Sunday 23 June 2013

One Step Forward...Two Steps back...

I acknowledge that situation with our infertility is awkward for Myrtle. I felt that I was raining on the parade of her excitement and that she has to censor what she shares with me. As conception was so quick and easy for her, she never had to think much about the procreation process or ever venture into the infertility work up or assisted reproductive options. I truly appreciate that her intentions are in the right place, but as she hasn't experienced infertility herself, she can't understand how misguided her comments can be. I also admit that I'm a bit too sensitive, but I've come to accept that she just doesn't quite know how to support me during this time.  I'm fortunate to have built a separate network of women who do understand and have been an amazing source of strength for me.

I had decided that it would be much easier just to update Myrtle with our fertility project only if she asked; but as frustrating as it can be to talk to her, I still felt the need to share with her. Neither of us had broached the issue during the past few times we phoned, and more recently we kept missing opportunities to speak with each other. I started to question if I was actually trying to avoid her. Then she called on a Saturday afternoon.  I filled her in my swimming and running events, some plans for a long weekend and other miscellaneous topics. She announced that her husband received a two month assignment through a temp agency, which may become permanent, so very good news for them. We spoke for about half an hour, before I noted that I need to leave for a hair appointment. As I started to end the phone call, she commented, "Well, we didn't really talk about your life, so feel free to call me later."

I knew how to read between the lines. She was asking about life (or lack thereof) within my uterus. I realised then that we both had been playing a metaphorical game of chicken, each waiting for the other to make a move. I would be the one to give in. I phoned her back once I got in my car (hands-free, of course) and I blurted it all out. Fertility treatments not working, most likely going to need to do IVF later this year. Preparing myself that I probably won't be pregnant at the time of the would-be due date. Tough at times handling Co-workers pregnancy, which reminds me of what could have been. Just as soon as Co-worker goes out on maternity leave to have her babies, another colleague will be making her pregnancy announcement.

She just listened and offered a few comments of "I'm so sorry that you are going through this", which is all I need to hear from her. It felt good to vent and to be sharing with her. I was ready to take my victory, so I thanked her for listening and quickly changed the conversation to discuss how I was anticipating that the upcoming visit with my parents and in-laws will be rather stressful. "Family visits are tough, but it's like the pain of childbirth," she told me "you just have to push through it..."

Really Myrtle? You had to use that as an analogy? Just after I informed you that I may never have the opportunity to experience that event? hand smack to forehead... 




15 comments:

  1. Yup.. Good for her for the first part of her comment. Do you think you'd ever talk to her about things she said that might have been a little insensitive? I find myself always just letting go of these comments from friends... but they keep on coming back with more. So to speak up or not? I often chicken out.

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    1. When I first stopped sharing with her, she asked me "do you not want to tell me because I don't know what I'm talking about" So I think she's aware to a certain extent.

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  2. ohhhh man. i have a close friend JUST like this. i want so badly to avoid talking to her about our treatments because she so often says the wrong thing, but i also find it impossible. she's a close friend. i want to share with her. and despite the occasional stinging comment, i still get something out of it. it IS tough, though. and i DO avoid it. until i need to talk, and then the need to avoid the sting gets overrun by the need for a sounding board. i'm sorry you're experiencing a similar thing. i wish she was less dense about all of this!

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    1. It's such a dilemma, I totally agree about the need to share outweighs your tolerance to endure hearing her saying something really stupid. I thought about setting some ground rules:
      1. No promises of "it will happen"
      2. Do not say "you never know..."
      3. Do not offer advice from your Aunt Jane
      Is it really having a conversation when you set the script?

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  3. She was so close. Apart from the misguided analogy, at least she didn't offer any getting pregnant advice.

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    1. I know -so close. I debated about posting this, but it just shows how clueless (and a bit tactless) she is. Oh, but I would have told her where she could have shoved her socks, if she brought that up...

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  4. Wow, she really said that? As the other commenters (and you) said, I'm sure she meant well. I'm glad you got to vent to Myrtle because I know she is important to you.

    When venturing into unfamiliar waters, there is bound to be some mistakes made (and said) along the way. I can't tell you how many times I've cringed at things people have said to me when I tell them we are going to adopt someday. I think some people really have to experience something themselves to really understand it. Luckily, there are many others who somehow manage to say the right things (for the most part anyway. When someone says something offensive, I try to remind myself they don't have bad intentions.

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  5. Yikes! People are so clueless sometime. I'm sorry for her insensitivity!

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  6. oh jeeze. oblivious. I was so happy that she had said the perfect "i am so sorry you are dealing with this" line!

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  7. Facepalm. Seriously, Myrtle? And she was sooooo clooooose...

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    1. Facepalm -that was the word I was looking for! I had to check your blog for your double facepalm picture!

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  8. Myrtle world vomit strikes again! And she was doing sooo well only to stumble on the last lap...ugg. I have a wide range of responses to such comments...I think it's mostly dependent upon that exact moments hormone cocktail. Several "peripheral" friends had said the classic "just relax" and even a closer friend had joked about me "taking her kids" and "well never have free time again". I like to think these comments are well intentioned and so I usually just move the conversation past them. Sometimes I'll say things like "I don't feel like you've understood this situation". It's an ongoing battle!

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    1. That's a great phrase -I think I'll borrow it!

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  9. Oh silly Myrtle...always good for a forehead smack!

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  10. Every time I have confronted a friend or family member, they typically say that they believe it will happen for us and it's only a matter of time. Therefore, a childbirth comment or something of that nature feels appropriate to them and relevant to the situation.

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