Monday 17 November 2014

Keep Calm and Carry On

I think we told almost all of our close friends about our most recent FET, as well as the rest of our sorted reproductive past. It was touching to see how many infertility novices quickly learned the drill of beta doubling times and it was interesting to note that many seemed more anxious about receiving my numbers than I was. For record, my RE had me do a third draw, which came back at 2136. "I know you've probably already done this," said New Girl "I looked back at your prior betas and these are way higher." I knew they were, but I didn't make any direct comparisons, as there are so many differences between this FET and my first fresh transfer. I held this unusual sense of confidence as I casually waited for my results. After receiving the first and most critical one, I just knew that my betas would rise accordingly. Wow. I thought on a few occasions, this must be what it feels like for normal women... Then I remembered that most normal fertile women don't go through beta testing. I had to explain to Myrtle what it meant to have a beta of 175. I am not kidding.

Of all the money we have spent on this procreation pursuit, and it has been a lot, the $1875 for CCS testing has been worth every penny and more. Yet, it doesn't offer any guarantees. It only means that if my heart is broken with another miscarriage, a chromosomal abnormality will not be the cause. I keep reminding myself that my embryo is not infallible. My RE recently mentioned that he has been seeing more miscarriages in women over 40 who are found to have normal chromosomes on their pathology reports. "You're not over 40" Husband countered. True, but I'm not that far away. I had two patients of my own, both are in their early 30s, whose POC analysis did not implicate a chromosomal abnormality. One was found to have a large uterine fibroid and the other was found to have the triad of a high FSH, low AMH and low AFC, leading to the craptastic DOR diagnosis. Embryos can still be shitty even if they're genetically normal.

I'm in the ignorance is bliss phase. While I was a University student, I attended a lecture by a psychology PhD candidate whose research observed that people cannot disregard information presented to them, particularly if it is very emotional in nature. Well, I seem to be proving her wrong, as I often forget that I am pregnant. For three years, I've become obsessed with pregnancy and now it's expunged from my mind? I don't know how many weeks and days I am. I refuse to calculate a potential due date. I saw a pregnant woman in Tar.get and instantly filled with disdain, until the little voice reminded me, oh yeah... I'm technically pregnant too... 

Myrtle, who apparently is an expert in obstetrics after her textbook perfect pregnancy, had some advice for me, "just cuddle with your kitties or think of Angus if you feel anxious..." Thanks, but I don't actually don't feel anxious. I know whatever will be, will be. The die has already been cast. Nothing I can do can influence this outcome, and as mind blowingly frustrating as that is, there is really no point in stressing over it.  I'm not even meticulously inspecting the toilet tissue. I tried to find an explanation that Myrtle might understand. "Imaging as a child, you really wanted a certain toy for Christmas. It was the last gift you opened and you were absolutely elated as soon as you tore off the paper. But then you were told that you couldn't play with it. You couldn't look at it; actually, you weren't allowed to even think about it."

Maybe that analogy hit a little close to home for me. If I receive a gift from an out of state relative, my mother would hold it hostage on top of our refrigerator until I wrote a thank you note. To this day, that discipline has stayed with me, with the one exception that I once needed to cash my grandmother's ten dollar cheque in order to buy a card and stamp for my thank you note. Maybe it's why I have managed to keep thoughts about this pregnancy out of sight and out of mind. "So, are we ever going to be able to enjoy this pregnancy?" asked Husband with words that stabbed me right in the gut. "Hopefully..." was all I could answer.

This past weekend I ran into an old friend at the Farmer's Market. After we chatted for a few minutes, she cut right to the chase, "so, any news?" I immediately felt shitty as I forgot that she was in the loop and I realised that I didn't tell her earlier. "Oh, I'm pregnant again." I informed, suddenly acknowledging that it was the first time I said 'I'm [the p-word]' out loud, and I sounded like an asshole. I'm sure to anyone who overheard our conversation, I came across as one of those super fertile women, we were just talking about if we wanted to have a third baby, and I realised my period was late, so I took a test and it was positive! It's so easy for us, all we have to do is talk about getting pregnant and I'm knocked up! "Three pregnancies, nothing yet to show for it." I quickly added for the benefit of any eavesdroppers. No one looked up from selecting their desired produce. They were calmly carrying on with their day, and I should too.

