Thursday 20 June 2013

0 for 3

I've previously described that taking prenatal vitamins when you can't get pregnant is akin to taking birth control pills when you're not sexually active, but I have to re-assess that analogy. If I had been really determined in my early twenties, I think I could have found someone willing to sleep with me; but even with assisted reproduction, I can't knock myself up. I think my resentment for these nutrient supplements started when we were officially TTC and I bought my first bottle at Target. The clerk congratulated me on my "pregnancy", but I felt so silly explaining that I was only trying and wasn't actually pregnant, so I smiled, lied, and changed the subject before she could ask any details.

I know there is a medical rationale for starting vitamins early, but the daily ritual just makes me feel so desperate and pathetic. I feel like a fraud, diligently taking these pills that really aren't meant for me. I picked up the chewable gummy preparation, as I struggle swallowing pills and all vitamins taste horrible, but now I appreciate that they seem more like a candy snack rather than something medicinal. I also started ordering on-line, but recently Target was offering a $5 gift card if you purchased two bottles, and I couldn't resist a deal. As I queued to be checked out by a young male clerk (who did not comment on the items), I wondered if I would become pregnant before finishing the two 90 count bottles. Thus, a new challenge was issued. If my uterus is still empty by the time the second bottle is, I will switch to a generic multivitamin and folic acid supplement. I'm convinced the cartoon pregnant woman on the bottle is mocking me.

5 days past IUI #3, I read a fellow blogger's post on the woes of progesterone supplements and I suddenly realised that I hadn't started mine. I could offer a few plausible explanations. I was due to start on a Saturday, which happened to be the day of a 10 K run, followed by Co-worker's baby shower, a first birthday party and finished with a leaving party for another friend. I was hardly home for five minutes. Additionally, as one of Husband's hockey friends stayed with us for a few days, I hid all my fertility related products. To an extent, they were out of sight and out of mind.

Yet, I couldn't escape the notion that this was more than an oversight. I hadn't started my progesterone supplements, because I knew then that this IUI was not going to be successful. I would merely be going through the motions, because it was expected of me, but not because it was serving any purpose. I began using them anyway, but skipped many days. I had finished off the bottle that was prescribed to me when I was pregnant and Co-worker gave me her unused supplies. It was easier to use leftovers that otherwise would have been discarded, as I can't bring myself to fill a new prescription for suppositories that will ultimately be used in vain.

It also made for a much easier two week wait. I wasn't in any kind of limbo wondering if I could be pregnant. I thought ahead to the details for our next cycle and our intentions to do IVF later in the year and I often forgot that I actually was in a two week wait. Still, test day arrived. I knew it was a formality at this point in time. Taking my monthly POAS tests is beginning to feel like opening a soda bottle when the distributer is running a give-a-way contest, "One in ten WINS!!!" -which is probably much higher odds that having a positive pregnancy test from an IUI procedure. Not this time:






Three strikes. Yet, we're not out.


15 comments:

  1. I was definitely "over" IUIs by number three! And here I am after embryo transfer number 3....and I already feel like composing my "Strike Three--I'm out" blog post. Maybe it sounds terrible...but it's becoming harder and harder to believe that it can happen to me. But for YOU...you're totally right...you still have the big guns to use!

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  2. I'm grateful IF isn't baseball and we have more than 3 chances to get our homerun, or at least on base. I'm so sorry for your BFN.

    I too have felt like a fraud taking prenatal vitamins. I've been taking them for 2.5 years - geesh. My nails and hair appreciate it, but they are a daily reminder that I'm only taking them as a precautionary measure and that I'm really not pregnant. Sigh.

    I hope your dreams come true very soon!

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  3. ugh... so sorry my friend. The only silver lining here is that you didn't spend the last two weeks believing you were definitely pregnant because you had all the symptoms (from the progesterone) only to be devastated. That's what happened to me after both of my IVFs.

    I really do have a feeling that IUI is going to work for you. I'm so sorry it wasn't this time.

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  4. So sorry it didn't work.
    I also resented the years of prenatal vitamins and money I was spending on them. I think the only benefit was the super strong nails I had.

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  5. "I'm convinced the cartoon pregnant woman on the bottle is mocking me."

    Love it!

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  6. Its like you are stalking me. I also give in to the mocking women on the brand name to get the $5 Target gift card. Then I chastize myself for not buying generic. Then, after every failed cycle, I refuse to take a vitamin until the next cycle starts. I know it is dumb, but I need some outlet to pout

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  7. Aw, boo... still sucks to see that fucking single line, even if you're fully expecting it. For what it's worth, I bailed on the prenatals early in the game; so many women get knocked up without taking them anyway and their babies turn out fine. But the progesterone? That I would not fuck around with. Anyway, at this point, I also vote for pushing ahead with IVF... IUIs are kind of a waste of time after you've done a couple, really.

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  8. I haven't taken prenatals since our FET failed in March. I felt like you...like a fraud taking these pills in a desperate bid to feel like there was some possibility I might get pregnant. My RE actually chided me about this when I had my endo biopsy, and told me to start them again. I've been doing the DHEA religiously, but still haven't started with the prenatals. Anyway, I'm really sorry round 3 was a bust. But glad that you have a plan and some enthusiasm for moving ahead!

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  9. I felt the same way- almost three years of buying expensive prenatals and nothing to show for it. But as you know, there is research out there that taking prenatals at least three months in advance of a pregnancy helps with a number of issues. Plus I have had fabulous nails for the past three years!

    I'm so sorry that the IUIs were a bust, but they generally are.

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  10. When I was taking Clomid, there was a warning on the bottle to not take it while pregnant (duh), along with a little pregnant woman pic. Really obnoxious.
    I'm sorry this cycle didn't work. But no, you're not out.

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  11. So you know when you keep hearing about someone and you're like we have all the same friends... we should be friends? Sometimes I see other bloggers and it feels like that. Like with your blog! I just read your Father's Day post and it was really beautiful. But I'm commenting on this post, so let me just say I'm genuinely sorry it didn't work out. The "1 in 10 is a winner" analogy works well for this situation, because it feels like good odds, and then hopes are high... ugh. It's so damn unfair.

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  12. When we first started TTC, I had given up deli meats, feta cheese , coffee, wine, etc. Then, I couldn't live like I was pregnant any longer! Everything is back in moderation. I take a regular multi-vitamin, plus folic acid. It's less depressing. Also, nice to know a doctor thinks Target vitamins are ok! Just bought some yesterday and I wasn't sure.

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  13. It honestly felt uncanny reading this post because I have had the EXACT same resentment and debate over prenatal vitamins, right down to the awkward purchasing experiences at Target, hating the cartoon pregnant lady on the bottle, and thinking "If I'm not pregnant by the time I finish this bottle, then..." I honestly thought about writing a post about prenatal vitamins on my blog today, but I was so grouchy I ended up not wanting to write anything. I'm so happy I found your blog. I'll keep reading.

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  14. I am so glad I found this blog and other women that have the prenatal vitamin debate with themselves. I think I might also switch to regular multivitamins and folic acid. No more cartoon pregnant lady mocking me!

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  15. You are most definitely NOT out! I'm sorry third time was not the charm.

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