The Invisible Fence

Recently, I ran into one of my patients at Starbucks. I recognised her right away, but I couldn't think of her name. She had a spontaneous conception at the age of 41, who was now the adorable 18 month old boy on her hip. "I'm going to be seeing you soon!" she announced. "I'm pregnant!" She went on to explain that she had recently messaged my colleague about trying for a pregnancy at the age of 43, and lo and behold, she was peeing on a stick a month later. I know cases like this are more of the exception rather than the norm, but why does it seem that I see so many of them? I decided I could be jealous of her ability to get pregnant so quickly, but I also know the risks of miscarriage that are present for her, so I can't be too envious. As I walked back to my car, I had to remind myself, you're pregnant too!  I made a conscious effort not to acknowledge my pregnancy in the early weeks when I was still going through scans with my RE, but even at sixteen weeks, it still is so easy to forget.

Actually, I should clarify that thoughts about my pregnancy only escape my mind during my working day. When I get home each night, Husband's first question is to inquire how Jate and I are doing. Both my parents send me a text message every Thursday, as I reach a new week, and I've been sharing my weekly bumpdate photos with them. The bump has become more apparent at the gym, and more people are taking notice. Myrtle recently described how when she announced her pregnancy and her bump became more prominent, it seemed to invite her co-workers to over share about their experience. She learned about everyone else's hemorrhoids, incontinence episodes, varicose veins, swollen ankles and delivery horror stories. I realised at that moment that I'm especially not ready for my patients to learn of my pregnancy as I don't want it to take any focus away from their visit.

So far, I've still managed to conceal myself at work. It's a great advantage to having a closet full of little black dresses, and best of all, no one really notices that you're repeating the same outfits each week. My clothes still fit, but some reveal the bump more than others. I wish someone would create a line of transitional clothing. 'Transitional Pregnancy Clothes: When you're not big enough for maternity clothes, but you don't want to stretch and ruin your regular clothes...' Sometimes, it's not as easy as just selecting a larger size. I'm reluctant to purchase maternity clothes for a few reasons. Firstly, anticipating that this will be my only pregnancy, I don't want to spend much money on things I will only wear for a few months, possibly less if I need to be delivered pre-term. Secondly, although I'm sure they're super comfortable, jeans with the large expandable panel have to be the unsexiest item ever. I am very grateful for a local blogger who offered some exercise clothes to me.

Nonetheless, I decided to do some research and started looking through a local parenting website to check out recommendations on where to shop. Husband was watching some strange movie on the Sy-Fy channel and I was bored. I typed my search into the google and clicked on the first interesting link. Then Safari suddenly crashed. I felt as if I had been zapped by an invisible fence. Icarus had flown too close to the sun. What are you doing Jane? You haven't even had your anatomy scan yet! You can look at this yet. 

I know it was merely a coincidence. It seems that whenever I install the updates on my iPad, programmes crash more frequently. Yet, I felt it was a reminder that I can't get ahead of myself. I decided to start searching something safer and began looking into garage storage units. "What do you think of this one?" I asked Husband, who could barely turn away from some alien attack. "We don't need to think about the storage unit until the dry wall is done." he replied. Apparently, there is also an order to planning for the garage as well. "This unit is 30% off now." I informed him. "The savings is over four hundred dollars. That's a pram or a car seat."

I smiled to myself. When I first met Husband, he compared the price of anything to how many pints of beer he could by for the same amount of money. When we first renovated our house, we calculated fees according to building materials. Most recently, we measured costs in terms of fertility medications and treatment procedures. This was the first time I was acknowledging a monetary value as it related to items for our baby. My actions may need to be contained within the invisible fence, but my imagination is free to wander.