Thursday, 13 June 2013

Because I could...

Among my other silly pre-IF concerns was thinking about how far along I would be in relation to the earth's axial tilt. If it were mine to command, I would arrange not to be showing during the summer months when the sun rises before 6 AM and my swimsuits would reveal my expanding bump. During the pre-daylight months I could arrive at the pool early and jump in quickly to hide my secret. I also figured I would  start showering at home, even after the pregnancy was apparent, as I wouldn't want to frighten any of the younger women in the locker room.

I've been dealing with some weight issues for the past few months, well actually for the past few years. I am 5'5" and I weighed 135 pounds on my wedding day in 2006. Since then, it's been slowly but surely increasing. I was in the low 140s by the time I moved to California in 2007. Despite running a half marathon in 2009, I couldn't drop below 145. More pounds were added in 2010 when we started renovating our first house and I did little exercise. I think I peaked around 157 at the start of 2011, but with swimming and training for my first triathlon I got down to 150, which has been my baseline for the past two years. Somehow I got as low as 147 right before my BFP, but I really didn't care about the scale at that time. Since the new year dawned, I've been consistently above 150, usually ranging from 151-153.

I know some of my weight gain can be attributed to muscle mass, but not all of it... Surprisingly, I can still wear some clothes I have from 2006 and I haven't changed my dress size (accounting for the variations between different stores). I try to look beyond the numbers on a scale. In 2006, I wasn't  running, and never throught to enter a 5K or even longer distances. I couldn't swim from one end of the pool to another, let alone compete at a masters level. Co-worker once commented to me "Do you know how fuckable you look? who cares what your weight is!" I know it's only merely a number, but I can't get past the fact that I am technically 'overweight' on the Body Mass Index chart.

I also can't get past the notion that if I'm not pregnant, then I should be at an ideal weight. I'd like to blame the Femara, but I know I can't. I keep telling myself that if I watch my caloric intake closer and start running in the evening, I'll be able to drop these extra pounds, but it's much easier said than done. Nonetheless, the other morning I was motivated by a thought of 'oh, fuck it' and inspired by 'why not?' and I decided to wear a two piece suit to swim practice -just because I could.

To my satisfaction I received a few glances from some of the the older guys at the pool, but also from one in his mid-thirties, who is someone I would probably fancy if I weren't married and in the process of procreating. I do lose a little respect for myself for craving this type of validation, but I figure I'll exploit every silver lining available...because I can...

6 comments:

  1. I wholeheartedly agree. If I can't have a baby bump I might as well rock my sexy figure while I can. I plan to get back in shape asap after baby (who doesn't?) but I doubt I'll ever look as good as I do now. Not to sound conceited, but I think you might as well enjoy the small silver linings that come with not not being pregnant.

    Good for you for getting the glances from the younger guys. I think you would be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't get a bit of an ego boost after being checked out by a good looking guy. I wish I could see what you look like now myself!! haha

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  2. Flaunt it if you got it, I say!

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  3. OK, so BMIs are horseshit if you're muscular and do a lot of athletic activity. You said it yourself...you are fitting into the same clothes so it's very likely you've gained lean muscle and not as much fat as you think. Also, I am extremely jealous since I don't think I've ever been referred to as "fuckable" by anyone except my husband. ;) That said, I've been working on the same goals and it's always so hard to find that body confidence as you get older and have a few extra pounds. Stupid slowing metabolisms. Keep rocking those bikinis!

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  4. I am sure you are hot and healthy and that matters so much more than a number!

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  5. Yes you can! And you should. Sometimes we need that validation so you shouldn't lose respect for yourself. Glad you're rockin the two-piece. :)

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  6. Aramis said it best. Throw the BMI number out the window. If you want a true indicator, you need to have your body fat tested. I'm pretty sure you are probably smoking hot! Congrats on the looks. I'd be craving them myself, but there is no way I'd wear a two piece because I know I can't rock it!

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