Life: On Hold

Myopia is another consequence of infertility. In this context, it is defined as the inability to see clearly beyond the next menstrual cycle. Often I'll receive a flyer for a medical education conference in a nice destination, or an out of state friend will suggest getting together some time in the near future. My mind immediately starts processing how far along I would be if I were to become pregnant, or what I would be doing if I were in a treatment cycle. I know I shouldn't be so preoccupied with such hypotheticals. I know I should just say 'oh, fuck it!' I have to live my life after all.

Unfortunately, it feels like we've been penalised so many times for trying to have a life outside of procreation. There have been four occasions when I've ovulated when one of us was away. It's most likely that it would not have made a difference, but we did have one spontaneous conception, so I think it's fair enough to claim that you never know. I travelled over Memorial Day weekend last year (as I was under the impression that my RE's office would be closed, but in fact they were open) and a compromised monitoring schedule missed my follicle's peak maturity. We delayed starting IVF due to our Hawaii holiday with the in-laws. I'm already fretting about the possibility of my trip to Memphis for the Women's Final Four conflicting with a fresh stimming cycle. At least for the time being, I feel I need to ground myself.

I have reached a new phase of planning a consolation event in anticipation of disappointing news. Actually it was Husband who initiated the idea. Last summer he suggested we take a cooking class together, as it's something we've wanted to do for a while. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any classes that were convenient to our schedules. Instead, we decided to join a Cross-fit gym as a treat to ourselves while we were benched for a month. If our transfer doesn't work, I've been contemplating seeking solace with some traditional approaches such as a spa treatment and/or getting intoxicated while dancing with H at our favourite gay bar... However, as I have been playing more tennis recently, I thought about returning to competitive play by entering a Spring flex league if this attempt yields a BFN.

Then, as if the Universe were reading my mind, I received an email from the captain of a local USTA team inviting me to play in the upcoming season. It was completely out of the blue, I haven't seen or spoken to this woman in over three years. Potential pregnancy concerns aside, I had some hesitation as I find the politics associated with USTA leagues to be rather irritating, but it is much more convenient than the individual flex leagues, where you have to contact all your opponents and schedule your own matches. At least with a USTA league match, all I have to do is show up and play.  Yet, that may not be so easy if this transfer actually works. What if I have hyperemesis with this pregnancy? What if I have a subchorionic hemorrhage and need to restrict activities? How do I respond, 'when do you need an answer? I may or may not be getting pregnant.'

It is much different when it is a team situation. I had planned to keep running races and competing in swim meets if I became pregnant, I would just adjust my pace. During our few months of TTC au natural, I was asked to do the swimming leg for a triathlon relay. I wheeled out the dates, if we were to conceive on either the next two cycles, I could have been either 9 or 13 weeks at the time of the event. I had to decline; I knew what time they would be expecting from me and I would feel badly if I couldn't achieve it. It's one thing to be competing for yourself, but another to know that others are relying on you.  I ended up cheering for my teammates from the sidelines, as someone else swam a slower time than I could do. Alas, I may be declining this invitation, I just hope I don't run into her during a flex league match...