Because I could...

Among my other silly pre-IF concerns was thinking about how far along I would be in relation to the earth's axial tilt. If it were mine to command, I would arrange not to be showing during the summer months when the sun rises before 6 AM and my swimsuits would reveal my expanding bump. During the pre-daylight months I could arrive at the pool early and jump in quickly to hide my secret. I also figured I would  start showering at home, even after the pregnancy was apparent, as I wouldn't want to frighten any of the younger women in the locker room.

I've been dealing with some weight issues for the past few months, well actually for the past few years. I am 5'5" and I weighed 135 pounds on my wedding day in 2006. Since then, it's been slowly but surely increasing. I was in the low 140s by the time I moved to California in 2007. Despite running a half marathon in 2009, I couldn't drop below 145. More pounds were added in 2010 when we started renovating our first house and I did little exercise. I think I peaked around 157 at the start of 2011, but with swimming and training for my first triathlon I got down to 150, which has been my baseline for the past two years. Somehow I got as low as 147 right before my BFP, but I really didn't care about the scale at that time. Since the new year dawned, I've been consistently above 150, usually ranging from 151-153.

I know some of my weight gain can be attributed to muscle mass, but not all of it... Surprisingly, I can still wear some clothes I have from 2006 and I haven't changed my dress size (accounting for the variations between different stores). I try to look beyond the numbers on a scale. In 2006, I wasn't  running, and never throught to enter a 5K or even longer distances. I couldn't swim from one end of the pool to another, let alone compete at a masters level. Co-worker once commented to me "Do you know how fuckable you look? who cares what your weight is!" I know it's only merely a number, but I can't get past the fact that I am technically 'overweight' on the Body Mass Index chart.

I also can't get past the notion that if I'm not pregnant, then I should be at an ideal weight. I'd like to blame the Femara, but I know I can't. I keep telling myself that if I watch my caloric intake closer and start running in the evening, I'll be able to drop these extra pounds, but it's much easier said than done. Nonetheless, the other morning I was motivated by a thought of 'oh, fuck it' and inspired by 'why not?' and I decided to wear a two piece suit to swim practice -just because I could.

To my satisfaction I received a few glances from some of the the older guys at the pool, but also from one in his mid-thirties, who is someone I would probably fancy if I weren't married and in the process of procreating. I do lose a little respect for myself for craving this type of validation, but I figure I'll exploit every silver lining available...because I can...