I'm not Martha Stewart

What is a smash cake?" I asked a fellow blogger, feeling a little embarassed that I didn't know "Haha" she replied "It's a tiny individual cake that the baby gets to just smash into.  Bigger than a cupcake and usually decorated kind of elaborately." "It became a thing when cake companies realized new parents will pay for anything." she added. Well that was enough to trigger my inner skeptic, and start the idea that I would make my own cake for Kate's first birthday. Afterall, my mother made my first birthday cake from scratch.

Pausing for a moment. As I have been trying to replicate some of the things my parents did for me as a baby, I've also been coming to terms with the fact that I may have a romanticised view of my childhood. On cloth diapering, I thought my parents were so environmentally conscious. [My mother's response] Oh, we really didn't care too much about the environment, Cloth diapers were just much cheaper than dispoable diapers. On breastfeeding, we were living in an expersive city on one salary, we couldn't afford formula. On my first birthday cake, yeah, I made the cake from scratch because money was tight. Also we didn't really have a party for you. We let you play with the cake and that was it. 

"Plus, I wasn't working at the time" My mother reminded me as I told her about my idea to do Kate's cake. Well that was just challenge accepted! I'm a pretty competent baker, and if I were to do a regular cake, I probably could have managed that. However, I wanted to do cupcakes rather than a cake. Firstly, her nickname. They would be CupKates. Secondly, I prefer to serve cupcakes as you don't have to deal with the cutting process and people seem to be more willing to eat cupcakes, where they would turn down a regular piece of cake.Then I decided I wanted her birthday to have a Very Hungry Catapillar theme. I thought I was the first person ever to have this idea for about five minutes, until my mother googled "Hungry Caterpillar Birthday" and we discovered that nearly everyone does a TVHC birthday theme. I'm not sure why, but I began to feel more confident that I could pull this off, as I imagined it would 'merely' involve getting some cake mix, frosting and food colouring. I was already anticipating how great they were going to turn out and while I was fantasizing, of course there would be a little praise coming my way. Yes, guests would note how awesome I am; a working mom who makes kick ass cupcakes! [flips hair over shoulder]

Fortunately, I had the sense to do a dry run. I decided to have a go while my mother was visiting. As she wouldn't be there for Kate's one year mark, she could feel involved with the party. We worked together to mix the colours for the frosting. I had purchased some jelly beans for his eyes, a chocholate chip nose and some Hershey kisses for his feet. As we assembled the hungry caterpillar with our cupcakes, it wasn't coming anywhere near the image that I had in my mind.

"What do you honestly think?" I asked my mother. "Well" she paused. "They look like they were made with a lot of love.' [Translation] They look like crap. As my Dad worked in food service for many years, I asked if he thought they looked totally amatuer. He gave a play-it-safe response, "You don't seemed to be satisfied with the finished product." Why are you asking for my professional opinion when you already know the answer? I waited until Husband weighed in with this thoughts. I know I could rely on him for a completely unfiltered assessment. "Would you be embarrassed if we served these at Kate's first birthday party?" I asked. He replied that he really wouldn't care, his critique of my creation is that it just really didn't represent the Very Hungry Caterpillar. "It looks more like the anorexic caterpillar." he quipped.

Oh, how I wish he had just said, "Jane, these look like shit. You're not a baker, so don't try to pretend to be one. Suck it up and go to the bakery like a normal person." I would have saved so much time and energy, not to mention money. I purchased a mini-loaf pan, as well as some decorating tools, brushing off the irony that in my effort to avoid the scam of the smash cake, I would probably be paying about the same, if not, maybe even more. We went for take two. 

So, as you can see, Husband was right. The mini-loafs really were the right way to go, as I was able to do a better job capturing the shape of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. However, the frosting still wasn't working. I really would need to learn how to use the wedding cake style frosting that I saw in Michaels craft store, but fortunately had the sense not to buy. Suddenly, it also occured to me that I would need to spend the day before the party doing cleaning, last minutes chores and a lot of other food prep, so... what the fuck was I thinking? I didn't even bother attempting to finish, it was time to wave a white flag of plain vanilla icing on the remaining cakes. I was ready to admit defeat and started googling local bakeries. 

I could hear Kate start to stir, as I was sulking, cleaning up and eating the fruits of my labour (they were delicious by the way). It served as an important reminder. This is for Kate's birthday party. She needs to be the centre of attention. Not her cake and not her mother. 

Eleven Months

I am issuing an apology. To all parents with a crying baby on a flight. Prior to my own experience as a parent, I figured you were doing something wrong. I didn't understand why you couldn't calm your baby and I probably even blamed you for it. Oh, how very wrong was I. I learned this lesson the hard way. When I was that mother with the screaming, unconsolable baby. Our flight to Hawaii wasn't too bad. The take-off coordinated with her nap time and she slept for the first two hours of the flight. Husband and I were even able to watch The Big Short. We really lucked out and had an empty seat next to us, which was fortunate as I gave Kate a squeeze pouch for the first time and she squirted it all over that seat's tray table. (Rookie error; I should have had her practice before the flight). The flight home was a different story. She had spent eight days out of her usual routine and was overstimulate and overtired and didn't want to be confined to my lap for five hours. 

We tried everything we could. She wasn't interested in nursing. At one point, I think I had both breasts exposed to anyone walking down the aisles. "Do you want me to get your cover?" asked Husband. "No, I don't give a shit!" I snaped. That's not entrely true. In general, I'd prefer not to flash an entire airplane, but I was so exhausted at that moment as I desparately wanted the sleep she was refusing. Although I almost always use a cover in public, I found it really cumbersome in the small confined space of an airplane seat. She didn't want to eat any of the snacks I brought for her and wasn't interested in any of her books or toys. I put her in the carrier and walked up and down the aisles, which worked for a lap or two, then she started really wailing. I decided to go to the back of the plane and stationed myself in the galley. At one point, I went into the bathroom to get a tissue and I wanted to cry myself. Husband tried to calm her, but she kept reaching for me. Finally I handed her off claiming I needed a rest from her screaming in my ear. She finally crashed and fell asleep five minutes later. Of course, he looked like the hero.   

Stats: (approximate) 22 pounds 28 inches

Teeth: Still two on the bottom and is working on her top incisors

Sleep: She's been sleeping through the night since about 9 months. She may wake up once or twice, but she [usually] goes right back to sleep. However, when we went to Hawaii, she stayed on California time for much of the trip. This meant she was waking up at 2 AM [5 am Pacific time] bright eyed, bushy tailed and was ready to get on with her day. It was painful. We just took her back to our bed and took turns, one would sleep for half an hour while the other played with her and we collectively hoped she would fall back to sleep. She would fall back to sleep, which made me worry that we had opened the door to co-sleeping and I feared she would want to resume when we returned to the main land. Fortunately, she re-adjusted back to California time quite quickly and also went back to sleeping all night again. However, she went from waking at 6 AM to waking at 5 AM. It's not so much of a problem during the work week, as I find I can get some chores done, but it's brutal on the weekends. We tried putting her to bed a little later, but it doesn't matter, she still wakes up before sunrise. 

