Breastfeeding Support Starts at Home

A few months after I was hired by the Ob/Gyn department of a local hospital, I received a letter indicating that I had been assigned to work on a committee. Apparently, it was a requirement to maintain my privileges that was buried in the fine print of the application. My assigned committee was focusing on how to support breastfeeding on the postpartum ward. I resented being on this committee as I would have rather been in the clinic seeing patients and I didn't understand why there was such a great need to be "breastfeeding friendly." I found that the proposed breastfeeding initiatives (remove formula samples from the take home bags, only offer formula to the mother and baby if recommended by the pediatrician), seemed to stigmatize the woman who couldn't breastfeed, or one who was struggling. "What about breast cancer survivors? Women who are HIV positive?" I really enjoyed raising the counter point as I couldn't stand the nurse who led this committee. I also noted that conversations among the committee members seemed to be more directed on how we could advertise how our hospital was more supportive of breastfeeding than hospitals in the area. There seemed to be little discussion on how we could benefit an actual postpartum mother.

I found that the nurses on the postpartum ward during my stay were very helpful to get breastfeeding started, without being too in your face about it. They observed Kate's latch, gave me some position tips and when she didn't seem to be getting enough calories, they recommended using the supplemental nursing system to administer formula and they suggested trying to pump my colostrum. They sent us home with some samples of formula, which was most appreciated as we just needed it a few times and were able to avoid buying a whole can. It was just what we needed to get started, but I feel what most strongly influences breastfeeding success is the support received at home.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had heard about the father's role for supporting breastfeeding and I probably rolled my eyes. In particular, I recall having one patient who at night months was really ready to be done with breastfeeding, but her husband was adamant that he wanted her to breastfeed for a year. The tone of his voice was chilling. I had to ask the patient for a fake urine specimen so I could get her out of the room discretely and ask questions about possible intimate partner abuse. It just felt that if he could be so coercive about breastfeeding, he may be controlling her in other ways. I don't know if it was something he read in his Manual for New Dad's book, as Husband would regularly ask me, "Do you need anything? Can I bring you anything?" while I was nursing. At first I resented it a bit, I felt like an invalid; that I couldn't take care of myself. Then I realised that if I didn't respond, he'd probably stop asking. So I learned that it was okay to ask for a glass of water, or a cup of tea. Mostly I came to appreciate that while checking in on my needs, he was participating in the nursing process.

Until I became proficient at getting Kate to latch and watching her cues, I really didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone else. I still won't say that I'm entirely comfortable breastfeeding in front of my father, but we've both moved on. I didn't feel comfortable at all breastfeeding in front of my in-laws, but I didn't want to have to leave the room every time she needed to feed. I would sit in the corner of the room and use my modesty cover. "Would you like a (burp) cloth?" my mother in law would ask about every five minutes. "No, thank you" was my answer every time, but that really translated to 'No, just please leave me the fuck alone!' Sometimes recognising when she needs privacy is also an important component of support.

Interestingly, while I won't go as far as to say that she was unsupportive, the one person who gave me a hard time about my breastfeeding, was my mother. It started when she first criticised how often I was feeding, and suggested that I should be taking Kate for a walk or rocking her when she cries, rather than nursing. While we were driving from Connecticut to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, I needed to hand pump during a rest stop just for relief (there was no way I could feed Kate milk that was pumped in a rest station bathroom, but I made Husband pour the milk out, as I couldn't bear to do so). When I walked out of the bathroom stall, my mother was waiting with her arms folded across her chest. "Can we go now?" she demanded in a huff. Clearly, my need to pump for the purpose of comfort was an inconvenience to her.

We went stopping with Kate while my mother was visiting us for Christmas and I suggested stopping at Star.bucks for a coffee and so I could nurse Kate. "Oh, do they have a room?" my mother asked. I laughed to myself. Surely she didn't think that California was so liberal that each Starbucks was equipped with a breastfeeding room. Later that day, we met up with my Dad and Husband for lunch. While we were waiting to be seated, I announced that I was going to change Kate and I grabbed the diaper bag and headed to the rest room. When I returned, my mother asked "Did you feed her?" I couldn't believe that she would think it would be acceptable to feed my daughter in the bathroom, but more so ...how? She had been in the bathroom of that restaurant before. It's two tiny stalls and a sink. I used the modesty cover while I fed Kate at the table. I sort of had the volition to flash my mother just to try to piss her off. Yet her most aggravating action came while we were visiting my friend Amy and her husband Sheldon. Amy had a baby two weeks after Kate and we were both comfortable feeding in front of each other and our families. I started to nurse Kate while Sheldon was on the other side of their large open concept living and dining room. My mother grabbed a muslin blanket from Kate's infant seat and walked over to me and draped it over Kate without saying a word. She didn't need to; her message was clear. I needed be covered as if I were an inappropriately dressed teenager. I felt stripped of autonomy. It's my body, my breasts, my modest, my comfort level. I decide if I want to cover. I responded to her passive aggressive actions with one of my own. I took the blanket off and dropped it on the floor.

So, I admit that much of my intention for this post was to have a good rant about my mother, but it feels interesting to note that although I've become so much more enlightened about breastfeeding through my own experience, some of my prior perspective is validated. I feel the role of the hospital staff was to help us start breastfeeding though teaching and trouble shooting, but the support received when you leave the hospital is far more important for continuation. I enclosed my list of tips to help with breastfeeding.

1. Work with the nurses in the hospital to make sure your baby gets a good latch. Kick visitors out until you feel comfortable flashing your boobs.
2. Do what ever position feels best. My nurses kept advocating the football hold, as it's supposed to be easier for C/s mammas; but we both hated it, so I asked the nurses to stop setting it up for us.
3. If you need to give formula, ask about SNS (Supplemental Nutrition System also called Supplemental Milk System). You get baby to latch on the nipple and then slip a small flexible catheter into baby's moth and deliver formula through a syringe. It's great as you both get to work on nursing and she gets the nutrition she needs. (Medela sells a SNS kit)
4. Plan to bring your Boppy/My Breast Friend to the hospital. Not all will provide and it's best to get familiar with yours
5. Don't panic (right away) about whether baby is getting enough to eat with each feed (after milk is established and the eight is going back up). Babies are smart and will take what they need. Some times it will be a big feed, other times it's just a snack. Listen for your baby to make gulping sounds and watch their hands, if the hands are relaxed, it indicates satisfaction. Count the wet diapers (urine is a better indicator than poop) We used the app MammaBaby, which allows you to track diapers, feeding times (and which breast) and sleep.
6. Go to a Lactation support group in the early days, even if things are going well. You'll gain confidence that you're doing the right things and will pick up some tips and may offer help to someone else.
7. Make sure your nursing bra fits properly. If it's too tight, it can constrict milk supply.
8. Also make sure your pumping flanges are fit to your nipples
9. The term 'nipple confusion' is a bit of a misnomer. It has less to do with the distinction between a human versus a rubber nipple and more do to with the amount of effort required by the baby. Milk flows from the bottle much quicker and easier for a baby, where as baby has to work harder to remove milk from the breast. However, if you are planning to have baby use a bottle, the best time to introduce a bottle is between 3-4 weeks. Be sure to use low flow nipples and continue to offer at least one bottle every 1-2 days.
10. Get a hand pump. It's great to keep in your diaper bag and you can pump without worrying about noise or where to plug in. Plus when baby nurses on one side, you can quickly pump on the other.
11. Hands free pumping bra. Must have hook and latch closure. The zippers break too easily and don't adjust for your changing chest size.
12. Drink Mother's Milk tea 3-5 cups while waiting for milk to come in and then 1-2 cups a day. I also do daily beer (avoid feeding 1 hour post consumption) weekly pint of ice cream and lots of oatmeal cookies.
13. As baby sleeps longer at night, consider getting up to pump. My feeling is 'tap the gold mine while you can'. I've built up quite a frozen stash, plus lots of manipulative points with my husband "I got up to pump all those nights the least you can do is X" or "I can afford to buy [something] because I saved us the expense of formula." Oh yeah, that one will get used a lot...
14. When you go back to work, order more sets of phalanges and pump parts. It avoids needing to wash the same set between pumping sessions (and the awkwardness of washing your pump parts in the breakroom of your office).
15. Playing Tetris the the best way to pass time while pumping.

