Saturday, 24 August 2013

Best Laid Plans

It all seems so easy when it's written on paper (truly a figure of speech, typed on a key board seems more accurate). I had figured we would have our last ditch IUI attempt in September before going to Hawaii and start our IVF process when we return. Although, I suppose if it's really much easier when you write it out, I could just script a spontaneous conception with a viable pregnancy.

Anyway, an IUI cycle seemed to be the prefect antidote to moderate male factor and two sets of in-laws who would be visiting during my LH surge. Husband could claim that he needed to run an errand for his work; although as his parents are in the loop, he offered that he could just tell his mother "I'm off to go wank!" Hello, are you a fucking idiot? I asked. "Do you want to think about your mother right before you go into the masturbatorium?" Providing, he could pull that off, I would leave in the middle of the work day to get inseminated and no one in the parental unit would be any wiser. Yet, the reality involves sneaking away to give myself my trigger shot, hiding my progesterone supplements and maintaining my game face in front of my in-laws at the end of the two week wait.

It all gives me pause to laugh. It was just less than a year ago when we were first planning to start IUI treatments, and we actually considered postponing them a few months; in the event that it worked on our first cycle, the impending arrival would coincide with the in-law invasion and the Hawaii trip. I refused to delay. This family fun time holiday was never actually my idea and I wasn't exactly consulted about it. I never really said much when it was discussed between Husband and my parents, I thought it was more of an abstract concept. Then one day it was happening. I didn't want to put our lives and the life of our potential child on hold to accommodate a multi-family vacation. Little did I know it would happen anyway. The spontaneous pregnancy, miscarriage, septum resection and recovery led us to starting IUIs in March.

So now here I am, willingly passing on an opportunity for another treatment that technically doesn't conflict with the trip. It's yet another reminder of how much I've learned and how much I've changed during this process. I never fully appreciated the notion of needing a break during infertility treatments prior to my own experience. I could understand the constrains and some of the rationalisations, but it just seemed counterintuitive. If getting pregnant is your goal and you've been through so many other delays, why chose to wait any longer? There's a voice inside my head that questions my commitment: C'mon, if you really wanted to, you could make this cycle work! Fortunately, the logical part of my brain speaks louder. Yes, I want this, but there are some things I'm not willing to compromise. I already have enough angst surrounding this visit with my in-laws and parents. I will not torture myself by adding the stress of an IUI and 2WW.

The disadvantage of living so far away from your parents and in-laws is that your time off going home is not really a holiday. In particular; even if you are going to Hawaii but can't get laid because you are sharing quarters with your parents and in-laws, then it is not by definition a vacation. We can't even try the 'take a vacation!' approach, as firstly I'll probably ovulate before we leave, and the challenge of sneaking off to find a discreet spot wouldn't add any extra pressure on to Husband...

At least I can enjoy a vacation from infertility treatments. It may not be the vacation that I planned, but probably one that I need. I can "relax" on the beach while knowing that it won't contribute to getting pregnant, just to my well being. Although there will be many moments of frustration and annoyance, there will be a lot of memories to cherish. For the first time, I'm actually starting to look forward to the trip.


  1. I totally understand how you feel. Nobody understands it when you say you need a break from treatments. In fact, my sister often yells at me when I get upset about our infertile status and says, "But, you haven't even done anything yet!" What she means is that we haven't tried IVF yet, so how can I get upset and how can I want to take a break?? I'm so sorry that you had to face another disappointment. My feeling with IF is that you learn to listen to the voice inside you over time. Honor that voice. The TWW is the very worst part of IF and often that's what I need a break from. Our "break" is ending in about 5-6 weeks and I'm trying to balance being positive along with not wanting to take the TWW on once again. Enjoy your vacation! Enjoy your life...well, as much as you can on a family vacation. Thinking of you.

  2. Takings breaks have been so great for me. Mostly, to just be able to stop obsessing over everything you feel, eat, drink & do, even if it's only for a few weeks.

    I hope you enjoy your break and come back to treatments feeling refreshed :)

  3. I used to read about people taking breaks, and also never understood it. Isn't the clock ticking? Don't you want to get this moving as soon as possible? But when we decided to do the three months of DHEA, and took a break from cycling to let that happen, I totally understood it. It was such a relief not to have to think about this stuff for a while. Enjoy your vacation, and drink and eat lots of awesome stuff!

  4. Sometimes you just need a break! And a trip to Hawaii is teh perfect one!!!

  5. I am so glad to hear that you are maybe finding a little bit of excitement for your trip. I would say go for it even with the in laws coming, but I think you are making the right decision. You are already apprehensive about that visit, you don't need to pile onto that a tww. Enjoy the treatment vacation and try to enjoy Hawaii. I would gladly go with your parents and inlaws if you want to trade places! It's okay, I can't right now anyway, but I can daydream about a trip to Hawaii.