A fellow blogger once wrote "no one is born with the skills to cope with infertility, it's something we acquire during the process." I think I would also add that your coping mechanisms also evolve based on your experiences. It had been a tough week. After observing our would have been due date to erroneously anticipating a possible pregnancy, we felt like we had experienced an emotional wipeout. "I don't know if I can keep doing this." Husband commented. Mind you, we are still in the minor leagues of infertility treatments.
It feels like the ultimate game of high risk and high rewards. So much is put on the table; financial investments, physical pains, emotional vulnerabilities, with only two possible scenarios. Win the jackpot, or walk away empty. I reminded Husband that on a base level, we do have hope that this could work. If we didn't, then there is no point in going forward. Yet how do you carry your hopes, without becoming too hopeful?
I've decided to induce anterograde amnesia, a loss of an ability to make new memories, or in my case an inability to make potential memories. I'm restricted from daydreaming. I won't let myself fantasize about a positive pregnancy test and the potential milestones that could follow. I won't look ahead to future events and wonder if they could be affected if I were pregnant. I can't ever get ahead of myself again. My focus is only on the here and now. It's one step at a time. One day at a time.
It's really hard to stick with anterograde amnesia- but even if you start to fantasize about a BFP or wonder if you will be pregnant at a future event, you can quickly remind yourself to stay away from those thoughts. I started to do this after a while and it was EXTREMELY helpful. It was a good way to make sure that I didn't put my life on hold for infertility.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on this. I have exhausted both myself and L with the cycles of "I think it's really it this time!" It really does make the disappointment harder. You are exactly right, one day at a time is the best way to approach this. Of course, it's easier said than done. But I hope those daydreams will come true soon so you won't have to keep pushing them to the back of your mind.
ReplyDeletePlease, when you figure out how to completely live in the moment, let me know! I have been trying, and there are definitely things that help, but I still find myself daydreaming every single day.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you and your husband had a tough week. I hope focusing on the present moment will help you feel better soon.
Going old school -keep a soft hair tie on my wrist, snap when I start to drift...
Deletethe good 'ole thought stopping method, which unfortunately, does not work very well UNLESS you then immediately, post snap, replace the thought with another thought or activity that is completely incompatible. we should brainstorm for incompatible activities. maybe wine? or baby-hating? i don't know.
DeleteSee, this is how I've been approaching this from the start, and I've had comments to the effect that allowing myself to daydream and visualize might be good for me. As in, it won't make the hurt any less if the cycle is a negative, and it might just make me feel happier and positive in the interim. I guess the lesson is: no matter what you do, this whole thing sucks.
ReplyDeleteOh, it's so hard to not cheat and start daydreaming! I know that with a little self-discipline though, it can help. Maybe you could do some thought blocking and daydream about something completely unrelated to pregnancy and babies when your mind wanders. Sorry you had a tough week.
ReplyDeleteSorry you had such a crappy week.
ReplyDeleteI think living in the moment is a good approach to life in general, not just infertility. It is something I have never been able to do. I am always looking forward and back, never just enjoying what's in front of me. If you figure out how to do it, let me know!
let me know if you figure out how to do this!!! bottle it and sell it!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen the movie "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" Sometimes I wish I could do that. First I'd have to get to the point where this all "resolves itself" (we have a baby, we accept not having a baby, whatever) and then go back and get rid of all the misery. But would that change who I am? I don't know. I just wish the memories didn't have to be so damn painful.
ReplyDeleteSorry this week was bad for you. I know... it fluctuates so much from day to day and week to week. It's hard. I like that description a lot... we aren't equipped for this, but we are strong, and that makes up for it.
I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I'm sorry it's been a rough week.
ReplyDelete