Eight Months

Wow. I didn't mean to go an entire month without posting, but in fairness, February was a short month. At eight months, it feels like we're hitting our stride and have fallen into a good routine. Our week looks something like this:

Monday: My late night at work. I drop Kate off at day care at 7:30 AM and I'm home around 7:00 PM just in time to put her to bed. Dinner is reheated leftovers from Sunday's meal.

Tuesday: After she demonstrated her planking abilities, I started taking Kate to Baby Yoga. I was hoping there would be some 'Mommy Yoga' in this class, but it's mostly working babies through a few poses and there's a lot of sitting around in a circle singing songs. My younger self vowed that she would never participate in a Mommy and Me singing play group, but I have to admit that I think the class is good for Kate. The instructor is very energetic and she explains the benefits to each activity. She teaches some baby signing, brings in music and leads purposeful play. Plus, it's reasonably priced at $10 for a drop in class or $25 for three classes. I use the excuse that I have a horrible singing voice (which is accurate) to evade singing any of the songs in class. I'm somewhat being true to my younger self. After yoga, we'll meet Husband at the gym. Kate will usually sleep through the first part of the WOD, then we'll tag team baby care and doing our workout. It's the epitome of teamwork parenting. While Kate takes her afternoon nap (hopefully) I'll work on meal prep for the rest of the week. Mixing dry ingredients, cutting up chicken and freezing it in pieces, I look for any shortcuts to make preparing a healthy meal quicker. As much as I love having a day off, I try to get so much done that I feel exhausted at the end of the day and I return to work feeling more tired, but I am not complaining.

Wednesday; Regular work day. Wednesday is also the night to put our garbage and recycling bins in front of the house. I'm not sure why this activity is so time consuming.

Thursday: Another regular work day and my gym night. Home in time to put Kate to bed.

Friday: My early morning. I've started to appreciate that it's been getting lighter during my drive. Now that will change again after Day Light Savings.

Saturday; Baby sign class, then take Kate for a jog in the running stroller. Clean the bathrooms when I get home.

Sunday: Another gym day for me, sometimes Husband and Kate will join. After the gym, we hit the Farmer's Market and Tar.get. I mention this because the market is right in front of Tar.get. There are many signs indicating that there is no Farmer's Market parking in the Tar.get garage. I argue that if I shop at Tar.get [in addition to going to the market] I am legally parking. Plus, I see many other people using the Tar.get parking lot while shopping at the market. Once we make it home, I do my lunch prep for the week and make dinner.

At times it feels that most of my week is consumed with work, followed by planning meals for the upcoming week, shopping for food and preparing to cook. Please note, not every week is like this. For instance, this past weekend Husband was away both days for a hockey tournament, on Tuesday I had to take Kate to the doctors, Thursday I had to teach a class after work, and on Sunday morning I was too exhausted to work out after being up multiple times with Kate during the night. Boom. I haven't been to the gym in 10 days. I'm learning to get over it. Any week that I get to be Kate's mother is a good week.

Stats: 18 lbs 5 oz 27 inches

Teeth: Nope. Still None. I've accepted that she's never going to get any teeth. Nor hair. My baby will forever be toothless and bald, but we'll still love her. Next.

Feeding: My Australian friend Kylie shared with me that her milk supply suddenly dried up around seven months, so I was wary of approaching a seven month drought.  In the hay day of my over supply, I could pump 6-7 ounces per session, a few times hitting a PB of 8 ounces. When I went back to work, the milk slowed a bit, but I could still pump 5-6 ounces on a regular basis. Earlier this month, I had a day where I could only produce 4 ounces per session. I tried not to panic, but three days later, I was struggling to get 4 ounces. This also coincided with our decision to increase her bottles up to 6 ounces. I went to my usual routine to promote milk production; 5 cups of Mother's Milk tea per day, Power.ade, a beer (or two), lots of water and a box of oatmeal raisin cookies. This only yielded a modest increase, it was time to be more proactive. I went to a health food shop and purchased some Fenu.greek. It didn't really work, as I was still just barely getting four ounces and apparently, if it is effective, it makes your urine smell like maple syrup, which never happened.

I consulted Kelly.Mom for some advice; try adding an extra pumping session. I had been getting up every 3.5 to 4 hours at night to pump, but to fit in an extra session, I started getting up every three hours. I was able to accumulate more milk, but still wasn't producing a higher volume. Maybe I needed a new pump, as I channeled my inner Tim the Tool Man Taylor. More Power! [insert grunting noises] As I didn't go through my insurance to purchase my current pump, I decided to use my benefits provided by the Affordable Care Act, to acquire a hospital grade pump. The new hospital grade More Power! pump required a longer period of time to produce less milk than my Med.ela Pump in Style Advance.

Then, while pumping on a busy Friday morning at work, I produced 7 ounces. My next two pumping sessions each yielded 5 ounces. Bessie was back! For how long -who knows? While I was pregnant, I had promised myself that I would pressure my breasts into feeding for X amount of time, but when things were going well, it seemed reasonable to set short term goals. 3 months. 6 months. 9 months. Ideally, I'd like to get as close as I can to the one year mark, but I have to ask myself at times; do I really feel it is necessary to make it to one year, or do I just like the sounds of saying that I made it to one year? If we were to start using formula, she'd be just fine. We actually have 5 or 6 cans that my aunt gave us, so it would cost anything to use. Maybe I just like working towards a goal; or I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know I don't want to breastfeed beyond a year, and I'm not sure how to wean Kate from the breast. I want to make sure I stop before she can ask for the breast, or undo my shirt. One of my patients described that at nine months, "my son fired me". He just lost interest one day. I would appreciate it if Kate were to decide for herself when to stop breastfeeding. My current plan is to continue to push through March and April to pump as much as I can, if we're able to keep adding to our freezer stash, then I can ease up a bit in May. I'm planning to do a Whole 30 Challenge in June, and whatever happens to my milk supply during that time, is what happens. Yet, I have to admit that as anxious as I am to be finished with breastfeeding. I will miss it.

Sleep: We had to accept that her sleep would struggle while she was recovering from her ear infection, which seemed to be followed by a cold. Yet, even after she was feeling better, she would still wake up about three times per night. Sometimes as frequently as every two hours. Our slumber would be interrupted by a cry so gentle, it could be mistaken for a cat's meow. While hoping that the cries would quietly extinguish, husband and I would have to acknowledge that she was getting louder and more urgent. "What do you want to do?" he always asks me. I hate being asked that question, because what I want to do (go back to sleep) isn't an option for me. It's the dilemma that I face. Am I a horrible mother because I am letting my hungry baby cry? or am I a horrible mother as I'm only nursing my baby for comfort and habit. I'm guilty of the latter, because selfishly, it means I can go back to sleep sooner. Husband hypothosized that if we fed her more during the day, she shouldn't be so hungry at night. We increased her milk volume to 6 ounces per bottle and the first night, she only woke up once. Then she slept through the night three nights in a row. We thought we were so smart. but lately she's been waking up once a night again. I'm considering starting a planned dream feed to see if this eliminates her from waking on her own. If so, then I can work on cutting out the dream feed. She's also been waking a bit earlier around 5 AM. A few times, we've brought her to bed with us and she's fallen back to sleep. I'm trying to be very careful with this, as I don't want to invite a co-sleeping situation. It will be fun to see how she handles the Dayling Savings time change.

Milestones: One day she was sitting on her playmat and she reached her arms out to me. I held her hands and she proceeded to pull her self up to a stand and take two steps. Holy shit. We'll have a walker before we know it. We were not so impressed with early achievement of this skill when she pulls herself to a stand in her crib.

Her language seems to be on track. She's making "Ba-ba" and Da-da" sounds. Although, I don't think she connects that Husband is Da-da. The other morning, I made the banana sign, and was greeted with a big smile. I'm probably over-interpreting her reaction.