Eating: My parents have become friendly with their neighbours, a couple in their early 30s, who have a baby only a few weeks younger than Kate. My mother often shares updates on their daughter, and I'm sure anyone else could pass on the same information and I wouldn't have any reaction. Yet, because the words are coming from my mother's mouth, my immediate response is to intrepret it as a form of criticism and implication that either I or Kate are inadequate. Fortunately, I've been able to brush most of it off. "Jess, puts her baby down with a blanket" The AAP recommends no blankets until 2 years, but I guess if Jess does it; then it must be okay... "Charlotte is 6 months and already has 4 teeth!" Yeah, I'm not at all worried that Kate doesn't have any teeth yet... "Your Dad held Charlottle on his lap for almost 45 minutes last night" Well, Kate won't last sitting on your lap for 4 to 5 seconds, let alone 4 to 5 minues... "Jess reports that Charlottle [ten months old] can say 15 words...but we haven't heard any..." Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one... "Jess says Charlottle eats everything they eat... they just cut it up in small pieces for her."

Oh, that last one got to me. My pediatrician had suggested we try that at her 9 month visit. I hadn't really pursued it mostly because we were in such an efficient routine. Come home from work around 5:30, feed Kate her puree at 6, start to change her into her PJs by 6:30, nurse and have her asleep by 7. During this time, Husband would prepare our dinner, we could eat, clean up, pack lunch and bottles and be done by 8 PM. I had planned to do a little more food sharing while we were in Hawaii, but we ate eggs almost each morning and we grilled a lot of fish. Two things to avoid before the first year. When we returned, I made some turkey burgers (laced with kale and sweet potato) for our dinner, and I cooked a bit for her and served it without blending it in the Baby Bullet. Husband observed that the pieces were still too much for her. He would dip a bit in the baby crack applesause, and she would manage to suck off the applesause and spit out the lumps of turkey meat. She's still not ready to be a part of the "It's great! Baby eats what you eat!" crowd. I felt intense mom guilt for giving into the pressure to keep up with Jones. Even though it was also a recommendation from her doctor, I still need to remember that I'm the one who knows her best. 

Then we seemed to regress even further. While Husband was away, I started her dinner with some peas and carrots (from the frozen bag of vegtables). She threw all of them on the floor, I don't think anything made it into her mouth. "Fuck Baby Led Weaning!" I wanted to cry as I was litterly holding back tears while sweeping up the floor. I am now convinved that the key element of BLW is to have a dog who can clean this shit up. Tyler will sometimes play with a fallen Cheerio, which is not very helpful. My biggest worry as we transition into more solid foods is how much to feed? Even while exclusively breastfeeding, I never had the 'is she getting enough?' panic. My magic boobs knew just how much to give her. While we were in Hawaii, I decided that I couldn't be bothered trying to make her food while we were on vacation, so we purchased packaged baby food, and I noticed the portions were much bigger than what we had been giving her. Of note, she enjoyed the squeeze packets, but hated the Gerber meals. I can't decide if she just really appreciates her mother's cooking, or Gerber really is shit. I'm going to go with the latter. I don't know if I'm over feeding or underfeeding her with solids, but I feel that I can't rely on her to feed herself yet, and at least with spoon feeding her purees, at least I know how much is going in her mouth. 

We did make some progress. I had her try some grapes and blueberries. Blueberries are the new baby crack. She gobbles those up and my new trick is to dump the cut up blueberries on her remaining peas and carrots and she'll manage to shove it all in her mouth. My not so proud mothering moment: I was so tired of trying to deter her from eating dry cat food that I finally decided to let her try a piece of kibble. I figured she would find it to be disgusting and learn why we don't eat cat food. My plan backfired. She started chowing down on kitty food. Tyler looked pissed. I figure if I want her to stop eating cat food, I just need to put it on her tray. 

She has been doing well since she had to boycott the breast due to my antibiotic use. Earlier that week I took her to do a 5K Walk/Little bit of Running, and I needed to bring a bottle. I didn't want to use any of my frozen milk, as it's reserved for her Day Care. I had some single use formula samples that were about to expire, so I decided to give it a try. She sucked down the bottle without hesitation. Fortunately, we had some forumla on hand, so I've been alternating between using formula and frozen milk. The first morning of my antibiotic use, she seemed a bit fussy, but calmed down when I held her in my lap while she was drinking her bottle. Husband reckoned that she was content just to be leaning against the boob. So far, she hasn't started grabbing at my shirt. I've been pumping just to down regulate my supply. Pumping and dumping is just the most depressing thing ever. I now understand the saying 'crying over spiled milk', as I've shed tears watching my milk go down the drain. 

Likes: Pushing chairs. After I splured a bit with the slightly pricey baby walker (with wooden Zebras to compliment the jungle theme in her nursery -see picture in her Ten Month post) she decided she was ready for an upgrade and started pushing her high chair around the kitchen. Once she mastered manouvering the high chair, the next challenge was something without wheeles, and she moved on to pushing the two chairs at the breastfast table and the two bar stools that are in our kitchen. The bonus? I can work on meal prep and still keep track of her just by watching the tops of the chairs move around the kitchen's island. Our pediatrician had suggested moving all my plastic containers to a low drawer of cabinet that could be designated for her. Wow. This guy really knows his stuff. She has a basket of toys in the other room, but she loves it when I open the container drawer. That occupies a good 15-20 minutes during meal prep. She also loves hangers. I went through her closet to pull out clothes that were too small and I left a pile of hangers on the floor. She was so content playing with them, that I brought her with me when I cleaned out my closet and she loved playing with the hangers!

Dislikes: Anything that requires sitting still. Now really hates Baby Jail (the Pack and Play). We're only keeping it up for desparate times. While Husband was away over Memorial Day weekend, I stuck her in the PNP just so I could shower. She screamed so loud that I thought our neighbours would call Child Services. 

Milestones: Walking! She didn't take her first steps in Hawaii, but she did so over Memorial Day weekend. She would extend both arms forward to keep her balance, which makes her look like a little zombie, which is rather adorable. Now that she's walking, our next challenge is to keep her in shoes. She's been babbling a lot more, using more sounds and syllables, but not producing anything coherent or making any sense. She has uttered "Muma" and Dada" but I think it was more random sounds than addressing us as Muma or Dada. We're convinced her first proper word will be "Tyler" or "Kitty". She seems to br regressing with signing a little bit, using her go-to sign of 'milk' a lot less. She has done the sign for leaf, twice at random times,  and she did the sign for 'peas' while we were eating peas. I keep trying to work with her by doing the animal signs while we play with her stuffed animals and I sign while I read some books. Husband shared that maybe she thinks I'm just an idiot.

