I wanna be Sedated

Of all the artificially manufactured states during infertility treatments, suppressing the ovaries, stimulating the ovaries, proliferating the uterine lining, replicating the luteal phase...etc...couldn't this list include inducing selective amnesia or a medical coma during the two week wait? Another item on the list of fertile envy is the fact that these women can just go about their lives, then one day it dawns on her that her period is nearly a week late. She pees on a stick, sees two lines, and you know the rest of the story. They are never forced to endure this tortuous countdown. Many aren't even aware of the two week time frame between conception and a positive test, let alone earn the bonus points for knowing the term 'luteal phase'.

I find that it's not too hard to distract myself for most of the two week wait. At times, I'll forget about the potential for pregnancy and drink some wine or sprinkle some blue cheese crumbles on my salad. For the first week, I can feel relieved to have the IUI completed and I can enjoy the fact that I don't have to navigate the challenge of leaving the office. Yet, in the final few days before D-day, I have to contemplate logistics. I need to get my bits waxed before AF's arrival and I have to eye when I may need to do my day 2 monitoring. I don't want to anticipate a negative outcome, but I must be prepared.

I've thought about the different ways to face the music. Early on, I tried just waited for AF's arrival, which would allow me to feel like a "normal" person. Yet each passing hour just serves to tease me before the ultimate devastation. The advantaged to doing a home test is that I can deal with the results in private and don't have to hide the distracting disappointment while I'm at work. However, the home test can still leave some doubt. Is it just too early? It is a bad test? It's not over until the fat lady (AF) sings. My RE always asks if I want to go for a blood draw. I've been tempted, as I wonder which is harder, willing a blue line to appear on a stick, or pressing play on a voice mail. Then I realise that I don't want to receive the news from Misery, who would have the same monotone matter of fact voice regardless of the results. Additionally, I can't justify the additional health care system costs for a beta that can tell me the same result as the box of tests I stole borrowed from the office. Although I don't have trouble having my blood drawn, I feel that I have to earn it. I'm not going to waste the phlebotomist's time for no reason. If we're at the point of doing betas, I want to see some numbers.

I can manage the first 12 days of the two week wait pretty well. It becomes much harder when it gets reduced to a two day wait. It's so hard not to symptom spot. One week after my IUI, I felt some cramping. Fuck off uterus, I am not falling for this crap again! I've had twinges of nausea, but that's not too unusual for me. Urinary frequency is actually the most commonly acknowledged symptom, but few people pay notice to it. I drink a lot of water, so I already always need to pee. I've noted that my breasts feel fuller and I had my emotional outbursts, which were the only two symptoms I had during my brief pregnancy. I recognise that something feels different this cycle, but I can't quite put my finger on it. If the test does out to be positive, it would feel validating, but if it's negative; it's another form of the body's betrayal.

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go
I want to be sedated..