Likes: Now that she can pull herself to a stand, she wants to stand ALL.THE.TIME. She'll pull her self up on anything. The sofa. The drying rack. She'll even approach other parents at Baby Sign class and will try to enlist their help. She'll find anyway to stand up, even by pushing off her Activity Cube. The benefit is that she can play with the cube switched off. Seriously, the cube has to win the award for most annoying toy. The bird in the circle, sings a song that's wonderful. Tweet!Tweet!Tweet! The bird in the circle!

Apparently, she has a friend a Day Care. The baby with whom she spends most of her time is a boy named Grayson who is turning a year old this month. Husband is already keen to check out this boy and inquire about his intentions with our daughter.

Dislikes: The Pack and Play (aka 'Baby Jail'). We'll place her it in when we need to get something done, and she'll happily play for about 15, maybe 20 miutes before she's had enough and wants out.

Diapering: Oh, the Cone of Shame was a huge fail. It didn't stop her from rolling around, but it was helpful to keep her hands from getting messy. Until she figured out how to separate the velcroed pieces. Now it's just an expensive extra changing pad. I feel compelled to admit that we use a diaper service for our cloth diapers. It was the only way I could get Husband on board as he refused to wash the diapers. Plus, I know some make the argument that while cloth diapers aren't adding to the landfill, they do use more energy for washing. The people at our diaper service claim that because they are using industrial sized and strength washing machines, it takes the same amount of water for one toilet flush to clean a week's worth of diapers for one family. We're also under strict water restrictions because of the drought. Additionally, I feel that I'm helping to sustain cloth diapering by giving this service our business. Their staff was also super helpful when Kate has some skin breakdown issues in the beginning.

I recently met a mom who is so hard core about cloth diapering that she cleans her own diapers, uses them at night, and even used them while travelling. I could tell she didn't think I was a real cloth diapering mom, but I don't really care. We use disposables at night as they are just so absorbent. I swear the diaper must weigh close to a pound by the time we change her in the morning. So far, no leaks. We're still in size 3. Tar.get recently had a coupon $10 off if you spend more than $50 in diapers and they were running a promotion that if you bought (2) 124 count boxes, you would earn a $10 gift card. Boom! $20 in savings.  I hope we stay in this size for a while.
Clothes: Her wardrobe has been rather monotonous as I didn't want to buy any more 6 month sized pieces. She's still not quite big enough for the 9 month size, but her 6 month jammies no longer fit. Her pants have become capri lengths.

Health Issues: She recovered quite quickly from her ear infections as soon as we started her on antibiotics. Husband was concerned as she had a persistent cough, so we took her in to see her pediatrician. He reminded us that we are in cold and flu season, and for a day care baby, Kate was doing really well to escape with just two colds and an ear infection. For the record, I had said the same thing.

Looking forward to: My parents are coming for a visit! Kate's Day Care closes for a week in April. Husband has a work project that week, and two of my colleagues are also off that week, so my parents are going to be called upon for baby sitting. They are only staying for one week, and we both have unrealistic expectations for their visit. Husband wants my Dad to help with some DIY projects and I'm hoping my Mom and I can make some meals to freeze. I don't think my parents are going to want to do much beyond playing with Kate.

Seven Months

This update feels a little bittersweet. My baby has passed the half way point and is closer to being a toddler than an infant. It's so incredible to look through her pictures and appreciate how much she has changed even if I can't notice a difference on a day to day basis. Perhaps the most tangible difference occured a few weeks ago when she tried to wiggle out of my arms while I was cuddling her. Sigh, where did my little infant who could rest in my arms like a loaf of bread go? Soon enough she'll be walking, eating real food and maybe even talking. Time, please slow down..

Nicknames: Cup Kate, Button, Little Bunny, Kater Tot

Stats:
Weight: 17 lbs 11 oz
Length: 26.5 inches

Teeth: The anticipation is killing us. So, we think we've had all.the.symptoms. Drooling perfusely -check. Biting everything in sight -check. Decreased interest in eating -check.  Difficulty sleeping -check, check. Irritability -check. Everything except for the emergency of any pearly whites. We've had a few really bad nights where she would wake frequently, or take a long time to get back to sleep, so we'll give her some Infants' Advil, thinking this might finally be the real thing, only to discover, no we've just been drugging our daughter. Many years ago we had some issues with our late cat Angus, who was upset about something and decided to boycott the litter box. We loaded him up on catnip and he was so mellow that he got over whatever it was that was bothering him again and returned to using his kitty bathroom. I speculated, "Oh, won't we make good parents if we think drugs are the answer.."

Eating: As she doesn't have any teeth yet, I'm glad we're doing purees, especially as I noticed she pushes out the slightest chunk. I'm finding that I have to pre-mash the vegtables before putting them into the baby bullet in order to get a nice perfectly smooth consistency. We started with squash, and then went to peas, which we thought she liked, but apparently she spits them out at Day Care, and they kept writing "doesn't like peas" on her daily report before we finally got the hint; to stop putting the peas in her Day Care bag. The next thing we tried was bananas, which she absolutely loved. I can't blame her, I had a spoonful myself. It's delicious and I'm thinking of blending a banana for dessert and pretending that it's ice cream. Introducing carrots and avacado also coincided with her possible teething and cold + ear infection, so it was hard to tell how well they really were received. She'll often put her hands in her mouth after eating a spoonful, and I discovered bits of food on her lap and down the side of her highchair, which seems to be her version of spitting into your napkin. Co-worker suggested adding some banana to the carrots, which was a big hit. (I tried a sample myself, it is much better!) Apparently in a baby's world, it's not bacon that makes everything better, it's banana.

Sleep: It is such a moving target. She spoiled us by sleeping through the night after two months. I was terrified about the four month sleep regression, and sure enough she started waking during the night at that age. However, she would nurse and go back to sleep quite quickly, which wasn't too bad. Intermittently, she would still sleep through the night, but never more than two nights in a row. About a week or so after her six month birthday, she hit a new personal best and slept all night long for four consecutive nights. We were begining to think that we might go back to life from 2-4 months, but then it all unraveled. She broke her four night streak by waking every two hours, which I think is more frequent that when she was a newborn. Now, she's been averaging about 2-3 wakes per night and a good night is defined as just one waking. If it happens before midnight, then it's a very good night.

We have made some progress with sleep training. While Husband was away, I worked on putting her to bed awake and after three nights, she was falling asleep in less than ten minutes, with a bit of a babblish/light crying. Recently, she's been so tired that she falls asleep while nursing and seems to resist my attempts to gently rouse her while placing her in the crib. We've started using a 15 minute rule when she wakes during the night, wait 15 minutes to see if she goes back to sleep on her own (which happens about 40% of the time). If not, I'll nurse and will find that more often than not, she seems pretty hungry and will fall back to sleep rather quickly. Except for the few occasions, where she's showed no interest in going back to sleep and I'll just leave her in the crib to cry it out. She has started sleeping on her stomach, which makes her Daddy a bit nervous.

Likes: Pulling Mummy's hair. I keep a whole stack of hair ties on my stick shift and I've found it's not enough just to pull my hair into a ponytail. It needs to be a braid or a bun and if there is a wisp that falls loose; she will grab it. Loves bananas, still a big fan of bathtime. She's recently become fascinated with Tyler, and for the most part he's been very tolerant as she's tried to get near him or pet him. She started moving toward him and he gave a look that clearly read: "Oh shit! It moves!"

Stay.in.the.box.

Dislikes: Getting her nails trimmed. Unfortunately, like her mother, her fingernails grow quite quickly. She hates having her face and hands wiped after eating, as that is just the WORST THING EVER!