Clothes: Cleared all onesies and other items that are less than 9 months out of her dresser and closet. Started introducing the 12 month sized clothes. 

Diapering: In exciting diapering news, we are still using the small size diaper covers that are designated for 12-18 lbs as they still fit and the fit better under her clothes. 

Health Issues: She attempted to crawl from our bed onto Husband's nightstand and her hand fell down the side of the bed, causing her to face plant right onto the night stand. A nice shiner popped up immediately. I explained what happened when I dropped her off at Day Care and couldn't resist the 'yeah, but you should see the other guy...' line. Just as soon as I said that, another mom came in and explained that her daughter had a black eye...Whoops. 

Looking forward to: Her first birthday party. It's been fun putting the details together, and it reminds me how just one year ago I was putting the finishing touches on her nursery. I'm trying not to get too mushy over the fact that my baby is growing up so fast, but I'm reflecting on how amazing this year has been and how I can't wait for the years ahead.     

Close up of her black eye

Probably the best picture, but off centre 

Even when it's easy; breastfeeding can still be hard

So, remember how I detailed my strategery for weaning Kate off breastfeeding and I acknowledged how things seldom go according to plan? Well, no sooner than I wrote those words and published that post, I came down with a cold. We all did. Who knows if it a virus Kate brought from Day Care, or germs acquired on the flight to Hawaii, as it just seems too opportune to get sick on vacation. Kate got it first, but fortunately she was recovered in two days. Husband's version of the cold was actually a case of man-flu and it sent him to the pharmacy in search for some remedies. Just after one dose of pseudophedrine, he was enjoying those decongestant benefits. I started to pop a tablet for myself, but spit it out just in time and I remembered that it could dry up my breast milk. A few days later, I was still miserable. My throat was raw from coughing and postnasal drip, so I relented and took a few Halls. Sure enough, I was pumping a little less. I thought this might work with my plan for weaning.

I was feeling better by the time we flew back to the main land, but I still had a cough. A horrible deep hacking cough. I sounded like a 3 pack a day smoker. It was so embarrassing. Husband was away at a hockey tournament for Memorial Day weekend, so I was left alone to care for Kate. On Sunday, I feel absolutely exhausted by the time I put Kate to bed. After going through my usual ritual of being grateful that I only have one baby and being in awe of Moms of multiples, I began to wonder if there was something else going on. I took my temperature. It was 101.1. After feeling a bit validated, I asked one of my colleagues to prescribe me a Z pack. This is only the third time I've used azithromycin in twenty years, so I hardly think I'm contributing to the problem of antibiotic resistance.

I started the antibiotics and was afebrile that night. However the cough didn't go away and almost seemed to be getting worse. On my penultimate night of the Zpack, my temperature was elevated again and I began to feel the pains of sinus congestion. As I had a full day of work ahead of me, I realised I needed to bite the bullet and take some pseudophedrine. "I'm sorry Kate." I said as I swallowed the tablet. Throughout the day I kept reminding myself that this was when I wanted to stop breastfeeding. This is part of my plan. Why do I feel sad? Is there an automatic guilt reflex that accompanies the end of breastfeeding?

I wasn't feeling any better by the end of the day on Thrusday, so I made an appointment to see a Primary Care provider on Friday. She sent me two email messages. One informing me of something I suspected and one telling me something I already knew. I had pneumonia and she would be prescribing Levaquin. I would need to pump and dump my breastmilk for the next week. As I drove home, it occurred to me that this would be the opportunity to wrap it all up and be done with breastfeeding. It also meant that when I fed Kate that night, it could be my last time nursing. I felt overwhelmed with sadness.

I began to research whether or not I could breastfeed while taking Levaquin. I shifted through the usual yada-yada-yada, insufficient information, blah, blah, blah. Although one source suggested that peak levels dropped after 4-6 hours, so you could nurse after that interval. Then I reviewed the side effects of Levaquin. Although I don't have any risk factors, the possibility of tendon rupture makes me nervous. Just as I was acknowledging that I didn't want to possibly expose Kate to any of this; my pediatrician sent a response to my inquiring text "I'd prefer you didn't". One source I read advised women, "talk to your doctor about whether you should take Levaquin or continue to breastfeed." I didn't need to have that conversation. I had a fever of 103.1 and I had just hacked up half a lung. I needed to take care of myself by taking the meds that would require a cessation in breastfeeding.

"You can nurse again after you stop the Levaquin" Husband assured me. It just doesn't make sense. If we're able to wean her away from the boob, it just doesn't seem right to re-introduce if it will be for a short time. Initially I thought I would never want to breastfeed. Then I figured I would just give it a go. Maybe we'd make it a few months. I couldn't believe it when she latched well, and I had a good supply. No issues with cracked nipples or mastitis. I never thought the hardest thing about breastfeeding would be stopping.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Ten Months

When Kate was eight and a half months old, I started formulating ideas for her first birthday party. I felt a bit silly for preparing so early, but now here we are at ten months and I'm realising that I need to start putting these plans into motion. As yes, time is slipping through my fingers like sand in the hourglass. I remember when Kate was only a few months old, and I would rock her to sleep, while trying to savour the memory. Her scent, her long eyelashes, every soft little noice. I tried to soak it all in. Yet little did I know how awesome it would be to feel her little arms squeeze around my neck as she buries her head on my shoulder. Or when she crawls into my lap to snuggle. So when I feel glum that my baby is growing so quickly, I need to acknowledge that the best is yet to come.

In other related news, I re-aggrivated my back injury. I'm not sure how I did it, but the pain has been off and on for almost two weeks, so I think I need to schedule a session with the physical therapist at our gym. There were a few days where I needed a breakfast dose of Motrin and a Therma.care heat wrap just so I could make it through my work day. As my countdown to the big 4-0 is now approaching single digits, I really don't need any other prompt to feel old. At least I am very fortunate that I'll be spending my birthday in Hawaii, although I admit I'm trying to pretend that if it doesn't happen on the mainland, then it didn't really happen.  While I don't think my current Bjorn carrier was a contributing factor to my back pain, I decided to upgrade to a new Bjorn carrier that has a back support. It was a good excuse to treat myself to an early birthday present. Surprisingly, my back actually feels better when I'm wearing her in the new carrier, so maybe Kate will keep me feeling younger.

Nicknames: Button, CupKate, Kater Tot

Stats: Weight 20 lbs 1.2 ounces. Lenth 27.5 inches
She's starting to fill out a bit and no longer looks like such a pudge ball.

Teeth: We're been stuck on just two bottom teeth, but at press time, she seems to be cutting an upper tooth. Although it's not one of the centre front teeth, it's an incisor. She's our little vampire.

