidence of cardiac activity. Fuck. She burst into tears when I described what this meant. Instead of a photo for her parents, she would be going back to France with my office notes so her doctor in France could manage her early pregnancy failure.

"O-M-G! I can't believe she would make so many plans without having an ultrasound first!" exclaimed one medical assistant after I asked her to print up my notes and place them in a sealed envelope. "I know, seriously!" echoed another who was standing near her. Both of them were in their early twenties when they had their firstborn, and I doubt either waited for an ultrasound before announcing the pregnancy or purchasing some baby items. She is a young girl who should have been able to make such long range plans as soon as she saw two lines on the stick. She shouldn't have to think the way I do. No one should.

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for the French girl. You're right, nobody should have to wait for an ultrasound, NT scan, anatomy scan, viability, you name it... it's cruel. Balancing your own emotions around this is hard enough, adding the husband's doesn't make it easier. Mine is very guarded in this pregnancy, as he was so destroyed after the loss of our twins. I do hope you will get your December babymoon!

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  2. Ugh, poor girl. This is exactly why I was so very cautious about getting a BFP, and to this day am still on guard and aware that things don't always work out. I guess going through infertility prepares us for that, in an unfortunate way.

    Oh and I can relate to the feeling of "if only I had a child in my arms the easy way, we could be doing X or traveling to Y." Life is unfair. But I'm hoping you'll be on your way to that baby in your arms soon, and even planning a babymoon!

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  3. That poor girl. I want nothing more than to hug her. You're right, no one should have to be so cautious, but once anyone goes through that devastating u/s it's impossible not to be.

    December baby moon sounds amazing. Make it happen. xoxo

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  4. Poor girl. A pregnant women should be able to fully enjoy everything about it, yet can't because we know all too well what might happen.

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  5. Oh, the poor girl. :-( How much nicer to not have to endure the fear, and worse, knowing the fear may be justified. Your thoughts reminded me of my mother reminiscing about her pregnancies before U/S technology and how little she worried about them. "I guess ignorance is bliss!" she said. All I could think is that I hope there is a kind of bliss that is not dependent on ignorance, because I'll never have the ignorant kind :-)

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  6. I shudder when people announce pregnancies right after a positive pee stick, but it always seems to end up working out. Some people are just blissfully unaware. If I ever wind up pregnant again I know I won't be able to be that way, but I wish I could.

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  7. Uh poor thing! None of this should be so difficult. I hope your finances free up soon with baby in arms so that you can take all the vacays you want. ;)

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  8. Oh, I feel so bad for that girl. Although I envy her her naivete. I mean, can we ever relax in this whole nightmarish process? I'm not entirely sure I'll ever not be worried about the next hurdle.

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  9. Oh man, I hear you on the financials... when everything is up in the air, I don't want to take ANY vacations or do ANY renovating or even eat out at restaurants. And then when our lives get boring because of this, I just sink into feeling sorry for myself and stay there. So hard to know what the answer is when there's just so much waiting and uncertainty involved. Hopefully in the near future things will be a bit clearer and you can start planning again, like normal people. :)

    Sad about the French girl... must not be easy to confront all this as part of your day job, too. Yeesh.

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  10. One of the greatest frustrations of infertility is feeling like everything is "on hold." We aren't moving to a bigger place because we know we can afford this place if I end up on bed rest or we cannot afford daycare. I am ready for a career change after earning my MA, but I don't want to leave a job where my schedule is so flexible and my co-workers have been so supportive. Those are the 2 big things "on hold" indefinitely, but there are little things too. I just want to move on! I used to feel cheated out of a normal pregnancy experience, but I've accepted it and let it go. There are so many challenges well beyond conception! That's what fertiles don't understand when they say, "Just get IVF." Adam is far more optimistic than me. I allow him his optimism, hoping it'll rub off on me.

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  11. My neighbor is pregnant. Before I could get out a congratulations (and I will admit, joy for her was not the first emotion I felt. Pregnancy announcements still sting.), she told me she was 7 weeks and would have her first OB appointment the following week. All she had at that point was a positive pee stick. I wanted to shout "Why the F are you announcing this already?" Then she told me she wanted minimal ultrasounds and wanted to wait until the 2nd trimester for the first one. I don't even understand that. I wanted one at every visit and couldn't get that first one fast enough. Oh, to be blissfully unaware. What's weird is she is generally a fairly anxious type person, so this calm around her pregnancy confuses me.

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  12. I don't know which is worse: to be blissfully unaware like that girl before getting the shock of her life during the first U/S, or to be painfully aware of whatever could go wrong every day, every minute after getting that positive Beta. I've only experienced the second one, and although it is torturous, somehow it (knowing how common m/cs are) has also helped me deal with the loss easier. But yes you are right, no one should have to think of what could go wrong.

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  13. Oh that poor girl. To have made all those plans, being blissfully unaware of what could happen and did, unfortunately.

    My husband sounds a lot like yours. He gets an idea in his head and there is nothing you can say to change his mind. Sigh...

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