Diapers: Remember in the Six month update, where I described that diaper changes were becoming 'challenging'? Well, that got quickly upgraded to fucking nightmare. It's like trying to mud wrestle a pig. She won't stay on her back and she rolls around, or she tries to get up on her hands and knees. We asked her Day Care providers for some advice, and they commented, 'well all kids roll around at this age... but Kate is really strong, so it's much harder...' I'm speculating that they must do Rock/Paper/Scissors to decide who changes her, which is pretty much what we do. Trying to distract her with a toy only seems to encourage her to move more. It was starting to take the effort of both of us just to change and dress her. A few times, we both lost our cool and snapped at her. I was desparate for anything that might help, so I took interest when I saw a product called the SnoofyBee, which is a changing pad with a...sort of.. a dog cone. I read the reviews and oh boy, did the Sanctimommies weigh in on this one. "It's called disclipine, can't you just tell your child 'no'" (Um, she's 7 months old, doesn't quite understand the concept yet. I even tried saying 'non-non-non-non' in a [poor] French accent) "Can't you just distract them with a toy?" (Tried that; didn't work).

Yes. I put her in the CONE OF SHAME!

I have no problem confessing that I am a horrible mother, who was so desparate to do anything to make diaper changes easier. Unfortunately, it didn't achieve the objective, as she could still twist and turn. Admitting defeat, we've learned how to diaper her while she's on her hands and knees. It's not too hard when we're putting her in her nightly disposable diaper, but it really wasn't working to fasten her into a cloth diaper. We started using the tri-fold technique, which involves folding the diaper into thirds, so it makes like a long sanitary napkin and it is held in place with the diaper cover. This works to diaper her while she is on her hands and knees, and better yet, it doesn't require Snappy Clips. Does anyone else who cloth diapers noticed that your Snappy Clips suddenly disappear, as if there is a Bermuda Triangle for Snappy Clips? Then they suddenly re-appear as soon as you pick up a new package. 

Clothes:  Still in 6-9 months. I purchased a few sale items in the 9 month size, but they're too big for her right now. Let's keep it that way for a while. 

Milestones and Events: I forgot to mention it last month, but as 'sits independently' is on the developmental check list, we ticked that box just after the New Year. I'm bringing it up again, as I'm reminiscent of the days where she would remain stationary. Once she figured out that she could move forward, there has been no signs of stopping or even slowing down. After she realised that she wasn't going to get very far by moving backward, she took her first step toward crawling, but getting into a plank position. 

Her Cross-Fit parents are so proud!

She can get up on her hands and knees, but she really hasn't learned the coordination of moving her knees and arms in sync, so she's created her own 'slither'. She uses her upper body strength and sort of drags herself. It looks a little like 'the worm' via 80s break dancing. It's amusing and yet terrifing as she's remarkably quick. Yesterday I noticed that she seemed to want to pull herself up on the couch, so I allowed her to push off my hands and she was able to pull herself to a stand, and then proceeded to take two steps. Yikes! we may have a baby who skips crawling and just goes onto walking. 

If you remember from my last post, I was debating about running a 10K over Valentine's/President's Day weekend. Husband signed up to umpire for a hockey tournament (which was supposed to be just the morning, but ended up being an all-day event) so if I went, I would have to bring Kate along. I decided that we weren't ready, I had only taken her out in the running stroller a few times for a walk aroung the block and my one attempt at a training run, was cut short by a screaming baby. (In her defense, she was hungry. I fed her before we left, but had to run and errand on route to the trail, which took much longer than expected) Then my swim coach contacted me as she signed up for the race, but needed to go out of town at the last minute, so she offered her registration. Well, free was a price I couldn't dismiss. Even if she had a meltdown before the starting line, I felt as if we had nothing to lose. I decided that the 5K distance would be more suitable for our maiden race, and to my surprise all went better than expected. She was content for the first two miles and fell asleep around the third. I was able to run the entire way while pushing the stroller, and I even learned that the ediquette for stroller runners is to run on the outside of the course, as I was actually faster than some other runners. I accept that not every race will be this smooth, but I'm really looking forward to doing some more with her. 

Running is very tiring...

While we were waiting for the race to start, I wanted to give her a bottle, so she'd be well fed during the race. I propped the bottle up with one of her toys, so I could attach my bib and when I looked back at her, I saw that she was feeding herself by holding the bottle with both hands! Wow. This is a game changer in terms of making our lives a little easier. 

I can do it myself!

Health Issues: She picked up her second cold. We received the call from Day Care that she had a fever and she ran a temperature for two days while she had a cough and a runny nose. Mummy was impressed that her Day Care germ exposed daughter has only had two colds in a four month timeframe, while Daddy fretted that she has an underlying respiratory disorder. He wanted to take her to the pediatrician right away, but I resisted as I figured we'd hear the usual 'it's a virus, give supportive care' speech. Finally I agreed to take her in on a Friday, so we could see our regular pediatrician, rather than the doc-du-jour at Urgent Care, if we needed to seek medical care over the weekend. Bilateral Acute Otitis Media. The first dose of antibiotics kicked her fever. Sigh. Sometimes having a parent who is a medical provider is hazzardous to your health. 

Looking forward to: Alert the press! We are going on holiday! A proper vacation that does not involve visiting family or travelling with relatives. We're using our Hawaii time share in May. There was much drama leading into this. I'll offer the condensed version. We intended to go in August as Jate's Day Care closes for two weeks. We quickly learned that not only do you have to book on the first day of the year to get anything in August, but we must either book a location or bank our points by the 31st of March each year, otherwise we lose the ability to use them. Husband applied his English charm along with recapping all our fertility/pregnancy drama to the 'Appeals Committee' and we were able to convert our timeshare points to interval points, which allows us to stay in other facilities. We then discovered that everything in Hawaii was booked for 2016, so I was researching other destinations while we were placed on a waiting list. Two days later we recieved an email that there was a vacancy in Maui in May. I looked at the hotel's website and it's easy to understand why this spot opened up. It's a very no-frills hotel. Like no on-site bar or restaurant. The pool is tiny and there isn't even any tropical folliage around it...Who cares! It's a cheap basic hotel in Hawaii! We're going on an actual vacation! 

Feeling bashful about my age...

The Road to Recovery

Many people told me that it would take close to a year to really get my body back and to recover fully from the C/section. I thought I'd give a report as I'm at the half way mark.

Physical Recovery:
I truly had very limited post operative pain. On the first day after my surgery I was only taking Motrin during the day and I used Norco at night, as the most uncomfortable aspect was getting in and out of the hospital bed to attend to Jate. By the time I went home, I didn't need any pain meds at all. However, I would learn that having a great pain tolerance didn't necessarily indicate that I was healing well. I have significant scar tissue around my incision. It has improved a bit overtime, but if I press around the incision, it feels very dense and thick. I imagine that all my insides have just congealed like cement. It still hurts from time to time. It can be uncomfortable to wear jeans, so for this reason, I'm guilty of wearing my active wear, when I've not been active. My incision is still rather red, but thankfully no keloid formation. Although I had my abdominal muscles re approximated during my surgery, it didn't exactly give me a washboard stomach. I still have a bit of a diastasis and looking back at my old bump pictures, I think I look as if I were at week 17 or 18. I got a postpartum abs workout video, but I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. I should get on that.

I went for a haircut right before going back to work. As Jate was finding joy in pulling on my hair, I wanted several inches lopped off, and as my hair is (was) rather thick, I asked her to layer it in an effort to make it a bit thinner and therefore, quicker to blowdry. I had read Amaris post about her hair falling out and I was beginning to think that maybe it just wouldn't happen to me, but then it started... I washed my hair one day and found a handful of hair. Soon, the shower stopped draining and I had to unclog it by removing the big ball of stray hairs. I decided not to panic as I remembered reading that most people lose the most hair during the month of November. Fortunately, the shedding seems to have stabilized, but now I wish that I hadn't told the hairdresser to go so nuts with the scissors. My mother threatened that my blond hair may go brunette after giving birth, as hers did after she had me. So far, my colour is not any darker than it usually gets during the winter. Finally, my face has many more fine lines and wrinkles, which are accented by the bags under my eyes due to interrupted sleep. I know that I am ageing and it would only be a matter of time before it would show, but suddenly I feel as if I'm ageing in dog years, where one calendar year has advanced my age by seven years.