Feeding: Unfortunately for Kate, when your mom makes your own baby food, you don't get much variety. I tend to make large batches to freeze, so she ends up eating a lot of the same meals. The consistency has been helpful for her signing, as I'm really convinced that she knows the banana sign, even if she can't perform it. I do need to advance her self feeding, and I'm hoping to do so while we're on vacation. My currents aims regarding breastfeeding are: provide breastmilk until 1 year, stop nursing before she can request the breast, lift my shirt, or bite. She's been a bit bitey (props to anyone who knows that movie reference) on a few occasions, but so far only at the end of the feed. If she ever draws blood, the boobs get put away for good. I dropped a pumping session at work as my schedule has been packed and it was just too much to fit it in between patient appointments, and more often than not, I've only been pumping once at night. I  am going to miss nursing, but I'll be happy when I don't have to drag that pump around and when I can SSTTN.

I spend a lot of time planning my weaning stratagery, and spend even more time reminding myself that seldom does anything go according to plan. As we only nurse in the morning and before bed during my work days, my first step will be to bottlefeed during the day on Tuesday and on weekends. Then we'll have Husband give her a bottle before bed. The morning feed will be the last to go, and I think that may be harder on me than for her. As she's been waking up earlier, we've started bringing her back to our bed, where I'll nurse with her lying next to me and we'll both fall back asleep. I tried bringing her to bed and giving a bottle, but she figured out how to loosen the collar and dumped the milk all over our recently laundered sheets. I have the feeling this all may be a moot issue as I think my milk supply will dry up while going a Whole 30 challenge in June. In preparation for Whole 30, I started cutting things out gradually, so it won't be such a shock to my system. We got rid of Splenda when we heard the lastest report that it causes some kind of cancer. I cut out Coke Zero and replaced it with La Croix, which wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I don't eat much dairy, but I stopped buying cheese and switched to unsweetend Almond Milk. I've only been drinking alcohol on special occasions. The last things to give up will be grains and sweets. I stopped the baked goods for a few days and was just barely pumping 3 ounces. I'm ready to let it go. I have enough frozen milk to last 25 days and I have some cans of forumla that my aunt gave us. If we have to use some, it will  not be the end of the world. There is no trophy awarded for exclusive breastfeeding.

Sleep: Just around the nine month mark, she started sleeping through the night again. We refused to acknowledge this fact in the same way that no one says the words 'perfect game' when a pitcher has thrown out every batter that he or she has faced. However, she seems to waking up closer to 5 AM than her usual 6 AM. Sometimes, she'll fall back to sleep. Sometimes not.

Likes: To make a mess. I'm afraid we've hit the destructive phase. It started rather innocently. I've been using a pretty backing rack to store blankets and burp clothes. We came home from Day Care and as I was emptying her bag she started throwing the cloths on the floor. Hey, why not? I thought. It's keeping her busy and will be easy enough to clean up.

However... this lead to throwing all the cook books on the floor...

Okay, Kate. This means you take over meal planning..

As well as dumping out the cat's dry food, not once, not once, but a total of three times. She seems to be obsessed with cat food. I'm pretty sure she's eaten a few pieces of dry food. Myrtle and I ate some Milk.bones when we were young and we survived, so I'm not too worried. She's also put her hands in wet cat food a few times, which to be fair, it does look similiar to her purees. Tyler is not impressed. She also likes shoes. Not to wear of course, but for eating. 

Dislikes: The Baby Ka'tan carrier. You have to have a PhD in engineering to figure out how to put it on. It's tight on one side, loose on the other. It bunches and slips. She can get out of it easier than Houdini. Absolutely fucking hates that piece of shit. Oh wait, that's me... 

On a somewhat more serious note, she does not like to stay still. At all. Must.be.on.the.move.at.all.times. When we go to baby sign, she just wants to crawl around and explore, and to be fair, she is the most mobile of the babies in that class. However there are some walkers at baby yoga, but they go though 'tree pose' and 'Y pose" while Kate wants to crawl off on her own. I'm probably being paranoid, but I fear this will lead to a 'doesn't follow directions' comment on her pre-school report card. I'm also feeling a bit cautious as my cousin's son was allegedly diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Two years ago, I wrote a post detailing my concerns how I perceived that my cousin and her husband were turning a blind eye to their son's ovbious language delays. Last year, my cousin revealed that he was diagnosed with ADHD. I am skeptical of this diagnosis for a few reasons. 

During my medical training, I had the opportunity to ask a respected childhood behavioral expert his opinion on ADHD. "It's a real entity, which was once under-diagnosed and is now being over diagnosed." While he lacks the credentials, I often draw upon the words of my maternal grandfather regarding his opinion of ADHD, "In my day, there was no such thing as ADHD. If you didn't pay attention, the nuns hit you with a ruler." Not that I'm advocating using the treat of violence to cajole kids into cooperating with their lessons, but I have my own in my day experience. My 9th grade world civilization teacher commanded everyone's attention during his classes. You couldn't even slouch in your seat without being reprimanded, "Miss Allen! Please sit up straight." If you were caught passing notes or even day dreaming, you could be thrown out of class and that might go down on your PERMANENT RECORD! Of course I was in a class with other nerdy honour students. Maybe his tactics didn't work as well with some remedial students who didn't give a shit. 

Getting back to my nephew, I just don't feel that an ADHD label explains his language delays (and motor delays, as I recently learned that he didn't walk until 18 months old). I still suspect his is on the autism spectrum, and that my cousin and her husband are calling it ADHD in public. Whatever his true diagnosis, the good news is that he is finally receiving some supportive services. I think his parents finally got their wake up call when he was rejected for kindergarden last year. His birthday is at the end of August, so he's one of those kids on the fence, but he was in no way ready for kindergarden. He started working with an occupational therapist and attends a social skills class. He seems to be doing better and was recently approved to enter kindergarden this year. I just wonder how much was lost during the years his parents had their heads buried in the sand. Kate is probably just a normal energetic baby for her age, but I don't want to be oblivious as my cousin was. 

Milestones: I arrived to pick Kate up from Day Care, and surprisingly wasn't the last parents as there were two other babies present. One had taken his first steps that day. "Kate is next!" exclaimed one of my favourite attendants "She'll be our next walker! She's so close." Then my least favourite attendant spoke "Look at Lilly. She's only a few days older than Kate and she's already walking." Then, as if on cue, the tot walked a few steps on her own. Um, how about Fuck You? As they are both only ten months, they are both developmentally advanced, and please don't compare my daughter to others. (For those who follow me on Face.book, yes this is the woman who thought I was Kate's grandmother) Apparently, Kate did take a few independant steps at Day Care a few days later, and she's twice taken a few baby steps on her own with me, but we decided it doesn't count unless both mummy and daddy witness it. We're hoping that she does take her first offical steps in Hawaii, as it would be cool to report that location for such a milestone. 

Walking Training

Clothes: She's wearing 9 month clothes and I'm buying 12 month items. I did note that the snaps on a onesie seemed a bit tight and when I checked, sure enough it was a 6 month size, but still fit pretty well. 

