Tuesday 28 October 2014

Serving To Stay In The Match

The tenth month in the calendar year has represented several anniversaries. Husband and I met in the month of October and we moved to the States in October. In October 2011, I removed my IUD so we could start trying to conceive, but I made Husband use condoms, least we be one of those couples who score on the first attempt. A year later, we fell asleep early and missed having sex on the night of my positive OPK. I thought we were the most pathetic TTC couple in the world. Ha! Little did I know we were still amatures at that time. Last October I started my first IVF cycle and here were are at the end of October in 2014, preparing for our fifth transfer.

As we arrived at XYZ Fertility Centre, the staff went through the familiar instructions for us. Husband and I both pointed out, not only is this not our first time at the rodeo, we're five-timers! I do realise this is not exactly something of which to be proud. However, I am proud of my pelvic floor muscles, as they came through for me and my mega full bladder. Dr STIUTK felt the transfer could not have been smoother. Sigh of relief. We spent some time talking with the embryologist about our embryo quality. As four of my embryos were frozen on day 6, I wondered if they were inferior in any way. I was prepared to hear the embryologist (donned in her Hello Kitty scrub cap) explain that while chromosomally normal, as my embies are formed from a 38 year old and a partner with male factor, they actually suck.

Well, apparently they are all grade 1, which is they highest grade assigned at XYZ. When they have CCS tested embryos, they rank them by the confidence report of the chromosomal analysis. Although both she and my RE disputed that the day 6 embies could be of poorer quality, the first two chosen for transfer, were the ones frozen on day 5. Interesting. She also described that the process of performing the biopsy acts as a form of assisted hatching. Finally, the the embryo thawed well and the expansion was "awesome". Fuck. I forgot to ask my RE to take the report with him. I made that request last time as I didn't want to add to my photo collection of unfulfilled blasts. He had already left by the time I made the discovery. Now this transfer has to work as I have the picture.

Meanwhile, while I was resting, Husband received a text from Barney. He acknowledged that he felt badly about sharing their news as he knows of our struggles, and he asked how we were doing. He also confirmed our suspicion; they were a one hit wonder. Barney thought it would take about six months and was hoping to enjoy a lot of 'practice'. Instead, he notes he'll be doing a lot of self-practice from now on. Barney may come across as a crass lad, but he is genuinely a caring friend. Husband brought him up to speed. Just transferred a Grade 1 euploid embryo. "Wow." replied Barney. "I just googled what that is. It sounds like you can't get much better than that."

This is exactly what I would want to hear. Well besides hearing the words, 'your beta is positive and you are pregnant.' I've been asking myself would I rather hear the embryologist (in her French accent) explain, 'Your embryos are shit. There's not a chance in hell that you'll become pregnant' just so I'd have an explanation if it doesn't work? Obviously not. It's just that I've heard all the favourable reports before and they no longer mean anything to me. Why should I go out on a limb and let myself beleive that this transfer could be any different? Yes, we made a few modifications to this time, but they were emperic. They may or may not have any effect. We've gone though some many rounds of treatments with the thought that this could be the one! It feels so daft to think that way anymore.

This line of thinking led me to confront another question. If I don't actually believe that this may work, why am I continuing to transfer my embies? I have to admit that after our last BFN, the temptation to just walk away from it all was enticing. If we're going to eventually be defeated by infertility, why not lose on our terms, our command. Yet how much time would pass before regretting that decision? Would the spector of our remaining embies always haunt me whenever I saw children and would think about what could have been? C'mon Jane, you're allegedly a rational person. Somewhere inside that pessimistic skeptical being is a shred of hope. If you really didn't have any faith, you wouldn't got through these procedures.

Yet at the same time, it also seems prudent to ask how many times can we torture ourselves with this process? How many times can we welcome that faint ray of hope, only to have it extinguished so quickly? The smart alec in me has the answer. We're just serving to stay in the match. Down a set and a break, and our opponent is dominating her serve. Defeat feels inevitable. In fact, we haven't even managed a point [of an HCG] during her last three service games. We're just trying to hold our own serve to prolong the game. Maybe make the final score look better to reflect our efforts. Sometimes it's just the message that holding sends. You may be en route to victory, but I'm not going down without a fight. You want this win? I'm not going to give it to you. You'll have to earn it on your racquet. So we hold. Pause for a few minutes as we change sides. Await for our opponent to deliver her first serve. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get our break.