15 comments:

  1. I did the same thing (pretending I wasn't pregnant) with Lucy's pregnancy for quite some time. I definitely think it was one of my coping mechanisms--hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. My fingers are still crossed that everything goes well and that you are able to find some joy, even if it's just a few moments, along the way.

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  2. It's self protection! I did it too! It actually took me to 18 weeks to really believe it was true and real. It was when we found out we were carrying a girl. All this emotion, all the IF trauma came out and I was a blubbering fool for a full day! Then I started feeling her move and there was no way I could protect my heart anymore, I was forever in love with this little girl inside me. Whether it worked out well in the end or not I was going to cherish every moment she was with me.
    All of us veterans feel a little disconnect and uncertain when it's finally happening. The best advice I can give though is let your husband enjoy every moment without worry. Let him be your beacon! And enjoy and love the little bean as long as they are with you.
    Wishing you all my very best!

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  3. You haven't calculated a due date?!?! Eeeek, I'd be dying. I think I'll go calculate for you. It's like I tell Suzanne, I'll be hopeful for you until you can take over for yourself.

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  4. That disdain for other pregnant women doesn't go away. I still feel like an interloper. I hope you haven't resorted to self administered ultrasounds yet.

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  5. In the early days I definitely felt kind of schizophrenic...on the one hand I couldn't stop thinking that I was finally pregnant, and then on the other I couldn't bring myself to actually say the word or think much about getting beyond that day itself. And I still play TP detective every single time. I had no choice to find out a due date, though...they kept telling it to me every time I went in for a scan. You'll be stuck knowing it soon!

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  6. It's very difficult to fully embrace pregnancy when you've experienced nothing but loss and negative results to date until now. My husband was in denial of our twins until we hit about 10 weeks and they actually LOOKED like babies on the ultrasound. I do hope that you will be able to find that point that you can enjoy your pregnancy sooner rather than later. I like what Amanda said, we'll be hopeful for you until you can take over :)

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  7. Yup. This. I was in a state of disbelief almost my entire pregnancy. I did have a hard time saying it. Even when I was huge and waddling around I was sometimes surprised when strangers would ask me about it. I couldn't believe it was something that other people could see, too. Hopefully, you see all the right things on your first scan and will start to believe it.

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  8. I admire your self-possession! hoping everything continues to go well!

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  9. I've been out of the loop- I'm so happy to read your news!!!! Yay!!!

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  10. We didn't tell anyone including our parents about the pregnancy until 10ish weeks. I still have a lot of moments where I forget. Baby bumps in the grocery store still annoy me a little. So I guess I'm still feeling disconnected from this pregnancy - and I'm almost halfway done. When is your first ultrasound?

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  11. I say go with the flow because it's working for you! On a selfish note, I told myself that if you got pregnant, I would too! Haha! Still smiling because I am so happy for you.

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  12. I am loving that you can be so calm through all of this. And I know it's hard to be hopeful but I'm praying that changes for you sooner rather than later. Your beta numbers are so strong and I just know this is IT for you! So happy for you friend.

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  13. I'm in the same place. Ignorance and forgetfulness is bliss. I do find myself resenting that I can't have a cup of regular coffee--like I'm denying myself not because I'm supposedly pregnant, but as yet another PIA activity I'm forced to endure while not actually being pregnant.

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  14. Omigosh. I've been MIA and look what news I come back to! I'm so happy that your beta numbers are strong. Sending you a gazillion good thoughts and vibes for this pregnancy!! xoxo

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  15. It took my husband asking me that same question (about enjoying the pregnancy) to finally loosen up a bit (after about 28 weeks) and try to get comfortable with the idea that things *might* work out differently. I suspect you'll reach a point where you might get there... but all in good time.

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