Diapering: Still a nightmare. We often sing the strip teast song or The Hustle to try to entertain her. #SoInappropriate. Still so proud to be part time in cloth. We're still working on one of the disposable diaper boxes that I bought at the end of January.  

Looking forward to: Not having to do any more monthly photos! This past one was especially challenging as I was on my own, but between timing the light in her room and when she's not hungry or sleepy, it's a narrow window. She just wants to tear off the sticker and eat it. I tried my mom's trick of putting it on the chair; didn't work. I tried sneaking it in the photo, didn't turn out so well...I

I'm a bit bummed as we just finished our second six week series of baby sign, but I'm looking forward to our next activity of swim lessons! 

Tyler photo bombs her photos too!

My Worst Mommy Moments

A few weeks ago, an old friend sent me a text asking if motherhood was living up to my expectations. I had to think a bit before answering. As I wasn't sure if it would actually happen, I never really had an opportunity to build any expectations. I figured that it was supposed to be hard. Everyone says it's very hard. As much as it would piss me off when Myrtle would complain about motherhood, I did appreciate that she was painting a realistic picture of what it could be like. At times it even feels that infertile mothers aren't supposed to complain about parenting. After all, we paid a lot of money to go though many painful procedures just for the privilege. Yet, I can honestly say, that so far, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I won't go as far as to say that it is easy;  but manageable. I'm very fortunate to have a very healthy and rather good baby and I get a lot of help and support from my husband. Least, I create the impression that our life is all sea shells and balloons; here is a list of my worst mom moments.

The Puke Shower
I watched in horror as my friend Jill, the first in our circle to procreate, once caught baby sick in her hand. "Oh, we don't care anymore." her husband explained. "We don't even bother with burp clothes." Although I didn't wanted to have children at that time; I vowed that if I did I would always keep a cloth handy. Enter reality, getting puked on is part of parenting. I became apathetic. It's why I change into my 'mom uniform' of yoga pants and a long sleeve grey Gap shirt as soon as I get home. Yet there was something about the last puke of the day that would break me; and a few times brought me to tears. Looking back, I don't think it was as much about the puke as it was about the fact that it was getting close to Kate's bedtime and I was waiting for Husband to come home from his hockey game, so he could put her to bed and I could start preparing the crap food that would become our dinner. You know, because his life doesn't seem to have changed on the surface and he didn't have to spend all day along with a crying baby. Yeah, that probably was an influencing factor, but it still sucks to get drenched in puked. Recently, I left the house to go to the gym and I grabbed my favourite hoodie sweatshirt. As I was walking into the gym, I noticed a large stain of puke down the front. I kept in on and continued walking. It represented my 'Mom Badge of Honour'.

Hair Pulling
I think I'm finally past the shedding phase, but it would make me so mad when she was seeming trying to pull out whatever I had left. I've discovered first hand just how strong and tight her grip is, and I've contemplated bringing back the Sinade O'Connor from the 90s look. Equally as annoying, but not as painful: when she pulls my glasses of my face.

Impeccable Timing
In the first few weeks of her life, Kate seemed to have a sixth sense of when I was about to eat, and would wake up at that time. I think it's how I was able to lose weight so quickly in the immediate postpartum period. Once we had established a routine napping schedule, she figured she could have more fun at night by waiting until I've finally climbed into bed after a long day, and then erupting into a piercing cry. I would rather be woken up in the middle of the night. At least then I've had some sleep. This just felt like I was being teased.

Cat vs Baby
I wasn't sure how Tyler would take to Kate, but my intuition felt that he wouldn't be aggressive towards her. As I sometimes catch him sleeping outside her door, I wonder if he even feels a bit protective. Now that she's becoming more curious about him, I'm starting to feel more protective over him. I fear that she'll grab his big fluffy tail in the same way she grabs my hair. I also feel a bit of kitty mom guilt when I have to get up during the night to tend to her. If it's not hard enough to get out bed when you have a warm kitty snuggling beside you, but I feel badly that Tyler is losing out on his mummy time.

The Purple Nurple
While I lucked out with a late teether; there were a few occasions when she would squeeze her tight little fist over the other nipple while feeding. It was enough to want to pack it all in and declare that breastfeeding is over.

The Car Seat Strap
After pinning down my wiggle worm and attempting to strap her in, I'll discover that the strap has become twisted. If you have a Britax car set, I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about, although maybe other brands have this same problem. I'm not sure how it gets twisted, as it seems impossible to untwist it by folding the strap and moving the fastener over it. I am pretty sure it is because of this car seat that Kate will be correcting her teacher when she learns her ABCs in pre-school, "No. My mommy says it's fucking-A."

Diaper Wrestling Match
I would rather deal with a massive blow-out from a two month old with every diaper change, then wrestle down my nine month old just to change a wet nappy.

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall...
As she started to roll over, Husband and I cautioned each other that we would have to be very mindful about leaving her unattended, even for a second, on the bed or changing table. However, we also acknowledged that it would eventually happen. Sure enough, the fall occurred on my watch. I placed her on my bed so I could get a photo of a possible outfit to share with our photographer. I turned my back just to set the phone down, as I soon as I turned around, she was right at the end of the bed. I rushed over as fast as I could, but I didn't make it in time. She took a tumble of approximately three feet from our bed, and fortunately landed on her shoulder. A kiss and a cuddle latter, she was fine, but I can't stop replaying the image of her going off the side of the bed.

Day Care Over Time
When it's my turn to pick Kate up from Day Care; she's always the last baby to leave.

One Year Announcements
I have yet to send out my birth announcements. It was originally as goal to complete this task before the end of my maternity leave. I was going to use a very sweet photo that Husband snapped with his iphone, but as we were scheduling her professional photos, I learned that these images could be used with Tiny Prints. This would also help justify the high price we were paying for the professional photo sessions. We finally settled on our prints around Thanksgiving and I placed the order with Tiny Prints just after Christmas. The first chore was to go through and update our address book. Seven people moved, one died, lots of infertility blogger friends to add. Husband suggested doing about 10 per night, and I quickly banged out the ones intended for friends in England and sent them off to my in-laws to post. Then I seemingly lost motivation. The box of announcements just sat in my bedroom. I may even have thrown some clothes on top of it.

As she hit her nine month birthday, I began to wonder if there was any point to sending out announcements, I mean I think everyone knows we had a baby about now. Yet, I felt reminded that she's my one and only baby and I still needed to engage in this parenting ritual. Plus, it would just be a waste of money if I threw them away, so it made sense to spend more money so that the recipients could throw them away. Finally decided to get my act together. Discover we don't have enough 2 x 4 inch labels. I could have sworn I had an unopened package. Target doesn't carry the labels; make a special trip to Staples. Find that my original package of labels fell behind the printer. I have enough labels to get through the next three holiday seasons. Print out a few pages of return address labels and shut down my laptop. Discover that the pages fed incorrectly and the printing didn't align properly on the labels. F-u-u-u-c-k. Can't be bothered to fire up the Mac again. Alas the announcements have sat in their box for another two weeks... Meanwhile, I did buy some stamps...