Weight
My pregnancy weight gain was just shy of 25 pounds and at Jate's two week check up, I was within two pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. I got on the scale a few weeks later and saw that I had gained a few pounds back. I haven't stepped on a scale since then and now I admit that I'm afraid to do so. When I was completing my medical training, I gave a baby basics and childbirth class to satisfy my requirement for community service. One of the points that I was supposed to emphasise in order to brainwash encourage women into breastfeeding, was to discuss that breastfeeding helps new mothers lose their pregnancy weight. One woman who baby several years ago and was taking the class as a refresher spoke up and pointed out that it doesn't exactly work that way, as you have to eat so many extra calories in order to breastfeed. I was annoyed with her at that time as I felt she was undermining me, but I now I'm annoyed as I appreciate that she spoke the truth. A pregnant woman only needs an additional 200-300 calories per day, but a breastfeeding mother may need 500-1500 calories included in her daily intake. I prided myself on my disclipine and self control during my pregnancy. I didn't have any cravings and I wasn't any hungrier than usual. Actually I followed my normal diet and I probably wasn't getting the extra 200-300 calories that I was supposed to ingest.

Breastfeeding is such a horse of a different colour. Especially as I started pumping during the night.  I felt depleted after each session and would devour anything I could find to eat. I asked the nurse at my new parents group if someone has an oversupply of milk, would she need to eat on the upper end of the extra calorie allotment? No, not necessarily, she replied, but I had already answered the question in my mind: in order to be a cow, I needed to be a pig.  By the time Jate entered Day Care at 4 months old, I had over 550 ounces of breastmilk bagged and frozen in our chest freezer. We've been defrosting older milk to rotate our supply and I just finished the last bag pumped in August. So far I've been able to freeze more new milk than we've needed to thaw. My ultimate aim is to have enough in storage so that I can give her breastmilk for one year, while stopping breastfeeding around 10 months.

That date also coincides with my 40th birthday. It's sort of a deadline that I set for myself as being a good time to get off this breastfeeding binge eating and finally get on a good nutrition plan. I haven't approached him about it, but if Husband needs ideas for a birthday gift, I'd like some sessions with the Nutrition expert who provides services at our gym. As I imagine she'll set me up on some Whole 30 or sugar detox program, I keep telling myself to enjoy it while I can.  I have a beer and some ice cream in the evenings in the name of maintaining my milk supply. I keep a secret stash of oatmeal cookies so that Husband doesn't discover how quickly I'm consuming them, and more importantly, so that he doesn't eat any. From time to time, I'll feel guilty and shameful about my gluttonous caloric intake, and I'll cut back on my carbs, but then I'll have a slow pumping day and I'll decide I don't care about my weight. I'll hit my stash of cookies and will feel validated when my pumping production increases. It's become a vicious cycle and I want out.              
         
Cross-Fit
I went back to the gym when I was 5 weeks postpartum, which admittedly, may have been a little too soon. I had promised my doctor that I would take it easy, and in doing so, I started out just using the bar without weights, so I could focus on re-establishing technique. While I was pregnant, a friend from the gym who had a baby four months before Jate, sent me a link to an article discussing how working out is actually harder postpartum than pregnant. Just as I was thinking 'this won't really happen," my friend sent another message confirming "yes, it will." The article explained that your core is not the same and the fatigue from sleep interrupted nights takes a toll. Some days I could muddle through, other days I would find that I lacked the stamina. There were a few times I finished the workout last. My friend reminded me that a last place finish is better than a Did Not Finish (DNF) which is still better than a Did Not Start (DNS). I truly appreciate that now. While my parents were visiting, we took advantage of their babysitting services and managed to work out quite often. My day off and revised schedule lets me go in the evening. Then I hurt my back while putting her infant seat into the car (my first mom injury). The night it happened, I loaded up on the unused Motrin and Norco from my C/section, but it barely touched the pain and at one point, I needed Husband's help to get out of bed. It's much better now, but I've had to take a week off, which has been frustrating.

Running
It took about two months before I could run without pain. I started just doing slow jogs during Cross Fit warm-ups and it felt as if someone were sticking a corkscrew right into the scar tissue surrounding my incision. I just pushed through the pain and built up to running the 200 meter, then the 400 meter and eventually the 800 meter course. A local running group organises two running events over Thanksgiving weekend. For the past three years, I've run a 10 K on Thanksgiving and a Half Marathon on Saturday, thus allowing me to earn the Thanksgiving Mega Medal (you get an extra medal that connects the finishers medals from both races, running is really all about the bling). I wanted to make sure this year would not be an exception. I didn't want to abandon my traditions just because I had a baby. I conceded that I would have to alter my distances, especially as Husband was away at a hockey tournament and I was on my own to care for Jate. My plan was to walk the 5K on Thanksgiving, carrying Jate in the Baby Bj.orn, and I made arrangements for my aunt to watch her while I ran the 10K on Saturday. The detail I wasn't expecting was a cold front to come through the Bay Area, which would deliver some bitterly cold temperatures. It was 38 degrees F on Thanksgiving morning. There was no way I could expose a 4 month old baby to that cold, and I wasn't too thrilled about freezing my butt off either.

It was not quite as cold, but still rather chilly, when I ran the 10 K on Saturday. All I can say is that I finished. Actually, I'll add that I lost time when I had to re-tie my car key into my shoe laces and I had to text my aunt with the instructions on how to use the bottle warmer, as taping them to the warmer itself was too obvious. It wasn't bad considering that I had only done one 4.5 mile training run the week before, which is actually the last training run I've done. I've let the cold, the rainy weather, and various errands and chores become my excuse. My parents gave us a jogging stroller for Christmas, and I finally took it for a test drive last weekend. There's a race over President's Day weekend, and I haven't decided if I'll run the 10K. At one point I was hoping to run the half marathon distance for that event, but I recognise that was way too optimistic and unrealistic thinking.  Oh, I did sign up to run a marathon as part of a relay team (I can either do a hilly 6 miles, or 7 miles flat). The race is towards the end of March, so I should be able to squeeze in some training runs before then. I should also make sure Husband can take care of Jate that morning.

Swimming
Aside from not having to get up and go to work and the whole bonding with my amazing baby thing, my favourtie memories from my maternity leave were the noon swims under the warm California sun. Unlike running and Cross-fit, my return to swimming was (relatively) painless. As soon as I dove into the water, all my muscle memory returned. My breaststroke kick is just as shitty as it was before Jate's birth. After a few weeks I could feel that I was building back speed, but I would discover it was short-lived. Breastfeeding consumes about 25% of your energy, and I would find that my energy stores could be delpted quite quickly. I would start the set as the lane leader, and depending on the work-out, I could almost keep up with the faster swimmers in the lane next to me. Then, half way through the work out, I would crash and burn. I'd quickly drop to the last position and one some days, I was in danger of being lapped. That's also when I started stashing the cookies in my car. It was my only time to eat as Jate would often be awake and ready to feed when I returned home. I debated back and forth about whether or not I would sign up for the Short Course Meters (SCM) Championship meet in October, I didn't really feel ready, but I figured I'd have more regrets if I didn't enter. I was quite glad I did. I had to bring Jate to the meet, which brought a whole new challenge to meet management. I had to figure her feeding and nap times around my races, and take advantage of anyone who was willing to watch her. I finished nursing her, handed her off, grabbed my cap and googles, made it to my lane in time for the long whistle, and wiped spit-up off my arm as I climbed on the blocks.

My coach commented that she could see my competetion form seemed to be returning, and as there were fewer swimmer's available for this meet, I was assigned to the faster relay teams. I love relays as they push me to swim harder than if I were swimming for myself, and I always seem to get my best times in a relay (albeit unofficial). My times were approaching those of my peak swims. Most importantly, I was finishing faster than what my coach had expected for me. I won my heat when I swam the 50 Free, and the volunteer timer noted that I came in way under my seeded time. I looked at the clock: 36.92. I hadn't bothered converting any of my meter times into yards, so it really didn't mean anything to me. Until a few hours later, when I happened to glance at our team's list of records. I hold the record for the 50 Free, as I'm the only one in my age group who swims the 50 Free. The prior team record was 37.46. Holy shit! I had just achieved a new personal best! I know sprints are such a  game of chance. Your dive has to be perfect, the timing for your flip turn must be precise, one fewer breathe can save you tenths of seconds. If I had to swim the same distance again, I probably wouldn't produce the same time. Yet I did when it mattered. Just three months after I was discharged after my C/section, I produced a personal best. It felt so fucking good.

