I can understand why the transition from RE to OB is described as graduation. It reminds me of other times during my life when I've been technically qualified, but not quite sure I'm ready for the next step. I accept that I'm past the stage of infertility treatments, but I'm not ready to embrace the pregnancy. I feel my risk of miscarriage decrease with each passing week and we're very fortunate to have the reassurance from our CCS testing. We're still planning to pursue the Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing, but it is more of a formality. Mostly, I'm not ready for the reaction to my pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to the commotion and attention. I don't want to answer mutilple questions on how I'm feel-ling. I fear staff members will see me in the break room and wonder how much weight I'm gaining. I'm not ready to start slapping away wandering hands trying to touch my bump.
Myrtle recently asked when I would start telling people. I hadn't given it much thought. Husband is dying to start sharing the news, but I convinced him to follow the unspoken rule of waiting until the second trimester. Mostly, I admit that it's really just buying me more time to become comfortable with the idea of everyone knowing my secret. My friend Robin has been texting me often to discuss our pregnancies, as I suspect she's the first among her circle of friends to find herself in a family way. I mentioned that I found Zantac to be the next best thing since sliced bread (sliced bread is still retaining the top spot as my love affair with toast continues..) "Oh, I'll have to remember that with my second baby" she replied. Sigh. Suddenly it dawned on me that I'm just not ready to discuss my pregnancy with non-infertile people. Funny how I was initially so reluctant to join InfertileWorld, while so unaware that it would become my comfort zone.
I figured that I would tell my swim teammates when I start showing. Let's face it, there are some situations where you can run, but you can't hide. Plus, I don't really know how to drop the P-bomb into conversation. "Today's set was tough. I'm pregnant. Do you think we'll be sprinting again tomorrow?" Maybe I was feeling a little giddy about turning ten weeks, as I was contemplating telling someone as a way to celebrate making it into the double digits of gestational age.
Although I don't know if Summer and I would exactly call each other friends, I would say that I'm friendlier with her than I am with others. We've carpooled to a few meets, ran some races together and we're usually the last ones to leave the pool, so we'll often chat while walking to the car park. Actually, I could argue that I should tell her personally since I'm closer with her, but I decided I would wait until we were alone in the locker room. As I was gearing myself up to actually go through with it, Lena, a swimmer who joined our group a few months ago, described how she's been wearing larger clothes to conceal her pregnancy from her co-workers.
"Oh, you're pregnant! Congratulations!" I blurted out as I realised that Summer must have known already. I silently sighed. Lena had just wed in early October. I started trying to conceive nine months after I joined the swim group. I've had to watch five swimmers procreate in that time. Lena became the next pregnant swimmer in only a matter of months. I thought about using her declaration as a opportunity to reveal my situation, but it didn't seem appropriate to tack onto her announcement.
As I decided I would wait for another time, I walked over to the sinks, but I could still hear Lena and Summer talking. Quite predictably, she described how they weren't actively attempting to conceive at that time. In fact, she was trying to avoid her fertile window as she didn't want to be dealing with pregnancy related nausea on her wedding day. Wouldn't you know it, the stress of the wedding messed with her cycle and she was ovulating on the one night they had sex in September... "So, it happened much quicker than we expected, but at least we're not one of those couples who have to do infertility treatments. I could never do that." she explained as Summer agreed with her position.
You mean someone like me... I wanted to walk around the corner and confront them both by announcing that I was pregnant after multiple failed fertility treatments. Oh and it's so thoughtful the way you fertiles pity us. Yet, I didn't want to give up my news just for spite. I kept quiet and tuned out their conversation. Maybe there was something about being in a locker room that brought back the vulnerability of feeling as if I were back in high school and the popular girls were talking about me.
Her words stung and they haunted me for the rest of the day. Yet what hurt most of all, is that I had to acknowledge that if had gotten knocked up on my first attempt, I probably would have said the same thing.