Baby Snacks
As Kate seemed to enjoy them, I was curious to know how the kale and green apple teething waffers tasted. After sampling a small bite, I decided that they were rather good and I ate an entire packet.

Me and My Shadow
Husband was recently asked to umpire a hockey match on a Sunday. The coach was in a bind as a previously committed umpire had to cancel. I reminded him that is also umpiring all day on Saturday. I also added that I was hoping to get my hair cut on Sunday. Yet, it was an opportunity for Husband to help a friend in need and get paid $125 for one game (since it was last minute, the coach bumped up the payment). My split ends would have to wait. I have to be the default parent, it's just seems to be presumed that I'll always be available to take care of Kate. I'm still jealous of his freedom. He has an outlet; something that can give him a reprieve from parenting for an extended period of time. All I wanted was an hour to myself to get my hair cut. I know that being a parent means your needs are moved to the bottom of the list at times, and I feel that I'm making too big a deal out of this, but it shouldn't be a big deal. I hadn't had a hair cut in over six months, it required that my husband watch our baby for an hour. I didn't realise that I would be harder to schedule with him that I would be to book with my stylist.

As I was still stewing over this issue hours later, I realised that I was longing for something more than the feeling of running my fingers through clean hair. It was time to acknowledge that I feel like I'm losing a bit of my identity. Excluding work related meetings and lectures, I've only been able to pursue my own activity twice, as I've logged two solo 10 Ks. Yes, I love bringing her to the gym and love receiving the adulation from some of the elite athletes who are impressed that I can do over head squats (with PVC pipe) with Kate strapped in the Baby Bj.orn. Yet at the gym, or while on a run, I have to be a mother first. It's not quite the same. My present life represents everything I wanted so desperately for the past four years, maybe even longer. It has exceeded my expectations and yet I still miss aspects of my past life. I missed our recent swim meet. Although my coach asked me to swim on a relay team in her usual weekend before the championship desperation state, but I couldn't. I haven't been in a pool in over six months. The last time I swam was in the Autumn Short Course Meters event, where I stunned myself by pulling out a personal best in the 50 Free while my baby watched while being held by my coach. My plan was to return to swimming in the morning after I finished breastfeeding and would have more time to get myself ready for work, but I don't think I can wait. I resisted swimming at noon on my day off (presuming I could coordinate her nap during that time) as I knew that swimming just once a week wouldn't be enough to get back into competitive shape,  but once a week will have to do. I'm going to try to attend the 7 AM class on Tuesdays. For all the weekends that husband gets reprieve from parenting on a hockey field, he can watch her for an hour in the morning for me. It's not ideal, but it's a start.

Nine Months

As I've been progressing though adulthood for the past, oh say, 22 years, I've been forced to acknowledge that I share many traits and quirks with my mother. Yet, it wasn't until I became a mother that it finally resonated that I'm becoming my mother. Whenever I wore new clothes to school, my mother would always ask, "did anyone comment on your outfit?". She would seem disappointed when I replied that the answer was no. Apparently, Ms Myrtle would ask Myrtle the same question and she threatened to send Myrtle to school in some hideous outfit just to see if anyone would notice, so Myrtle wised up and just started making up comments. I had dressed Kate in an adorable raccoon sweater from Janie and Jack. The sweater was actually a gift to my cousin's first born from me. A family of raccoons made their home under our deck that year and we spent the summer exhausting ways to encourage them to relocate. My cousin gave the sweater back to me along with other clothes and baby items. Judging on it's perfect condition and knowing how messy her kids are; I'm guessing that it was never worn. "So, did any one comment on your sweater?" I asked Kate as I picked her up from Day Care. D'oh! There it was. My mothers words coming out of my mouth!

A slightly more interesting case in point: My maternal grandfather took a lot of pride in the family car. We're talking, washing it by hand on the driveway every Sunday kind of proud. We used to visit my grandparents between Christmas and New Year's and one year there was a big snow storm just before we left for Pennsylvania. Our car was caked with salt and dirt and looked pretty typical for any vechile during a Northeast winter. Apparently, my grandfather made a snide remark about the state of our car, as every year afterwards, we would stop to get our car washed when we were within 30 minutes of my grandparents house. Some years, when we would travel on Christmas day, and our usual car wash stop was closed, we would have to use a coin operated do-it-yourself facility. (Looking back, I have no idea how may parents found these places to wash your car without a smart phone!)

My mother finally quit smoking in her mid 50s. However, she let her parents believe she quit in her early 30s, a few years after I was born. As my grandparents didn't drink and didn't keep any alcohol in their house, my mother would joke that visit was here 3 days stint in the Betty Ford Clinic, as she couldn't drink or smoke. I have memories of being at that self service car wash on Christmas Day. My Dad and I unpacked all of our suitcases so we could vacuum the interior while my mother was 'supervising' as she savoured her final cigarettes before checking into rehab. I can only imagine all the cars that drove by wondering what the fuck was this family doing cleaning their car on Christmas day? 

Actually, I've been getting my car cleaned prior to my parents coming out for a visit ever since we moved out to California. We joke that it's become a bit of a family tradition. However, I had a greater sense of urgency with this past trip. The front of my car was a mess of crumbs from my secret stash of oatmeal raisin 'I need them to maintain my milk supply' cookies. Before easily getting talked into the most expensive wash option at the professional car wash, I took our air compressor and blasted the crumbs out of every small crack that I knew would be missed unless I opted for the super expensive detailing package. Then, I took a lint roller and did a final pass after the car came back from the cleaners. I was determined to hide my secret habit, just like my mother. 

Stats: Weight 19 lbs 1.4 oz  Length 27 inches

Her height has hit a plateau. Our paediatrician warned that after 6 month genetics would take effect on her growth rate. Sorry Kate both your parents are of average height for their respective genders.

Teeth: So, remember how in my Eight Month post I was convinced that she was never going to cut any teeth, but I would forever love my toothless bald baby? The night after that post, she (we) had a horrible night of sleep. She was waking every two hours and would take about an hour to put down. This was far worse than her newborn days. The next morning she decided to chew on, of all things, my thumb. Something sharp tried to piece my skin. There was no mistaking it. The slight emergence of a pearly white tooth. "Oh! You're not an asshole!" I cried with joy. Two weeks later another tooth joined the party and she is now sporting two bottom teeth. Her hair is finally starting to emerge. Within a week it seems to have sprouted as if someone slipped her Rogaine. So far it seems to be blond.

