Monday 28 January 2013

Staying in the Closet

The greatest challenge about going home to visit my parents will be how to navigate any conversation that addresses the issue of procreation. My parents are under the impression that we (namely me) are not interested in having children. That we're too career driven, too engaged to the freedoms of a child free life and resistant to the sweet charms of a young one. When we started TTC, and when I thought fertility was mine to command, I wanted to keep them in the dark so that we can unveil one of the biggest surprises in their lives.  Admittedly, it is a bit petulant on my part, but as almost nothing in this procreative pursuit has gone according to my intended plans, I want to hold on to this aspect. Perhaps it is the only detail in my control. There are a lot of other pragmatic reasons for keeping my parents out of the loop; My mother doesn't always display the most tact and I can envision her blurting out something like, 'Well, you shouldn't have waited so long!'. More importantly, I don't want to endure her asking any inappropriate questions. Myrtle was practically still smoking the post coital cigarette from her honeymoon when she announced her pregnancy, and yet my mother asked  "Did Myrtle have to do anything to get pregnant?" Yes, she had S-E-X, I explained to her, referencing the birds-and-the-bees conversation we never had when I was younger. My own infertility panic hadn't set in at that time, but I did take note to her line of thinking; woman at the age of 36 is pregnant -must have had help. I know my parents have been dealing with their own feelings of jealousy following the arrival of little Myrtle, and I don't want to coat those feelings with added disappointment from an infertility diagnosis. I'd rather let my parents believe that their future grandchild is being denied by my stubborn attitude rather than our biological limitations. Most importantly, I don't want to invite any additional pressure on ourselves. I don't want my parents to wonder if we are delivering news any time we phone. I don't want them to follow the disappointment of failed cycles. I know they would likely offer financial assistance, which would be very generous of them, and not to seem ungrateful (especially if we need to accept their hypothetical offer someday) but it would add another layer of awkwardness. Maybe there will be a day when I share this experience with them, but for now, I need to keep this fascet of our life to ourselves. I think we were offered a pass with a comment from a family friend. Earlier this year, she was recounting that her newly married 38 year old younger sister announced to their mother that she and her husband were trying to conceive. "Idiot!" the friend expressed, "You don't tell the parents that you're trying for a baby -that's asking to have problems!" Husband and I just looked at each other, acknowledging that you don't need to disclose your intentions to have problems, but we were relieved for my parents to hear that it can be customary not to inform the parents.

10 comments:

  1. I'm terrible at keeping surprises, even when I really want to! Secrets I can keep, but my husband usually knows what I got him for Christmas well in advance.

    It definitely makes things harder when your loved ones are so involved in your roller coaster ride of infertility. I often feel like I can't post anything negative on my blog because I don't want my family to worry about me. Whenever I do post anything less than optimistic and positive, I inevitably get a worried email from my Mom.

    I admire your ability to keep your TTC journey private

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  2. Thanks for sharing this part of your experience. It sounds like you guys have made the right choice for you. And nice that your mom gave you a pass! Its never a guarentee how people are going to handle the news of IF, or who is going to say the wrong thing, but I still think its important to share only with people who you believe will atleast try to say the right thing!

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  3. I kept my secret for awhile; like you, wanting to blow my family and friends out of the water with my pregnancy. Luckily, my husband and I were in school and the school excuse always did the trick to answer the dreaded, "When are you two going to have kids?" But as school was drawing to a close, we knew we had to come up with a new excuse. My mom, while a little overbearing sometimes, was very supportive, as well as the close family and friends. But there were others who I knew shouldn't know because they would say something hurtful. So I agree with nogoodeggs, it is important to remember the ones who will support you, and if it isn't a good idea to share with your parents, then protect your heart.

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  4. My mom has been nagging me for a grandchild since I graduated from college. She knows I wanted kids eventually. I never specifically told her we were TTC, but after I was married a couple years and I still wasn't pregnant and she still kept nagging I finally I had to ask her if maybe it had occurred to her that it wasn't going so well. Then she was afraid to ask me anything about it so she would ask my husband when I was out of the room. It's all been very awkward. I do get the impression that every time I call or see her she is hoping for or expecting some news and I hate that pressure. She wants to be supportive but she has no idea what to do. I sometimes think it would be easier if she didn't know.

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  5. My family knew that we had done some fertility treatments after my miscarriage but when we made the decision to do ivf we told them that we were taking a break and them it was pretty cool when we told them we were expecting twins at 10 weeks. It definitely helped keep the pressure off during our ivf cycle.

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  6. We held off telling ANYONE that we were TTC for a long time. The first people we told were friends of ours that brought up the fact that they had been trying for a while and it wasn't working (they ended up getting pregnant naturally a few months later with twins).

    I didn't say anything to my mom for a long time...basically until I had my surgery. But my parents are good- they don't pressure us into telling them what is going on.

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  7. Yeah, we were secretive for a long time, and I really REALLY wanted to have that big surprise announcement to see the look of shock and happiness on my parents' faces. But that, of course, didn't happen, and I ended up needing my mom (a doctor) to get me a referral to my RE, so she was kind of involved from the beginning. I also felt that if we ever got to IVF, that was officially "time to tell" people because of the intense physical and emotional toll it takes. Still, it's SUCH a personal decision, and if you know your mom would respond in a less than ideal manner, better to hold off. :)

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  8. We kept it a secret for a bit but then ended up telling M's parents that we were trying and having IF problems because I stopped accepting their offers of wine and we didn't want them to think we were pregnant, only to be disappointed. I've gone back on booze since then and we don't get a lot of pressure from his or my folks. I kept this most recent IVF cycle secret until we heard we had the frozen embryo so I finally had some (kinda) good news to pass on.

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  9. Thank goodness for that family friend! I was fortunate not to have fertility issues, but I was shocked at how blatantly people would harass us about when we were going to have kids (we waited 5 years after we got married). I distinctly remember thinking how hurtful these questions would be if we ended up having trouble.

    It's good that you've been able to think your approach to this with your family so clearly. Hopefully the visit goes well.

    Visiting from ICLW.

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  10. Thank you all for sharing your perspectives and experiences. I'm happy to know I'm not the only one wanting the element of surprise!

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