23 comments:

  1. I'm glad the transfer went well and that you have some good embies to work with! I hope this is your last transfer!

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  2. I'm cheering you on from the bleachers! Hoping 5 is your lucky number. XO

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  3. Oh please Lord let this be it. You have fought so hard. FIVE transferS? A perfect embryo? I know you've heard it but I follow 2 people who literally transferred their "last" embryos and it finally worked-just before they quit. I like to believe/hope that your desire to not quit is for a strong reason-you are supposed to be a mom. <3 The wait sucks but I cannot wait to hear your results!!

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  4. I wish I knew more about tennis so that I could whip out some kind of amazing comeback story to refute your argument. Alas, I do not, so I'll just have to say that everyone loves an underdog. Grade 1 embryos are nothing to sneeze at. You don't have to be hopeful, we'll do that for you.

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    1. This FET is the Connors-Krickstein match from the 1991 US Open!

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  5. I've heard that day sixers tend to be female. I hope you get to find out for yourself!

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  6. Really, really hoping that the fifth time is the charm. It sounds like things could not have gone smoother. Please let this finally work out for you guys!

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  7. Crossing every single arm, leg, and digit on my body that this works! Take it easy while you wait!

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  8. So so hoping this is successful! Cheering for you!!

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  9. I hear you, sometimes it all just seems like an exercise in futility. Even with my DE cycle, where we've removed all the crappy variables, I still can't visualize success. But it happens, and I'm hope ever so much that it happens for you this time. Great news about the blast quality, that's at least a good way to start.

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  10. Im so hoping that this one is 'the one'!!!! Fingers croased for you!!!

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  11. EVERYTHING crossed for you, friend. <3

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  12. Thinking about you every day! You have a lot to feel hopeful about although I know how difficult that can be after all the failures. I really do think this is it for you and I can't wait to hear your good news. XOXO

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  13. "If we're going to eventually be defeated by infertility, why not lose on our terms, our command."--- I really get this, and I NEVER thought I would. Once we started the adoption process, I felt something I didn't think I ever would. I felt like I could walk away from fertility treatments. I'm not suggesting adoption to you at all, just saying I get where you're coming from. I don't want to spend the next 10-15 years fighting a losing battle. But like you said, the lingering hope and the chance of regret may push us back at some point.

    Regardless, I'm hoping that this is it for you and that you can finally obliterate infertility! Thinking of you!

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  14. I couldn't quite determine if you transferred 1 or 2. Husband's text to Barney stated 1, but you wrote that the first 2 to be defrosted for transfer...etc. Just curious because you've written about this in multiple posts. Besides that, fingers-crossed! I am cheering you on! You have to be in it to win it, right?

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    1. It was one, the other thawed day 5 was from our August transfer

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  15. You have a huge cheering section, Jane! I will be glued to your blog for the next two weeks waiting to find out how this went. Hoping for the best for you!

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  16. I hope and demand from the universe that this be your break! Sending all the hope and positive energy that I have for that embryo to dig in and stay for a very, very long while!

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  17. I'm really routing for you Jane! So glad you got grade one embryos. Its definitely a hard call to say when enough is enough....I hope you dont have to think about that any more though!!!

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  18. Oh Jane, I really hope this is it! I remember your first IVF cycle last October very well and can't believe it's been a year. Thinking of you, friend. I'll be anxiously awaiting your update.

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  19. I really hope this is it Jane! Thinking of you!

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  20. I really really am praying that this is the one for you!!

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  21. I'm so far behind on my blog reading, I didn't realize you'd done your transfer already! Now I need to catch up on my reading so I can find out how it's been going! Is it too soon to know the outcome??? Ahhhh!!!!

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