Friday, 7 November 2014

The Writing in the Tablets

Although I am scientific minded and evidence based, I exhibit a bit of a contradiction; I am superstitious. After each transfer, I have made sure that I had just enough progesterone on hand to make it through to beta day, as I refused to order anymore until I received my results. Obviously, I feared that procuring an advanced provision of extra progesterone would some how jinx the outcome. Even thought I knew such actions exerted no influence, and wouldn't even be wasteful as I would need the supplies for my next transfer, I still kept to this ritual. A few days after my transfer, I started to count the number of tablets in the bottle in my bathroom, as well as the one I keep in my purse for on-the-go dosing. It turned out, I had exactly enough Prometrium capsules to get past my afternoon dose on beta day. Right to the point in time where Misery would be telling me to stop all my meds if my test results were negative.

My stomach twisted into knots. This was definitely a bad omen. Not a good prognostic indicator at all. I shared this news with my friend Isabelle, who asked if I were using Endometrin. No, I replied. I've been prescribed Prometrium, or whatever micronised progesterone the compounding pharmacy whips up for me. Suddenly, I remembered that I had received a box of Endometrin from a fellow blogger earlier this year. I used it for a few days during FET#2 and I found that I liked it much better than the Prometrium capsules. Endometrin comes with its own applicator, so I don't have to use the Pre-Seed Lubricant applicators. (Top Tip: Pap smear cytobrushes are the perfect tool for cleaning these applicators. They work well for cleaning the straw and spout of your water bottle too. Steal some at your next visit!) Best of all, I found that the Endometrin didn't muck up my underwear nearly as much as the Prometrium.  I didn't have too much hope with that transfer. It was a Hail Mary Grade 2 Blast to possibly avoid a second fresh stimming cycle. After a few days, I switched back to the Prometrium, as I decided that I would save the preferred Endometrin as a reward when/if I ever became pregnant again. What can I say? This girl knows how to pamper herself.

Now I had to acknowledge; was there something to be said for the fact that my preference for progesterone tablets and planned use in the event of a pregnancy aligned perfectly with the timing of my results? It sounds absolutely ridiculous as I type those words. Yet, these kinds of things appeal to the meticulous nature of my mind. I always try to look for patterns. I love palindromes. I get excited when I see a sequence of numbers. Why was something so silly giving me more confidence than the top grades assigned to my euploid beautifully expanding blast, which was placed perfectly by the skilled hands of my RE?


I can't explain it either. I went into the lab for my beta test with a surprising sense of calm, that I haven't had with my previous situations. After my first fresh transfer 'The Day 3 Desparation' I truly had no expectations. I felt over-confident with FET#1 'The Chosen One' as I was mentally clearing my schedule to return for beta#2 and my ultrasounds while waiting for the phlebotomist to call my name. I had an impending sense of doom with FET#2 'The Leftovers' and with FET#3 'Haven't Named It Yet'. I was merely going through the motions of having my vein poked in order to wait for a phone call to tell me something I already knew. This time, I didn't have that same intuition that forcasted failure. It's not the same thing as believing that I might have a positive result, but hey; I'll take it.

The call came in around 2 PM. I quickly cleared the alert from my phone and I refused to look at the length of the message to avoid applying the Thin Envelope Theory. Fortunately, I had a pretty busy day, which included dealing with possible treatment failure for a patient with an ectopic pregnancy. I was more preoccupied dealing with her beta results than my own. At last, after a long day at the office, Cross-Fit and waiting for Husband to come home from his hockey match, we played the message just after 8PM.

"Hi Jane, It's Misery from Dr Somebody That I Used to Know's Office." I've told both her and New Girl that I don't have any other contacts with their names, so they don't need the full identification when they call, yet I was trying to determine if I could pick anything up from the tone in her voice. "I'm calling with your test results, your HCG..." oh fuck, she's struggling to get the words out... "Congratulations. It was 175. You are pregnant."

All I will ever remember from that moment is the smile on Husband's face. I don't think he has ever looked more beautiful to me. As we've been through two loses, we know that beta results don't always mean baby, and I once tried to dismiss their importance completely. It has taken three failed transfers to resonate their significance. We got our break. We're still in this game.

36 comments:

  1. Oh Jane, I am absolutely tickled for you! I understand your natural reservations, but this is such a strong number! Sending so many positive thoughts into the universe for a consistent doubling!

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  2. Yay!! That's wonderful, I'm so happy for you! Hoping that this game/embryo will be yours.

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  3. Exciting news. Wishing for the best.

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  4. This is the best news!! I too am wishing for the best and hoping this pregnancy lasts another 9 months :)

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  5. So happy for you! Hoping for a strong doubling

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  6. YES!!!!! So happy right now! Congratulations! I'm hoping / praying everything is smooth sailing from this point on. All my very best to you!

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  7. Woot! Happy dance coming your way, my friend. You've waited so long for this. I've got an awesome feeling about this one. What a great beta!

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  8. Nothing but good thoughts going your way!!! :) :) :)

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  9. So, so excited!!! You deserve this moment.

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  10. Yay congrats! And that's a great number!

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  11. Fuck Yeah!!!! I am so hoping the best for you! Grow little baby, grow!!!!

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  12. Wooo! Such wonderful, wonderful news! Congratulations!

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  13. This is it! Congratulations! Your news gave me goose bumps!

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  14. Oh my gosh! I am hoping so hard that this is it! I'm sure it's going to be a stressful few days so sending you lots of positive mojo!!! c'mon little embryo!

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  15. Yaaayyy!! My heart was beating so fast as I read this. I refused to scroll to the bottom to see the comments first so the suspense was killing me, ha. I am SO happy for you! I'll be hoping for smooth sailing for the rest of your pregnancy. Congratulations!!!

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  16. Oh Jane, congratulations!!! I was so hoping to read the ending you wrote! I will be hoping and praying that this little one sticks around for the long haul. Best wishes!!!

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  17. You are queen of suspense! Congratulations!!! XO

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  18. You're not only still in the game, you are taking back your serve! Jane, I was holding my breath reading this, and I am just so happy to hear the positive results!!! Now, it's time to serve up some aces and close out this match with a win!

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  19. Amazing news, congratulations! I, too, am very superstitious about the whole ordeal. Hoping for all the best, and an uneventful pregnancy from here on out!

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  20. I've been following your blog for quite awhile now but don't usually comment. I need to now though. Congratulations!!! I hope Beta #2 doubles perfectly. :)

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  21. Fingers crossed that your GREAT news continues!!!

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  22. Thrilled for you! Fingers crossed.

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  23. Great news! Everything's crossed for you!

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  24. Oh Em Gee! Oh Em Gee! Yippee!!!!!! That is a great first beta...outstanding!

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  25. Yes, yes, yes!!!! So thrilled to see this news and I think that is a fabulous first beta, looking forward to continued good news with the second one. Fuck yeah!

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  26. Holy crap! The suspense of this post was killing me and I refused to read ahead. I am so excited for you! That's a great first beta. This is it. This has got to be it.

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  27. Yes yes yes! I have a huge smile on my face as that is a great first beta! So excited for you!

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  28. Amazing news! I was really praying that this would be the cycle for you.

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  29. AHHHH!!! Congratulations! That was killer to read, though--a little "I'm pregnant" in the lead is nice for those of us who don't enjoy anxiety. I'm so happy for you!

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  30. SO happy to read this update. Can't wait to hear another update from your second beta and u/s. Fingers crossed.

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  31. EEEEE! How did I miss this?? Congratulations!!!

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  32. Wow, that first line of that last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. Congratulations on this and your kick-ass second beta. I hope it is smooth sailing from here on out.

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