One Step Forward...Two Steps back...

I acknowledge that situation with our infertility is awkward for Myrtle. I felt that I was raining on the parade of her excitement and that she has to censor what she shares with me. As conception was so quick and easy for her, she never had to think much about the procreation process or ever venture into the infertility work up or assisted reproductive options. I truly appreciate that her intentions are in the right place, but as she hasn't experienced infertility herself, she can't understand how misguided her comments can be. I also admit that I'm a bit too sensitive, but I've come to accept that she just doesn't quite know how to support me during this time.  I'm fortunate to have built a separate network of women who do understand and have been an amazing source of strength for me.

I had decided that it would be much easier just to update Myrtle with our fertility project only if she asked; but as frustrating as it can be to talk to her, I still felt the need to share with her. Neither of us had broached the issue during the past few times we phoned, and more recently we kept missing opportunities to speak with each other. I started to question if I was actually trying to avoid her. Then she called on a Saturday afternoon.  I filled her in my swimming and running events, some plans for a long weekend and other miscellaneous topics. She announced that her husband received a two month assignment through a temp agency, which may become permanent, so very good news for them. We spoke for about half an hour, before I noted that I need to leave for a hair appointment. As I started to end the phone call, she commented, "Well, we didn't really talk about your life, so feel free to call me later."

I knew how to read between the lines. She was asking about life (or lack thereof) within my uterus. I realised then that we both had been playing a metaphorical game of chicken, each waiting for the other to make a move. I would be the one to give in. I phoned her back once I got in my car (hands-free, of course) and I blurted it all out. Fertility treatments not working, most likely going to need to do IVF later this year. Preparing myself that I probably won't be pregnant at the time of the would-be due date. Tough at times handling Co-workers pregnancy, which reminds me of what could have been. Just as soon as Co-worker goes out on maternity leave to have her babies, another colleague will be making her pregnancy announcement.

She just listened and offered a few comments of "I'm so sorry that you are going through this", which is all I need to hear from her. It felt good to vent and to be sharing with her. I was ready to take my victory, so I thanked her for listening and quickly changed the conversation to discuss how I was anticipating that the upcoming visit with my parents and in-laws will be rather stressful. "Family visits are tough, but it's like the pain of childbirth," she told me "you just have to push through it..."

Really Myrtle? You had to use that as an analogy? Just after I informed you that I may never have the opportunity to experience that event? hand smack to forehead...