Sunday, 23 December 2012

At least you can get pregnant...

I heard those words from Husband, Myrtle, my RE, Co-worker and three other Ob/Gyn colleagues. It feels like the worst consolation prize ever, although it does carry some merit. In obstetrical nomenclature, I'm now a G1 P0 (Gravida-1, Para-0). I thought that I would never be able to be pregnant. Now, if nothing else happens, I can say that I was. I know some infertile women who were not able to conceive express an unusual wish to experience a miscarriage just to give a tangible event to their sense of loss. I remind myself that when I first discovered I was pregnant but knew the outcome was uncertain, I told myself to be happy just to have had the experience of a positive pregnancy test. But now I want more. I've been given a taste of the joy a pregnancy can bring and I want the end result.

However, knowing "at least you can get pregnant" seems to open more questions than provide any answers. Will I be able to get pregnant again? If so, how? We conceived spontaneously, despite Husband's low count and my unpredictable cycles. A look at the calendar notes that we conceived on our 7th attempt, which isn't too bad considering our diagnosis. Should we try to continue on our own for a little while longer, or was this our once in a life time opportunity to conceive spontaneously -if at all? What does this mean for our odds of conceiving with IUI or IVF? Furthermore, if I am able to get pregnant again, will I miscarry again? The clinician in me knows that the miscarriage was most likely due to chromosomal factors mitigated by the poor quality of our gametes and doesn't cast a poor prognosis for a future pregnancy. Yet the clinician who is also a vulnerable patient can't stop wondering if there were other contributing factors. The pregnancy seemed to stop developing at 5 weeks and I started to pass it a week later. Maybe my uterus just won't support a pregnancy. I know it's irrational to think this way after only one miscarriage, but every woman who experiences recurrent pregnancy loss starts with her first miscarriage. Another weird aspect is that I actually feel more pressure on myself from those in the small circle who know we are trying to conceive. Now that I've proven that I can get pregnant, they will expect that it will happen again. My astrology minded friend texted me, "Are you sure you're ready to try again so soon? You're looking at Virgo or Libra territory. Maybe hold out for a Scorpio or Sagittarius." Oh, if only it were mine to command...

3 comments:

  1. I have a couple of friends who started talking about having their second baby along the lines of "Oh, she'll go back to work for a year or so, and then I should get that promotion, so we can go for number two..." I can't imagine being in a situation where you are so certain of your ability to get pregnant that you were timing it along with your career. It's a different world for the fertiles out there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here from ICLW. thanks for stopping by my blog.
    Getting pregnant and stayig pregnant are such different things. I hope everything works out for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sorry about your miscarriage. I have to admit I have had those thoughts about miscarriage - not actually wishing for one but thinking then at least I would know i could get pregnant because right now it's not looking so great. It's a crazy, irrational thought but I guess that's what infertility does to us.

    ReplyDelete