I felt confident that I could get back to my prior form, but just as I was gaining this momentum; my swimming hit a hiatus. I went to Connecticut for two weeks and I had planned to swim every day in my final week before returning to work, but I had too many last minute projects to complete. Husband and I talked about going back to swimming in the morning once or twice a week, but it worked more in theory than in actual practice. Jate started to wake once or twice during the night, so I needed the extra hour of sleep, if I could get it. Even if I left practice a bit early, I'd still get back home at 7:10 and would need to nurse or pump, shower, dry off, dress and be ready to leave by 8:05 at the latest. Not really feasible. I'm hoping I can go to a noon class on my day off, but in order to get back into competetion form, I really need to practice more than one day a week. Alas, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may not be able to return to swimming until she can sleep a little longer in the morning, and we're finished with breastfeeding. It pains me to acknowledge this, as I also must admit that I haven't picked up my tennis racquets in over two years. At least I (temporarily) left swimming on a high note.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Six Months

"Didn't we just do this, like a week ago?"

Well, it took 6 months, but it finally happened. Our house looks like we have a baby. One of the things I loved about our one story house from the first moment I walked through the door, is that the kitchen, dining room and living room are on the left side of the house and all the bedrooms are on the right side. The only baby related items outside of our bedroom and her nursery were the Rock and Play and her playmat, both could be folded and stored behind our sofa. Now we have a high chair and activity centre in our kitchen, as well as a bottle warmer and sterilizer, and the Baby Bullet on our counter. I used to have a herb garden in the greenhouse behind the kitchen sink, now I have a 'garden' of plastic flowers that dry bottle accessories. We got rid of our glass coffee table and there is now a foam tile floor mat in our living room. I bought a large basket to gather her toys at the end of the day. Sigh. She has taken over our house. 

These flowers are still rather high maintenance.

"You needed a new coffee table, anyway..."

So, there has been a new development with my work schedule. I had been discussing the possibility of working a long 12 hour day and reducing my work week to 36 hours, so I would only work four days. Well, somewhat not surprising, no other providers or staff members were interested in working a 12 hour day, but I was able to configure my week to work two 10 hour days. I just had to get approval from the Bean Counter. "Yeah. Good luck with that," were the encouraging words from our office manager. Yet, to my absolute dismay, I received no resistance. She replied to my email by confirming that I would still receive all my benefits, I would just earn less money. I didn't mention my intention to take a day off, as I figured she would decide that would be too nice of a perk and would find someway to block it. 

I'm very happy with the way I was able to set up my schedule. Monday is my late night, as my hours are 8 AM - 6:30 PM. I'll still drop Jate off at Day Care, and I should get home just in time to put her to bed. I selected Monday for one of my late days as there are four Federal holidays that are always on a Monday and the Christmas and New Year's Day holidays will be observed on a Monday for the next two years. (I did a lot of reaseach into this) Tuesday will be my day off, so I'll have a nice long weekend during those Monday holidays. Friday is going to be my early day, where I start at 7 AM. It's going to suck leaving the house so early, but I'm just going to think about what I did on my day off and feel excited for the weekend. 

As it feels too good to be true, I'm not going to really believe it until it plays out for a few weeks. We didn't make arrangements to decrease Jate's Day Care until February. At times I feel that we've been in a really good grove with our current work and Day Care situation, so why disrupt it? Then I remind myself that I can always return to the status quo if this new schedule doesn't work out, and I'll regret it if I don't take advantage of this opportunity. The difference in my take home pay for the year, after adjusting for taxes and off-setting the Day Care savings, is $5,500. Spending more time with Jate: Priceless. 

Stats:
Weight 17 lbs 4 oz
Length 26 inches

Eating:
We finally started solids! On the advice of our Pediatrician, we first introduced rice cereal. (I've never understood the concept of rice cereal, but I suppose there is Rice Chex...) I followed the instructions on the back of the package and mixed 1 tbsp of cereal with 4 tbsp of breastmilk. It was pretty thin and runny, so it was more of a case of spoon feeding her breastmilk than experiencing solid textures. We recorded the event, which featured Husband accusing me of reversing the ratio of ingredients, then reading the box to discover that I was right, and me, doing my 'I told you so!' dance. While it was easy getting food into her, it was not so easy for her digestion, as she cried for almost two hours that night. We discovered that we made a rookie error by feeding her at night. Our pediatrician advised us to introduce anything new in the morning or early afternoon, and to give some simethicone ahead of the feeding. We followed those instructions when offered her first taste of vegetables (butternut squash) and it seemed to be better received. We've learned that it takes her GI system a little while to adjust to something new, so we've decided to wait one week before introducing anything new, and we'll do it on the weekend. 

"Ready to get more food on my face and hands than in my mouth!"

Teeth:

Still none. Our Pedi doesn't think it will happen in the next month

Sleep:

Our biggest accomplishment in the sleep department is that we transitioned her to her crib, but we took a few steps back during the process. A few things contributed to her adjusting to the crib rather well. We had be having her take her naps in the crib for almost two months, and we probably kept her in the bassinet a bit too long, to the point of it being too small for her. We had been working on teaching sleep independence, where we would put her down before she fell asleep, in order to teach her to fall asleep on her own. We had also been doing some sleep training if she woke up before midnight, but we began to notice a pattern that she seemed to be waking each night around 11 PM, so we started feeding her as if it were a dream feed, as we found that if she didn't wake up at 11 PM, she tends to wake at 3 AM. A feed at 11 PM is much preferred to one at 3 AM. These feeds are relatively easy, and she usually falls back to sleep in about 15-20 minutes. She seems to suck vigorously, which makes me think she's truly very hungry, but as she goes back to sleep so easily, I also question of we should be doing more sleep training. I don't have any answers, but I did learn some valuable lessons

We decided that we would do the crib transition while my parents were visiting, so that if we had a really bad night, we'd have extra help on hand during the day. However, sleep training with the grandparents doesn't work. If the sound of your baby's cries doesn't break your heart, your mother shooting daggers with her eyes will. My mother really didn't get the concept and kept offering, 'do you want me to rock her?' which made me feel like we were just being lazy parents. So, I rocked her to a sound sleep before putting her to bed each night, and we nursed each and every time she woke up. We're back to square one, just in a new venue. I'm happy that she's settled in her own room, but it was hard to walk into our room and see the empty basinett. We decided we would keep it up for a few days just in case the transition totally backfired, but like Amaris, I can't bring myself to take it down. Mostly, because it is useful storage for clothes that are clean, but I'm too lazy to hang back in the closet. After yelling at Tyler to get out of the basinett, I'm now encouraging him to use it. 

"Piss off. This is my bed now."

Likes:
Before we started feeding her, we put her in her high chair and would let her play with a few toys. She discovered the fun game of 'throw stuff on the floor and watch Mummy and Daddy pick it up'. She wins every time. She received a few new toys that seem to capture her attention for a little while. Our favourite toy is 'Follow Me Fiona", which is a little dog that is supposed to encourage babies to crawl. She started to make this high pitched squealing sound, so Husband and I would blow raspberries to divert her attention. Now she won't stop blowing raspberries.

Dislikes:
Not a happy camper when it's time to get into her car seat. She's also not a fan of her late afternoon nap. It's always a struggle to get her to go down and it's her shortest nap.

Diapers:
Still the same; size 3 Pamp.ers at night and regular sized cloth diapers during the day. However, now that she can roll, diaper changes have become really challenging.

