Monday, 10 November 2014

The Only Thing We Have to Fear... is Fear Itself

A week ago, I woke up about half an hour before my alarm rang. It was another Monday, another start to the work week. Yet, this wasn't any other week. By quitting time on Friday, I would have my beta results, and my two week wait, which has really been a three year wait, would be over. As I tried to fall back asleep, I found myself thinking about The Monster at the End of the Book.

*Spoiler Alert: Although if you haven't read this book, you must add it to your reading list!* 

Grover, the most beloved Sesame Street character until Elmo was introduced, had received some inside information that there is a Monster at the end of the book you are reading. He begs and pleads with the reader not to turn any pages, which will bring them face to face with the Monster. When that fails, he attempts to tie the pages together and even builds a brick wall to thwart any further page turning. It was one of my favourite books as a child, perhaps because my mother could do a pretty good imitation of Grover freaking out.

I've previously noted that it's the final 48 hours of the two week wait that seem to be the hardest. When I hit 8dp5dt, I started contemplating testing. I researched my fellow bloggers and while there were a few exceptions; for the most part, women with a successful implantation had a positive result by this time, and women with negative results, often had a BFN or chemical pregnancy confirmed. Why drag it out any longer? I could pee on a stick and end the suspense.

Suddenly it made sense why I was randomly thinking about that book from my childhood. I didn't actually want the two week wait to end. Each passing day was like turning a page, and would bring me closer to the BFN Monster at the end of the week. I wanted to prolong not being not pregnant as long as possible.

For the record, I did hold out on testing. Husband reminded me that even when I was pregnant, my second line was so faint you had to squint as if you were looking at those 3-D posters that were all the rave in our college days. I also came across the episode of Seinfeld where George contemplates telling his girlfriend that he loves her. "Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?" Jerry inquires. "Otherwise, that's a pretty big Matzah Ball you've left hanging." As soon as I knew that I was most likely guaranteed a second line, I broke out my lone First Response Early Result test (a gift that accompanied the Endometrin, which I was also saving for when/if I became pregnant again). I didn't break Aramis's record of twenty seconds, but the colour in the test line came through before the control line. That had never happened to me before.

Obligatory FRER Picture
I had promised myself that I would break my POAS habit, but even after replaying Misery's voice mail three times, I needed something tangible to show that I was actually pregnant. I needed to erase any doubt that the lab had switched my blood sample, or perhaps Misery intended to leave that message for another patient. My second beta came back at 839. The Monster at the end of the book was none other than furry, lovable Grover himself. Thirty-five years later, I now understood the message to that story. You must face your fears; and sometimes, they may not be as scary as you thought.

38 comments:

  1. What beautiful lines!! What lovely FRER that is!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jane, I absolutely love the comparison to that book. It makes perfect sense. I'm going to have to find that book for my twins. That line is beautiful and makes me so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am loving how this story is unfolding! I'm assuming this is a three day difference, but I'll take the chance to taunt you with a potential cleaving and identical twins ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a gorgeous, clear line!! Beautiful :) Very excited for you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes!!!! So wonderful! I really love this, and I distinctly remember feeling the same way… that the possibility of being pregnant, even with all the awfulness of the two week wait, was far better than the reality of a BFN.

    Fantastic second beta! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, that's a positive pee stick if I've ever seen one! (Which I haven't, because I was too scared to test)

    That sounds like a great kids book, I'll have to get it.

    I am so so so happy for you. I can't wait to read your next updates.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So so beautiful. So happy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nice dark line there! I am trying to remember how many embies you transferred. Is there any possibility this is twins? That's a pretty heft jump in numbers! Either way, this one is here to stay. woo hoo!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Awesome doubling time, Jane. I'm with you--sometimes it's just nice not to know. I didn't say this on my post, but I tested earlier than I said, 6dp5dt (I know, what was I thinking?!?!?) and it was negative. It was the worst idea ever, because although I felt it might be working, that test was telling me it wasn't. No Grover that day. I'm kind of afraid to repee because I'm afraid that it'll be lighter; I'm really enjoying this I'm pregnant place I'm in right now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I absolutely love this analogy because it's just so perfect. I think I'll always remember my last 2ww on 8dp5dt, the night before I had decided to test, just breaking down and crying uncontrollably because I was so afraid of what would happen the next day. Just think how fitting it will be when you are reading your child this book in a couple years' time (because YES I think this is IT!).