Feeding: Even before she cut any teeth, our pediatrician gave the us the green light to feed her Cheerios. Cheerios are awesome. We can put her in the highchair with a handful of O's on the tray and that will buy us about 10 minutes to wash bottles, start preparing dinner or even waste time if we wanted. My rookie error: forgetting to don a bib. Apparently, Cheerios stain. Rather badly, as I've ruined a few of her pajamas, which she has fortunately outgrown. We also started feeding her meat. Her first taste was some leftover cottage pie that I quickly pulsed in the Baby Bullet. It represented the first time she ate the same food as us, but as it was on leftover night, we weren't eating the same meal at the same time. I made up some batches of ground turkey and butternut squash, but they became more of an acquired taste. In order to get her to take a bite, I had to dip the spoon in applesauce. As I worked my way through the jar, I used less applesauce and saved the rest for her dessert. So far the only food she's really rejected has been parsnips. She doesn't appreciate the foods of her father's people. 

I'm not sure what finally worked, but my milk supply returned to normal and I was even able to wean off the Mother's Milk tea, Fenugreek, beer and cookies. Then my parents came to visit, and I tended to  bottle feed when we went out, which led to longer periods of time without expressing. I had a few nights where I overslept and missed a pumping session and I've been so busy at work that I can only manage pumping twice a day. This all led to a slight drop in my milk supply. It feels similar to how you can work out consistently for weeks, but then skip the gym for a few consecutive days and suddenly you feel so out of shape. The breasts are unforgiving. I'm so tempted to follow this lead and wrap up breastfeeding, but I'd fall short of the goal to make it to one year, even though my plan is to start weaning in about six weeks. During the day, Kate seems to be easily distracted and less interested in nursing, which makes me wonder if this is the time to cut her off? (My intention is to stop nursing before she can demand the breast) Yet, I'm not too keen on being an exclusive pumper, although I did master a new skill: Pumping while driving. I thought it was crazy when Nina first suggested it, but it is a good use of time. I just had to drive very carefully, for fear of getting into an accident; but if I did, my obituary would note what a dedicated breastfeeding mother I was.  

Sleep: After the horrible frequent waking on the teething night, she went back to waking just once a night. She was even pretty consistent about it. It would be at either 11:30 or 3:00, which coincidently, are around my pumping times. Once again, we accepted that waking once during the night wasn't so bad. I would feed her and we could both be back asleep in less than half an hour. The she slept through the night one weekend. We both knew not to get too excited about it, but for the past few weeks she been sleeping throughout more nights that she's been waking and needing to feed. She will sometimes wake once or twice a night, but usually falls back to sleep herself. We've been transitioning her naps from three to two, and it seems to be going well. Although I realised that I tend to take her out to do my errands, knowing that she will sleep in the car. I viewed it as a win-win, she gets her nap and I get shit done. Then I started to fear that I was using the car as a sleep crutch, so thanks to a few rainy days when I didn't want to go out anyway, we discovered that she can still go down for a nap in her crib. Phew! 

Milestones: Not really walking just yet. She still wants to stand all the time, and when she's in the Pack and Play, she'll do a 'Look Ma! No hands!' and stand on her own for a few seconds, before needing to grasp the sides or fall down. We got her a little plastic activity table, so she can practice cruising around it and one day she decided to push it like a walker and took a few steps. We joked that we should put some tennis balls on the feel of the table to help her practice. She learned to clap, which was followed by banging two objects together. Her language is still the same. Lots of babbles with some 'ba-ba' or 'da-da' thrown in. We may have had a break through with baby signing. While I was feeding her dinner, I noticed that she seemed to be making the sign for milk. I had Husband bring out a bottle to show her and we both repeated making the sign and saying 'Milk. Milk. Milk" Which sounded very similar to a classic scene from American Pie. She just seemed to giggle at us, but the next day when I went to get her out of her car seat, she was making the milk sign. I showed her a bottle and she repeated the sign. She greeted me with the milk sign on one other occasion and I began to wonder if she sees me as milk, hence relates me to the milk sign. Or maybe she was just randomly clenching her hand in a fist.... Yet while I was feeding her carrots, she did position her hand correctly for the carrot sign. We'll keep practicing. 

Likes and Dislikes: When I take she shopping, I'll wear her in the Baby Bj.orn and she'll hold on to the handle and will want to push the trolley. It's adorable, but to allow her to push, I have to scrunch down and it kills my back after a while. She loves climbing in the infant seat when it's sitting on the floor in her room, but if you go to put her in it when it's time to go out, she'll cry and fuss and try to squirm away, so it's another wrestling match to get her in the car seat. 

Clothing: Leading into her 9 month birthday, she was still able to wear most of her 6 month size clothes. As I've been delayed getting this post out, she is no longer fitting into the 6 month stuff, which means she either had a growth spurt, or my mother shrunk her clothes by washing them with hot water.

Diapering: In exciting diapering news, she moved into a size medium diaper cover. It's still such a challenge to change her, and for some reason I naively thought she would get over this wanting to crawl and climb everywhere thing and lie still for a diaper change. Our pediatrician suggested changing her on the floor, as it would be easier to pin her down and I think he fears she'll fall and break a bone. We tried. No luck holding her down and she peed on the carpet. Twice. Many years ago I had issues with our cats peeing in the house and I feared this could invite them to start again. No more changing on the floor. 

Health Issues: She had a bad cough spell earlier this week, where she was up for nearly and hour with a cough that wouldn't stop, but it seems to have cleared.

Looking forward to: I can't believe our trip to Hawaii is next month! I'm excited, but also overwhelmed by the planning and packing that needs to be done. I also have no idea what we are going to do. I received an email from the hotel concierge offering to help schedule some activities for us, and I asked if she had any suggestions for a family traveling with a 10 month old. She replied that most activities are not conducive to families with young children, with the exception of a luau, which seems to be enjoyed by all ages. She added "I can see you and your daughter relaxing out by the pool". She must not know that pool is the last place I would want to try to relax with my near mobile daughter, and their pool is merely an oversized bathtub... but anyway... we'll be in Hawaii... 

The Blooper Reel:

As she tried to pull off the sticker, we tried putting it on her back...

Place the sticker on the chair and use a toy to distract...no this isn't working either...

Now she's finally facing the camera, but we're looking at the lion's butt.

Sheesh! Will no one cooperate?

Do as I say; not as I do...

As breastfeeding was going so well, I thought I had won the debate on baby feeding. Nope. I had just passed Phase One. When Kate was almost three months old, I went for lunch with some other mothers in the New Parents Support Group. As their babies were a few months older, they had begun introducing solids through Baby Led Weaning. "What's Baby Led Weaning?" I asked in earnest. The two women exchanged looks. I'm sure it was acknowledging their surprise that I hadn't heard about Baby Lead Weaning, but also realising it was an opportunity to teach me. Almost talking over each other, they quickly ran through the philosophy and principles of this approach, and then tried to convince me that purees are passé and BLW is the BFD. "It's so great! Baby eats what you eat!" one woman kept repeating. That's where she lost me. Yeah...you see about that... I said to myself in my Bill Lumburgh voice. We eat like crap!