Clothes:
We're now in 6-9 month sized clothes, and I just stocked up on some 9 month sized layette sets from Cart.ers. Despite the fact that no teeth are imminent, she drools profusely, prompting frequent outfit changes. I usually have to change her clothes after eating. Our Day Care requests to have two extra sets of clothes in the event of a blowout. We have six set aside for Jate, and she's gone through them all in the course of a week. Husband jokes that she goes through more outfits than Madonna in concert. We do a lot of laundry.

Milestones:
She's really taken off with rolling. If we put her on the foam tile mat, she'll roll her way from one side to the other. There is no leaving her unattended even for a minute. She's not really figured out crawling yet. She can get herself into position,  but she'll push backwards, rather than moving forward. Her hand coordination is very impressive, and our pediatrician commented that developmentally, she seems to be at a nine month level. He did warn that babies who developmentally advanced, sometimes incur language delays. I don't want to make the mistakes of my cousin, who buried her head in the sand and ignored her son's obvious language delays. So in an effort to be proactive, we enrolled her in a baby sign language class. Despite the fact that he pissed and moaned on the drive, Husband actually really enjoyed the class and has been doing quite a bit of practice with her. I've been brushing up on my basic Spanish so I can read her classics such as Vi Perro Vi!, Buenas Noches Luna and Huevos Verdes con Jamon.

Health Issues:
Fortunately, she recover from her cold rather quickly and has been well since then!

Looking Forward To:
If it goes go to fruition, I'll be looking forward to having a day off during the week, but to be honest, I'm not sure what we'll do! I feel like we need to be more productive than my bottle washing Gilmore Girls watching days from my maternity leave. I've been looking into a Mom and Baby yoga class at our local sports store, and our library has a lot of free events. I will admit that I'm hoping to sync her nap back to noontime, so that I can swim again. Actually, as we still have Jate in Day Care full time in January, I'll have two baby free days to myself. One of the items on my to-do list is to have a good cull of my closet as well as removing old health and beauty items from our bathroom cabinets as well as sorting for expired items in our pantry and fridge. Sigh. Isn't sad that I look forward to these tasks? 

Let It Go

A few months ago, my mother asked if I were planning to use pictures of Kate for our Christmas card. "I can't" I replied "It was really hard for me to see pictures of everyone else's kids each year."  My mother quietly repressed a sigh. "Jane," she paused. "Do you think you'll ever be able to let some of these feelings go?"

Let it go? I was tempted to launch into my 'once infertile, always infertile" speech, but I remembered we already had that conversation earlier that morning. I mentioned that one of my blogger friends had a spontaneous pregnancy after her first pregnancy was achieved after her 5th IVF transfer.

"So she's fertile." My mother interrupted
"Well, no." I countered. "The spontaneous pregnancy doesn't erase the multiple failed transfers and the years of heartbreak."
"But she conceived without intervention" My mother stood her ground "So everything works. She's fertile."

I was not going to let her have the last word. "It's like how Shroedinger's Cat is considered to be both alive and dead. She is simultaneously both infertile and fertile." I really don't understand Shroedinger's experiment, but I figured it would successfully end the argument. It seemed to work, so I decided to follow with a more vivid explanation.

"It was especially hard as both of my miscarriages were right before Christmas. Looking at pictures of other people's children reminded me of what I wanted, but didn't have and may never have. I was reminded that I was falling further behind as their kids aged each year. I felt regret that we didn't start trying for a family earlier. I felt confronted by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future all at once."

"So, are you ever going to be able to let it go?"

No, I can't let it go, but I have eased up a little bit. It started at the pool one day. I realised that I still carried a lot of resentment toward Lena, as if it were my default position. One day, we had both brought our babies to swim practice and the image of the two strollers side by side softened me. Even though our path to parenthood was quite different, we were in this together. I friended her on Face.book, so I could add her to a closed group for new parents. In turn, she gave me some sleep training tips.

During my trip back east, we got together with my mother's side of the family, which included my recovering heroin addict cousin, his former heroin addict girlfriend and their almost year old son. I received the news about their pregnancy right after my fourth failed transfer. The one considered 'A New Hope' as it was with a grade 1 known euploid embryo. I wasn't so much jealous, as I was resentful. As I was researching recurrent implantation failure and trying to figure out the strategery for the fifth transfer 'The Kitchen Sink' I figured why not start shooting heroin? I had not seen this cousin in over 16 years. He was just a 17 year old kid at our last encounter and now he was a 33 year old father. Although I still remain somewhat skeptical, it really seems that fatherhood has had a positive influence in his life and he has been clean for nearly two years. He appears to be a dedicated father and as he was explaining baby sleep patterns and sleep regressions to my other cousin, I realised I could actually ask his for advice. "Oh, we had no idea what we were getting into." he explained "We spent the first few nights Googling everything we could" "So did we" I admitted "Seriously?" he asked. Seriously. I'm sure they had additional challenges as I imagine their baby was withdrawaling from methadone.

Finally, I renounced my jealousy over Myrtle's so called textbook perfect vaginal birth. Myrtle shared that her memories of her daughter's birth will always be tarnished by the fact that both her nurses were encouraging her to push as if she had to poop. Over and over again she heard those words. "Pretend you're trying to take a big poop!" "Push like you're really constipated!" As Myrtle was terrified that she would actually poop during the delivery, she twice asked the nurses to cease using that reference, but it was to no avail. I may be forever branded by my Caesarean scar, but at least there was no reference to deification when Kate entered the world.

I had been feeling that I had to confront my bitter feelings for all the pregnancy announcements encountered while I was infertile, in a similar way that an alcoholic goes through step nine and has to apologise to all the people he wronged. However, there is some resentment that I just can't let go. My cousin and her "souvenir" from her vacation in Hawaii, when she was so "relaxed." I just can't get past the fact that someone who endured all those bull shit lines while she was infertile, would turn around and use them to explain her spontaneous conception. Yet, a few weeks ago I noticed that she shared a link to an New York Times article entitled "Don't Ask Me When I'm Going to Have Kids" which discussed the hidden epidemic of infertility. I felt so proud of her for taking the courageous step to come out with her infertility experience. I also felt satisfied that she was proving my point. Five years after IVF led her to her firstborn and after a spontaneous conception, she still couldn't let it go.

Meanwhile, I still didn't have a decision about what to do with our Christmas cards. I finally designed our birth announcements, but I was feeling cheap and/or lazy about doing two mass mailings. "Maybe  you can just mail a generic Christmas card with the birth announcements." suggested Co-worker, although it seemed to be the same as having a baby picture Christmas card. "Why don't we just take a year off from sending Christmas cards?" I reluctantly agreed that it seemed like the best option. Yet every time I opened a card that was sent to us, I felt guilty and disappointed, but I'm trying to let it go.

Five Months

Well, I've managed to survive one month as a working mom. Going back to work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. After a few days, I didn't feel as rusty, and while I won't say I'm enjoying being back at work, I discovered there were some aspects that I missed. In some ways, it's easier. I've been doing my job for thirteen years, I've only been a mother for five months. It feels more comfortable, so much so that I actually don't think about Jate too much during work. Wow, that sounds like a horrible thing to say. I do feel a greater sense of urgency to get out of the office each day, so I can go home and soak up every minute with her. I've lamented that I don't have the type of job that allows me to work from home, but that's not entirely accurate. For years, I've resisted having access to our EHR from home, as I didn't want to cross my work life and my home life. Now it's a necessary evil. I can catch up on my charting after she goes to sleep and when the clock strikes five-thirty, I'm out of the office like Fred Flinstone leaving the Quarry.