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is perfect. This is exactly why I never tested until my period was late. As long as I didn't test, I didn't have to see the BFN Monster. Your test looks great! Pick up a copy of that book so you can share this with your little one (maybe not the POAS part, but the facing your fears part).

    ReplyDelete
  12. This post makes me so happy! Congrats on your awesome second Beta and I think you just described what all of us feel during the 2ww. So very happy for you friend!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can feel your happiness coming through and I am so happy for you, my friend! I am assuming you meant replaying Misery's message, not replying. If you replied three times, then I want to know what Misery had to say! Ha! (You showed her! You must feel so validated.)

    I know it's early, but I'd love to read an eventual post discussing your take-away. Was it all your research? Was it the egg quality, the better transfer and a bit of luck?

    I love that so many Moms are on here congratulating you! Enjoy this moment.

    By the way, I always loved that Grover book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for catching my typo! You're right, it would have bugged the shit out of her if I send three replies -what a delicious thought.

      It is a little too early to speculate, and impossible to know the ultimate determining factor, since we changed so many variables, but the smooth transfer procedure was significant, especially since my previous three had been challenging.

      Honestly, despite all the articles I read, the most useful research was from other bloggers. When I learned that CCRM and other clinics may cancel a transfer for a lining that is near 15 mm, it really made me question mine. Of course I am totally going to take credit for the idea to reduce my estrogen priming!

      Delete
  14. I LOVE this post! And I love your tie in to The Monster at the End of the Book (going to go buy that book now...). I am so happy for you, Jane :D Can't stop smiling!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am so happy for you! I wanted to POAS before all of my betas but my husband and sister would not let me. I can remember dreading those phone calls with the results. I am going to go buy that book for my twin boys first birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Woo hoo!! 839 is so fantastic, that is a crazy good doubling time!! When is your first ultrasound? And I had forgotten all about The Monster at the End of the Book, I need to add that to my library - love that one.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Jane!!!! I am so happy for you. What incredible news. This is amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yayyyyy!!!!! Best news ever! So happy for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. So great!! Love the story and the news!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I loved that book!!! And this post just made my day. So incredibly happy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  21. That is also my favorite childhood book! I can't wait for my current daycare kids to be old enough to appreciate that book. :) Congratulations...so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yes, save that test lady! I have my test from Hazy saved in my special stash box and a year later the lines are as bold as ever. I am just thrilled for you! I can't wait to follow along the whole 9 months with you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Okay, just wrote a comment and it got lost in the logging in, so hope it doesn't turn into two awkwardly similar comments like some technologically-impaired duck, lol.

    I'm not even a regular commenter (I'm not actually sure I've commented before) but I always followed your posts on Fertility Community (which I've just learned is back up, now, curiously) and then here at your blog, and I have to admit that I choked up a little when I read your previous post and this one. It doesn't feel right to say simply that I'm happy for you--it feels like oblivious chatter, even in my head, knowing how cautious you must be feeling right now--so I'll say that my heart leaps up for you. I will definitely be following eagerly and also, in my semi-atheistic way, praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Amazing news, Jane! There are no words for my excitement and joy for you! XO

    ReplyDelete
  25. I love everything about this post. This is such great news! And such a perfect description of the TWW after multiple failures. I forgot about what a cute book that is. I have added it to my Amazon list.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is amazing news. Congratulations! Love the site of that stick.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Very exciting. I'm so glad this two week wait ended positively for you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I have never heard of that book but it sounds adorable! I waited to POAS until after I heard I was pregnant too so having that second line come up for the first time ever was amazing! And oh boy that is a great second beta number! So excited for you!

    ReplyDelete
  29. That's a great book :)

    Congrats! That second line is SUPER dark, what a beautiful thing. I'm so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. GAH!! Congratulations!!!!! That line is so dark!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. OMG! Congrats! I am so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete