Recently, I was looking through FertileBook, (I mean Facebook) and found a not so subtle post from one of my friends back in England. "This time tomorrow...the start of a whole new world...eeks!" Mrs Robinson was a year behind me. A few years ago, after a devastating break-up, she started dating a man nearly ten years her junior "just for fun". He was truly lovely, and after enduring many cougar jokes, she eventually declared her love for him. Toward the end of last year, she became the last of our University friends to tie the knot. Fucking A, it must have been a honeymoon conception... I thought to myself as I mentally did the maths in my head. As I went to leave my comment of congratulations, I noted that some others were confused by her announcement. "Why?" "What's happening?" others asked.
Intrigued, I started looking through her previous posts. A few days earlier she reported that her last day of work was coming soon. She answered someone's inquiry by explaining that she was pregnant with identical twin girls and she had just passed 33 weeks. Suddnely, it all made sense. She had monochorionic, monoamniotic twins. This is the most high risk situation for a twin pregnancy, as not only are the twins sharing the same placenta, there is a high potential for cord entanglement. There is a 20% mortality rate.
I searched her page. She's a fairly frequent poster, but until this week there was no mention of her pregnancy (nothing on her husband's page as well). No one had tagged her in any pictures at a baby shower. I wondered if she even had a baby shower. How did they go through this pregnancy knowing that they could lose one or both babies? I was impressed that she worked up until her delivery date, but neither bed rest, nor hospitalisation with frequent survaliance offer any survival benefits. The hope is just to make it until 32-34 weeks and deliver via Caesarean section. No all natural birth plan for her. Then they place the infants in the care of the Newborn ICU and prepare for the challenges associated with prematurity.
I wheeled her out on the gestational calandar. She conceived in February -three months from her wedding date. Suddenly I felt guilty for presuming that she was a honeymoon conception. Actually, I felt guilty for resenting her fertility. Fertiles have their stuggles, too.
It's tempting to want to trump someone else's pain. A thousand times I have wanted to trade a fertitle's pain for mine. Even though in my head I know that pain is pain.
ReplyDeleteI always tell myself that everyone struffles in their own way. I used to be jealous of a girlfriend who conceived twin boys on her first try, but then her boyfriend left her while she was pregnant and she raised them alone. Tandem breastfeeding and all! I've always felt guilty for my jealousy and less than enthusiastic congratulations I gave to her in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at FertileBook. I am most definitely guilty of resenting fertiles and assuming that their path was easy and worry free. It's a good reminder that everyone has their own struggles.
ReplyDeleteNothing makes me panic more than an unexpected pregnancy post, especially if there was no earlier mention and they're nearing their due date. This happened with a distant relative. She posted a vacation picture of her feet by the pool and 2 weeks later announced the birth of her daughter! I was like WTF? It makes you feel like these women took a magic pill or bought their newborn at the baby store. Facebook is torture. I have set my profile page as a "favorite," so I never have to read my news feed. Some day, I'll get over it, but it's still not normal to receive information in this way. It's like everyone has a brand, which they control and manipulate to create the best representation of themselves. Of course, I am guilty of the same. Anyhow, don't get me started on Facebook! My friend is contemplating divorce and Facebook is a nightmare for her as well. Kudos to you for stepping outside of your struggles to recognize another person's potential challenges, but you and I both know the babies will be born perfectly healthy! ;)
ReplyDeleteI would consider any pregnancy a blessing but I would also be soooo scared and stressed if I had a twin pregnancy like your friend's. When we would get "maybe it's twins!" jokes (why? I have no idea. Do people say things like that to every pregnant person?) and I always would respond with a withering "that is so not funny" stare. It is true that challenges come in many guises, although as you have pointed out before, sometimes ignorance is bliss. I would suspect that your friend's silence on FB shows that she is not ignorant of the risks, however. I too chose not to mention my pregnancy on FB. Not sure if I will make a late announcement or just announce a birth one day. I imagine one day I'll have to mention or close the account LOL.
ReplyDeleteI had always planned on a big "after years of infertility..." reveal on Facebook, but now I've second guessed myself and sort of don't feel like it's any of the business of all the people I was barely friends with in high school. Then again, I don't necessarily want to show up with a kid later an give the impression that it was all just booze and timing. Is it weird that I feel like I have this sort of obligation to the infertility community? Social media makes human interaction so much stranger these days. I'm old.
ReplyDeleteI just love that you're always taking a step back to consider others' struggles. That says a lot about you as a person!
ReplyDeleteStill... It's hard to hear of anyone's pregnancy while going through infertility. BUT, as Emily said above- even in the midst of your own struggle, what a sweet soul you are for recognizing others' struggles too... xo
ReplyDeletePhew, I didn't know those statistics. And yeah, fb... except in a few comments I still haven't written anything about this pregnancy or the twins. Because it doesn't feel right to do one without the other and I can't quite figure out how.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can so relate to the guilt after finding out that someone else's story wasn't as easy as it seemed at first glance.
I might be a little guilty of that sort of surprise on FB. I did do a pregnancy announcement, but looking back it seemed a little vague and cryptic. And aside from posting a few pictures where I was obviously pregnant, I never mentioned anything about my pregnancy. Then I posted about the girls being born a couple weeks after the fact. You are so much better at seeing past the jealousy than I am. I should take lessons.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, and we all need to take a step back and remember sometimes that just because someone can get pregnant easily doesn't mean that they don't also have their struggles. You are so good at seeing every side.
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