In her book, Bossypants, Tina Fey reveals how she resents the question, 'how do you juggle it all?' as she feels it's code for 'you're fucking something up aren't you?' So here are my failures as a working mom. We've been eating more processed food. On Sunday I'll try to make something like a meatloaf or a Sheppard's pie, so we'll have leftovers for another meal. I also made a double batch of beef stew and chicken Chipolte stew over the Thanksgiving break, so we can just defrost one of those for an easy, but homemade dinner. My friend Amy gave me the tip of using frozen vegtables; because, hey, they're still vegtables.  Sadly, Skillet Sensations and Safe.way frozen fish can become weekly staples. I haven't made it to the pool since I left for Connecticut. I don't think it will happen until she can reliably sleep later in the morning. I'm telling myself that I wouldn't want to swim because it's so cold, but I really do miss it. I also haven't made it to the gym in a while. I had negotiated to reduce my lunch to half an hour, so I can leave by 5 PM, but that won't take effect until the new year. I went last week when I was still in the thick of my cold, and the workout kicked my ass and then came back to kick it some more. The holidays are also consuming quite a bit of time. In addition to doing our usual weekend errands, Jate and I spent last Sunday stopping for Myrtle's family. My evenings were spent making photo collages for the grandparents, and wrapping the presents to prepare for shipping. Husband offered to take the packages to the post office, so he can say that he helped with Christmas. Not that I'm sounding ungrateful, as I appreciated having one less thing to do. One less. Okay, time to stop whining and remember how fortunate I am to have this wonderful little person in my life. These five months have been awesome.

Nicknames: Button, Muffin, Little bunny, Cup Kate, Beef Kate

Stats: 15 lbs 11 oz height 25.5 inches

Eating: We are dragging our heels on starting solids, but we're finally gearing up for it. As in, we're finally getting the required gear. I picked up some bowls and spoons and a box of rice cereal. We ordered a high chair from Ama.zon, and the box is still sitting in the hallway. Maybe we'll get around to it next weekend, or maybe we'll wait until my parents arrive. There have been a few occasions when I've kept her on my lap while I'm eating, and she seems interested, but not overly keen. I've decided I'm not going to do the Baby-led Weaning thing. Mostly, because I don't fully understand it, and when I was reading about it, the source said it can involve wasted food and can make a mess. Two things, I don't really like. I spend about an hour each week preparing my lunch by chopping up veggies into snack baggies and scooping yoghurt and jello into plastic containers, so preparing baby food will fit into my routine.

Teeth: None yet. Not anxious for this either.

Sleeping: Every night leading up to her four month birthday was met with trepidation, when would we stumble into the Four Month Sleep Regression? We got our first glimpse while we were in Connecticut, on my mother's projected "night of hell". She would wake up, we'd pick her up and she'd fall asleep in our arms within seconds. Then, the moment we placed her back in bed, no matter how gingerly, her eyes opened wide and she would start to wail. This went on for over two hours, before we were finally able to put her down without the rebound wakefulness. The next night, she went back to sleeping through the night, so we figured it was a fluke, or she and my mother are conspiring to make me crazy. However, when we returned to California, she gave us another night of waking as soon as her head touched the bed. After an hour of this fight, I surrendered. We were scheduled to take her for her baby photo shoot and I didn't want a cranky, overtired baby on the set. I took her to bed with me and let her sleep on the Bop.py, while I dozed as well. Later that day, we took her for her four month vaccinations and she slept through the night. Now, I finally understood why some parents want to space their kids shots, it's so everyone can get some sleep. The night leading into my first day back to work, she started waking at least once during the night. We did our usual routine, Husband gets up to change her and then I feed her. She would fall asleep rather quickly and then easily transition back to her bassinett. One morning while Husband was reminiscing on how nice it was when she slept through the night, I had to remind him that we were spoilt, and honestly getting up once during the night isn't too bad.

Then one day, Lena, my swim teammate who has a baby exactly one month older than Jate, shared how they successfully sleep trained their baby to sleep 12 hours straight. She relayed that her pediatrician said since she could sleep through the night, the nursing is more for comfort and habit. This made sense, so we tried to put her back to sleep without nursing one night and fought with her from 2:30 to 3:30 before I gave in and offered the boob. She chomped down as if she hadn't eaten in days. Then I remembered that she did miss a feeding that day. It was 4 AM by the time I successfully got her back into her bed. I climbed into my bed and Tyler decided to walk in circles around me. After twenty minutes of waiting for him to settle, I kicked him off the bed and it took me another 30 minutes to finally fall asleep -for a restful 45 minutes before my alarm rang. I kept thinking that I could have had a decent night's sleep if only I nursed her right from the start. I contacted the nurse who ran our new parents group and she thought that Jate may be hungrier as she is more active during day care and is going through this developmental leap. This also made sense, but I had confess that we may just be taking the easy way out and may pay for this later.

Thus, we came up with a new strategery. If she wakes up before midnight, we'll sleep train her until she goes back to sleep; if she wakes up after midnight, we'll feed and hope for a quick transition back to her basinett. We felt this was a good compromise as she would be learning to put herself back to sleep, and we'd make sure we got some sleep after the wee morning hours and would keep our sanity. Then one night she woke up at 11:30. We got so close to achieving slumber by the arbitrary midnight deadline; she would sleep for a few minutes, then wake up again. We gave it to 12:30, before I gave in and nursed. I thought for sure this inconsistent action would totally set her back, but at press time, she's slept through the night for the past two nights. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Likes: My in-laws got her a new activity centre, which she really enjoyed the first time we placed her in it. However, she's caught on to us. She's figured out that we're hoping she entertains herself so that we can get some chores done, so it has fallen out of favour. In turn, she's developed a new appreciation for the Baby Bj.orn as it allows her to stay close to Mummy while she's cleaning. She's reached out and pet Tyler a few times, so I think we can add him to the likes column.

Dislikes: Socks. She really can't stand wearing socks or anything on her feet. She's figured out how to brace the toe of the sock with one foot and pull her foot out, or she'll grab the sock with her hand and will wiggle her foot free. Since it's been pretty chilly, I've been keeping her in pants that have covered feet. I'm waiting until she figures out how to take her pants off.

Diapers: Still size 3 Pamp.ers and still in cloth during the day. Every evening when I have to scrub her diaper covers, I feel reminded that there is a not so glamuorous aspect to saving the planet.

Clothes: Solidly into 6 month size. I finally cleaned out all the three month onesies from her dresser.

Milestones: Finally rolled over from back to front! After getting so close for so many weeks, at last she figured it out. Husband was changing her, when she rolled on to her side and then decided to grab the edge of the changing table and used her upper body to pull herself over. The next day, I was out running some errands and she fell asleep in the car. I attempted to transition her from the infant seat to her crib. She woke up, but was quietly playing with her Wubanubb, which allowed me to put away the groceries, so I considered it a win. I went out to the garage to throw some milk in the chest freezer when I heard her start screaming. I ran into her room and found her faceplanted. Okay, now that we can check off this milestone, you don't ever have to do it again.

Health Issues: We made it four weeks into day care before she contracted her first cold. I was really trying not to make a big deal out of it, but Husband and my aunt convinced me to take her to the pediatrician. I felt validated when our pediatrician shared that he once thought his son merely had a cold, but when his wife took him to be evaluated, he was admitted with pneumonia. As to be expected, Husband and I both got sick as well. My mother commented that she and my father had some of their worst colds when I was little; you have to build up immunity to day care germs. She wasn't kidding. This cold knocked me on my ass. We had to keep her out of day care until she was afebrile for 24 hours, and since Husband had a day trip to Denver, I had to stay home with her. The concept of taking a sick day was blowing my mind. If I didn't have her, I would have pushed on and went to work.

Looking forward to: This is after the fact, but all week I was looking forward to date night on Saturday! Our day care provides baby sitting one night a month. 5:00-10:30 for $40. It's a steal compared to the rates of most local sitters. We decided to do the classic, dinner and a movie, so we could finally see the latest Bond film. We tried a new restaurant only to discover that the food wasn't great. Spectre was rather disappointing, and the Warriors lost. Still it was great to have some time just for ourselves. I'm looking forward to my parents visiting for Christmas. I know Jate won't be aware of what is going on, but it will be fun to see my parents with her. Okay, I also admit that I'm looking forward to having them watch her so I can go the the gym and to swimming. Oh, while I'm confessing, I'm also looking forward to having some home cooked meals by my parents. It's going to be like having a personal chef for two weeks! Just one more full week of work, then I'll have a four day week, a three day week and a two day week. Not that I'm counting down or anything...