I feel fortunate that some of our IRL friends maintain a respectful distance with regard to our infertility treatments. They check in to ask how we're doing, but don't ask for specific details. They figure we'll announce when we have news to tell. Recently, we went out to dinner with our child free by choice friends H+B and I gave them an update about our FET. She responded by saying, "We're really hoping that this works for you guys, but if it doesn't; life is still really good on our side..."
I really appreciated her honesty, and I was thankful for her willingness to address the reality that this may not work. It was also an encouraging reminder that we will be okay. Most of all, I preferred her words to the alternative; it will happen!
It will happen. Another cringe inducing phrase for infertiles. I once had someone tell me that it's not just a fluffy sentiment, friends really mean that it will happen. I do appreciate their underlying intention. What they actually mean is 'I WISH it will happen,' or 'I WANT this to happen for you'. No, they do not truly know if it will happen or not. Seriously, if anyone has the ability to see into the future, he or she may want to check out some winning Powerball numbers, rather than my uterus.
The other annoyance of the 'it will happen' platitude is that it can be dismissive, which is a bit insensitive. A fellow blogger once described that others figure if they tell us what we want to hear, we'll shut up and stop talking about this infertility stuff that makes them feel uncomfortable. It's not really what we want to hear at all. Such a statement is akin to the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand. It fosters a denial of reality, which is not necessarily helpful. The echos of such words only invoke more pain if it doesn't happen. If you go out on the limb with such a promise, there is a steep fall when the bough breaks.
I can't stand that statement, and hear it all the time. The little bit my family knows about our lack of children, has always resulted in "It will happen when it's meant to happen" or "Just relax and it will happen" or "It will happen, don't worry"... Thanks for the helpful advice. It's the assumption that A) I'm overreacting. Being infertile is a piece of cake! B) Everyone ends up with a baby. Not true...so not true. C) There's something I'm not doing (relaxing) that will magically make a baby appear.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you say here completely - nobody has the knowledge to know what will or won't happen, and if it doesn't happen it's not like they are accountable for their statement. The other side of this fatalism is assuming that bad things will happen, which is just as awful in its way.
ReplyDeletesounds like those are some very good friends to surround yourself with at this time!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I hate this too, as I always feel compelled to tell them "well no, it won't necessarily" and then I get yelled at for not being optimistic. As if my uterus or ovaries give a shit. I think you're totally right and people just say it to shut us up so they can move on to a topic they're more comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI like the response your friend gave. I hate "it will happen" too. I understand that optimism can be helpful, but I've never been one to ignore the possible negative outcomes. There's a big difference between saying you hope something happens for someone and you KNOW it will.
ReplyDeletep.s. I do hope this happens for you :)
Strangely, the people most guilty of saying this to us all the time were SH's brother and his wife. These are two people who dealt with infertility and have 2 children as a result of IVF. They were somehow the most clueless of how to be supportive. I'm sure they thought they should be positive, but I needed to be realistic. They would also tell us stories about how their neighbors had 5 failed IVF's then got pregnant on their own. Again, not helpful.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great response from your friend. I love that! So many people have said to us, "when you're ready, it will happen!" How obnoxious. Like, we've been trying this whole time, but when we're really "ready," the universe will send us a baby. No. That's not how it works.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate what your friend said. How nice to have a friend with that perspective and support!
ReplyDeleteI too don't really care to hear it will happen. It clearly isn't and what good does it do to say that?
What you said in this post is so true!
I like your friend's answer. They seem good and grounded support people.
ReplyDeleteTo some extent this reminds me of Aramis' recent post on perspective though - if I like to think "it will happen", that may include some amount of denial, but if it helps me feel better, I think that's fine. However, if others make this comment - whether they've never been there or they got lucky - it just stings.
I totally agree. When people say that I just want to scream, "YOU DON'T EFFING KNOW THAT!!!"
ReplyDelete"It will happen" is right up there with "why don't you just adopt?" in my opinion. Totally agree with you!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Aubrey. It's right up there with "Just adopt!" Or, my personal favorite, "Relax." I don't mind "It will happen" from certain friends. It all depends on their intention. Sometimes, I feel the need to just believe. But, on the whole, I too find it very dismissive.
ReplyDeleteThat sentiment always bothered me too! Ugh. I hated it when people would say that to me. Ummm, no, it actually might not. Let's be realistic. I love what your friends said to you. Sounds like they are supportive either way.
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