A fellow blogger once wrote "no one is born with the skills to cope with infertility, it's something we acquire during the process." I think I would also add that your coping mechanisms also evolve based on your experiences. It had been a tough week. After observing our would have been due date to erroneously anticipating a possible pregnancy, we felt like we had experienced an emotional wipeout. "I don't know if I can keep doing this." Husband commented. Mind you, we are still in the minor leagues of infertility treatments.
It feels like the ultimate game of high risk and high rewards. So much is put on the table; financial investments, physical pains, emotional vulnerabilities, with only two possible scenarios. Win the jackpot, or walk away empty. I reminded Husband that on a base level, we do have hope that this could work. If we didn't, then there is no point in going forward. Yet how do you carry your hopes, without becoming too hopeful?
I've decided to induce anterograde amnesia, a loss of an ability to make new memories, or in my case an inability to make potential memories. I'm restricted from daydreaming. I won't let myself fantasize about a positive pregnancy test and the potential milestones that could follow. I won't look ahead to future events and wonder if they could be affected if I were pregnant. I can't ever get ahead of myself again. My focus is only on the here and now. It's one step at a time. One day at a time.