Monday 24 November 2014

See You Tonight

Maybe I'll see you tonight,
Maybe I'll see you tonight

Wherever the night takes you,
Maybe you'll see me too, 

The colder it gets, you won't see me anymore,
but there's still a chance I might walk to your door

Maybe the time is not right,
I won't be seeing you tonight,

Maybe I'll see you tonight,
maybe I'll see you tonight...
-Green Day 

Just a month or so before I removed my IUD to let this adventure begin, I was talking with a close friend and fellow gynae about how our profession would affect our pregnancy experience. "There won't be the same sense of awe and amazement during the first ultrasound, as I know what to expect..." Of course when I said those words I thought it would only take a few months to get knocked up and the initial scan would reveal a perfect viable pregnancy...

You all know the rest of the story, three years of infertility treatments, yada, yada, yada... here we were again, wondering what could be going on inside my uterus. As Dr STIUTK was away, his partner would be performing my scan.  "So did you transfer one or two?" he asked while prepping the ultrasound probe. Fantastic. He hadn't read my chart. It's usually a good idea when you're seeing a patient not familiar to you. This means he also didn't know that I've had two miscarriages, three failed transfers, and yes this was a single transfer with a euploid embryo.

As I answered, I thought about reminding him of what I do for a living, but I decided just to lie back and to remember that I was a patient. Yet, I couldn't silence the clinician inside my brain as he started to scan. Gestational sac is inside the uterus -phew, no ectopic. There's a perfect sized yolk sac with a fetal pole right next to it. Yes, there is the blinking flutter to indicate cardiac activity. I can only see one, the little bugger didn't split! I was also doing a little backseat ultrasounding. Pause it there! That's a perfect view for the CRL measurement! 

It was both the most overwhelming and yet underwhelming moment of my life. My aforementioned friend had told me that my experience during this ultrasound would be observing Husband's reaction. I looked over at him and he just looked puzzled and confused. He wasn't sure what was happening while the doctor was auscultating the heartbeat, while I thought that even at 130 beats per minute, it could have very well been mine.

As I had previously anticipated, Husband kept his stiff upper lip intact until the other RE and New Girl left the room, and then shed a few tears once the door was shut. At last, he had reached his quest of seeing a beating fetal heart on an ultrasound. Even better -it was ours! We shared a collective sigh of relief, while we also acknowledged that we still have a long way to go. We've never made it to this point before. The embryo's measurement was right on track. The word viable is being used to describe it. This was a significant milestone. Yet, at the same time, I can't help to look at that tiny spec and think that's really it?


I know that I sound like a spoilt brat, but the picture from the RE was really anti-climatic.


So I'm embarrassed to say, that I self-scanned for a better one...


Meet our little grain of rice! 

27 comments:

  1. Ugh, I hate when the Dr. doesn't read my chart and then comes into the room and ask's "so what are we doing today?", when I'm there for some sort of monitoring. I'm sorry your profession has taken away some of the magic of your first ultrasound, but glad you could also use it to your advantage to get a better look. Keep on growin' little grain of rice!

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  2. Woo hoo! Love this post. A grain of rice is what you need right now. So happy for your perfectly developing embryo, Jane.

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  3. I just think it's freaking hilarious that you scan yourself! However, you should know that I was betting against you...meaning that I was pretty sure you would have scanned yourself before your actual appointment just so you could be prepared. As for your embryo, I was totally betting on him/her to deliver the goods. :) Great job, kid!

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  4. I just love that you can give yourself an ultrasound! Are you going to find out the sex when the time comes? I am just so happy for you. I have such a good feeling this time around. It almost seems weird to be so happy for someone I don't know in real life, but I've been following your journey for years!

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  5. Congratulations Jane! I am so stoic during scans, I get the impression my Ob thinks someone is wrong with me. It's like when Miranda got her ultrasound and she fakes her excitement. It gets more fun, I promise.

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  6. I am smiling so big right now! Two reasons - #1 because yay! Everything looks exactly as it's supposed to! #2 because you can give yourself a better look. That cracks me up! I'm with Aramis. I thought you'd take a peak on your own first. Oh, I also love the fact that your husband shed a few tears. Yay for such good news! Still a long way to go, but you've made it over this milestone!

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  7. Happy goosebumps again! Yay for a normal looking first scan! +1 - I must own up to the fact that I, too, expected that you might have scanned yourself prior to visiting the RE. Love that little grain of rice!

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  8. Haha! Yes! Love it! I almost emailed you yesterday to check in and see how the ultrasound went. I still can't believe you didn't do the self scan earlier. If I was an OB, I'd assume it was just a perk of the job. Doppler and ultrasounds and dadgum time I feel like it! So happy for you!

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  9. I am so happy for you, Jane! What a difference a year makes! The holidays will feel so different this time around. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  10. Yay! Viable and measuring on time, fabulous! And love that you did a self scan, totally agree that yours is WAY more clear than the REs office. Keep growing little grain of rice!

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  11. Congratulations! I also thought you would have scanned early. I totally would have if I had the knowledge/equipment...and flexibility.

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  12. So so so exciting!!!! I LOVE that you snuck in your own scan!! Yay!!

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  13. hugs. I'm so happy that you are here. Makes me remember the happiness and relief of seeing a heartbeat at ~6 Weeks.

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  14. Yay! I've been waiting for this post! I remember being in a bit of shock at our first ultrasound. Not because it was twins (I was actually relieved it wasn't triplets), but because it was too overwhelming that we were actually there. So, so happy you cleared the latest hurdle.

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  15. Oh yay, yay, yay!!! I'm so happy that your little grain of rice is coming along! What a beautiful sight! I absolutely love that you wanted to take a better picture...I'm a perfectionist myself and completely understand. ;)

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  16. I got little chills when I read that there was a heartbeat! I'm so happy for you!

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  17. Congratulations Jane. I'm just a few days behind you; here's hoping that it stays that way for the next 34 weeks.

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  18. Still so happy for you and happy to see your little grain of rice!

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  19. So happy to see this update! Congratulations! I *hate* the arrival without having read the chart. I always get, "Oh, you are on so many blood thinners. Why is that?" Oh, gosh, I'd love to explain again how I had a baby that was stillborn. Thanks for bringing it up!

    But the important thing is that all looks good right now - such happy news!

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  20. Viable!!! Yay!!!! I am still so thrilled for you Jane! I am looking forward to the next 8 months of updates on your little grain of rice! Maybe her name will be basmati, ha ha!

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  21. Wonderful news! So pleased for you both! XO

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  22. Wow, this is great news, Jane! How exciting! Congratulations!

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  23. Yayyyy!!! Love love love this! Happiest of Thanksgivings to you! XO

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  24. Yay! Hi grain of rice! We are so excited to see you (and only one of you!)! I remember also being like "that's it?" but by 9 or 10 weeks you at least see the arm and leg buds so it looks more human. 12 weeks is the best one before you are so close to getting out of the first trimester and the fetus finally looks human.

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  25. Alright, no Tom Cruise jokes from me here. A lot of women would be jealous you have access to the u/s machine! lol Loving these posts from you. Yay!!

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  26. I am so excited for you!! Congrats!

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  27. Hello grain of rice! I can't wait to watch you grow!!

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