When we were getting ready to start Kate on solids, I realised it represented quite an opportunity. I could make sure the foods she eats in her first year, will be the healthiest choices of her entire life. I went to Whole Foods to purchase their pre-cut butternut squash. Husband tried to cook with a bag of organic peas, but I stopped him in time to point out that those were for Kate, we would be eating from the bag of basic Safe.way brand peas. I relished having total control over what she would be eating. I know I will eventually have to relinquish this control as she will become exposed to other foods outside of our home. She'll discover that candy is involved with almost every major holiday and she'll receive the obligatory cupcake with each classmate's birthday. Even just this past week, the instructor at her Baby Yoga class offered flavoured teething biscuits. "They're organic!" she assured her crunchy Bay Area audience. A mother next to me read the wrapper, "it contains organic sugar" she informed me. The purist in me wanted to refuse it, but I didn't want her to watch all the other babies snacking on their waffers, not that I know whether or not she'd get upset about it. "There are worse things..." I commented to the other mother as I decided to let Kate have the treat.

The thing is that I do want her to enjoy foods. I want her to discover that chocolate and peanut butter make an awesome combination. I want her to know that everything is better with bacon. I just want her to be at an age where she can make good choices. The trouble is that I'm nearly 40 years old and I still haven't learned those lessons. Although we have improved over time. When we moved into our house 6 years ago, we were spending our evenings working on remodeling and we ate take-out meals almost every night. I gained nearly 10 pounds during that time, it was a struggle to lose that weight. As I've mentioned previously, Husband is not very [at all] helpful with meal planning. Sometimes, I would ask him just to defrost a protein in the morning, figuring that we could create some kind of a meal when I came home from work, only to discover that he failed this task. It always amazed me they way he could be so oblivious about dinner. I suppose between his mother and myself, the magical dinner fairy has produced a plate in front of him. I pointed out that it was fine for him to ignore dinner with me, after all, I'm an adult who can fend for herself; but if we were to have a child, he would be legally responsible for feeding him or her!

Throughout the course of our (almost) 10 year marriage, we've gone through the 'what's for dinner' debate. I finally had to accept that I will never get assistance with meal planning, and if I leave him to do the shopping, he'll come home with many unhealthy options. I am fortunate in that he is a good and willing cook, so I'll continue to handle the other two tasks. Previously, we would do well for a few weeks, then encounter a week with many FUFFYs, (when one of use will not be home for dinner, it's Fuck yoU, Fend For Yourself) or we'll just get busy and planning will go out the window and we'll be left scrambling for dinner ideas each night. Now that Kate is here, I can't drop the ball on this. As she will eventually be eating what we are eating, it's my responsibility to make sure we have a plan for dinner each night, and I'm also taking ownership to make sure it's a healthy and nutritious meal, and not processed crap.

I often quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "you cannot ask that of others, that which you are not willing to do yourself". If I want Kate to eat healthful foods and to develop good habits, then I have to model good behaviour. During the month of June, I'm going to do a Whole 30 Challenge. No sugar. No grains. No dairy. No legumes. No alcohol. It's my version of Cry It Out. I know I won't always be able to maintain clean eating and I know I won't always be able to control Kate's food, but I'm going to do the best that I can, for as long as I can.

The other behaviour that we have to modify in order to set a good example for Kate is with watching TV. Our pediatrician is very adamant about not exposing her to any screen time before the age of 2 years. As we were reading about the purpose of white noise to help infants' sleep, I recognised we seem to use TV for the same purpose. We'll turn on the television to syndicated episodes of The Big Bang Theory or Modern Family really just to have something background sound. So we've moved to using Pandora in the kitchen while we're making dinner or feeding Kate. Husband was also motivated to reduce our monthly bills, so he dropped our cable provider and switched us to a Roku. There are fewer channel options, but still gives us access to some basic cable channels and we spend a little extra for HBO. We only watch TV in our bedroom after putting Kate down for the night, but we'll rarely stay awake long enough for an hour long programme.

I question how long we'll maintain this strategy. My mother described that when I was a toddler, her one hour of sanity per day occurred while I was watching Sesame Street. I actually feel that The Street really helped shaped my upbringing. I learned to count, was introduced to Spanish words and other aspect of cultural diversity, as well as other valuable life lessons, such as Mr Hooper's death and Gordon and Susan adopting a baby named Miles. Furthermore, I cannot deny that television media is an important aspect of our social experience. The Nurse who led our New Parents Group described that she didn't let her children watch TV and her son felt left out while playing with his friends as he didn't know what The Power Rangers were. I made some friends in my college dorm while gathering in the common room to watch Friends each week. During most of the 90s, you could break the ice or evade an awkward pause in a conversation with a Seinfeld reference. I do want her to experience the positive benefits of TV.

Yet how to strike a balance? While I was growing up my TV time was limited and I could not watch television if it was a nice sunny day outside. My mother would literally shut off the TV and throw me out the door to go play in the back yard. If it were raining outside, I always knew that it meant I could watch cartoons, but my mother would give me something else to do while the TV was on in the background. I had to play with Legos, color or if she happened to be sewing, I would make clothes for my stuffed animals and dolls using her material scraps. My parents had a friend who used an interesting strategy with his boys. They had to earn an hour of watching TV or playing video games by reading for an hour. His hope was that they would become so engaged in the books that they would prefer reading to TV, or at least if would reduce the number of hours of TV time. It worked for the younger son, as he became a voracious reader. It was a struggle for the older son, as he had learning disabilities (probably dyslexia). I think I'll adopt a similar strategy, but may include other non-TV activities such as playing with Legos or art projects to start at an early age.

The final behaviour we need to modify is our use of iphones and the ipad (although as I am tying, Kate is sitting beside me eating Cheerios in her high chair). A few months ago, Husband was googling early signs of autism (you know, as you do...) and found a video from the Kenndey Kreiger Institute. In one particular clip a boy on the ASD spectrum was playing with an old mobile flip phone. The voice over described "the child shows an intense interest in his phone and does not share his enjoyment of the phone with others." Um, I don't know if that is unique to autism, as it seems to describe just about any adult with a smart phone, (including myself). I realise that the phone was just the toy used for the demonstration as this boy did exhibit other ASD features, yet it did give me pause to think about the impact of smart phone use.

I saw (on Facebook) a great Meme that captures the dilemma of this aspect of modern technology. "Cell phones keep you close to people far away, but it takes you away from the ones right next to you". This was also brilliantly captured by photographer Eric Pickersgill, in is Removed series. It thinks there is something poignant that many cafes are actually promoting 'No wi-fi service here. You'll have to talk to each other.' Especially when Husband and I are together, I'm trying to avoid using the phone in front of her, so she'll see that people do actually take to each other. Sometimes about things other than what they see on their phones. Yet perhaps the biggest execption with the iphone is when we enage in Facetime with her grandparents. BTW, does that count as screen time? I know how much it means to my parents and my in-laws to be able to see a live shot, so we'll continue our weekly calls and just hope it's not causing any lasting damage.

I need a better editor.