Tuesday 4 February 2014

Life: On Hold

Myopia is another consequence of infertility. In this context, it is defined as the inability to see clearly beyond the next menstrual cycle. Often I'll receive a flyer for a medical education conference in a nice destination, or an out of state friend will suggest getting together some time in the near future. My mind immediately starts processing how far along I would be if I were to become pregnant, or what I would be doing if I were in a treatment cycle. I know I shouldn't be so preoccupied with such hypotheticals. I know I should just say 'oh, fuck it!' I have to live my life after all.

Unfortunately, it feels like we've been penalised so many times for trying to have a life outside of procreation. There have been four occasions when I've ovulated when one of us was away. It's most likely that it would not have made a difference, but we did have one spontaneous conception, so I think it's fair enough to claim that you never know. I travelled over Memorial Day weekend last year (as I was under the impression that my RE's office would be closed, but in fact they were open) and a compromised monitoring schedule missed my follicle's peak maturity. We delayed starting IVF due to our Hawaii holiday with the in-laws. I'm already fretting about the possibility of my trip to Memphis for the Women's Final Four conflicting with a fresh stimming cycle. At least for the time being, I feel I need to ground myself.

I have reached a new phase of planning a consolation event in anticipation of disappointing news. Actually it was Husband who initiated the idea. Last summer he suggested we take a cooking class together, as it's something we've wanted to do for a while. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any classes that were convenient to our schedules. Instead, we decided to join a Cross-fit gym as a treat to ourselves while we were benched for a month. If our transfer doesn't work, I've been contemplating seeking solace with some traditional approaches such as a spa treatment and/or getting intoxicated while dancing with H at our favourite gay bar... However, as I have been playing more tennis recently, I thought about returning to competitive play by entering a Spring flex league if this attempt yields a BFN.

Then, as if the Universe were reading my mind, I received an email from the captain of a local USTA team inviting me to play in the upcoming season. It was completely out of the blue, I haven't seen or spoken to this woman in over three years. Potential pregnancy concerns aside, I had some hesitation as I find the politics associated with USTA leagues to be rather irritating, but it is much more convenient than the individual flex leagues, where you have to contact all your opponents and schedule your own matches. At least with a USTA league match, all I have to do is show up and play.  Yet, that may not be so easy if this transfer actually works. What if I have hyperemesis with this pregnancy? What if I have a subchorionic hemorrhage and need to restrict activities? How do I respond, 'when do you need an answer? I may or may not be getting pregnant.'

It is much different when it is a team situation. I had planned to keep running races and competing in swim meets if I became pregnant, I would just adjust my pace. During our few months of TTC au natural, I was asked to do the swimming leg for a triathlon relay. I wheeled out the dates, if we were to conceive on either the next two cycles, I could have been either 9 or 13 weeks at the time of the event. I had to decline; I knew what time they would be expecting from me and I would feel badly if I couldn't achieve it. It's one thing to be competing for yourself, but another to know that others are relying on you.  I ended up cheering for my teammates from the sidelines, as someone else swam a slower time than I could do. Alas, I may be declining this invitation, I just hope I don't run into her during a flex league match...  

8 comments:

  1. I do this all the time! I've been noncommittal about coaching next fall, but I know I have to make a decision soon - which I'm torn because I'd love to coach next year, but I really hope to be very pregnant then. I also have to decide about playing summer league volleyball soon. I definitely understand what you mean about having a team count on you. In the past, we've even taken months off (using condoms) because of commitments 9 months down the road. Which in our case, is probably unnecessary...but you never know.

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  2. This is the balancing act we all play. We did with our move--surely we'll be pregnant by X date, we should just move after we get pregnant, we're doing it with our summer vacations. I don't want to, but the commitment to other people and treasure isn't easy to make when there's a big question mark over our lives. I guess that's why we compromise with Flex leagues and weekends away within driving distance.

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  3. Sigh. Yes, yes, yes. My cycle has never been consistent (26-37 day cycles), so I always maintained spreadsheets three or four cycles out to see when I needed to be available and in town. It's so debilitating to put so many things on hold, but at the same time, you want to give yourself the best shot at this goal you have in mind. And then sometimes you get pregnant, make decisions based on your due date, and then the pregnancy doesn't work out. :(

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  4. I relate to this so much. Been there, done that. While I've managed to do a fair number of things in the last three years, I've passed on a number I'm not happy about. All because what if I get pregnant. Sigh.

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  5. Been there, done that, like probably all of us in this community. But I'm trying to stop. I was invited to a meeting in Europe in late spring and said yes - but if I get pregnant with this FET I'll most certainly not travel in the second trimester. I figure I can always cancel - but I see your point about team plans, you don't want to let the others down. Sigh. It's so annoying that we have to deal with this on top of infertility.

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  6. I had to do this tonight at dance class. They asked me if I'd be in the recital in June. I told them yes. :(

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  7. Planning a consolation event in case of disappointing news...I highly recommend this also. It is the one and only thing that can keep you sane sometimes. I literally went skydiving in Hawaii once and went to Mexico another weekend....in addition to the spa days & drunken nights, of course. It really does help! It's so hard to find that balance of putting your life on hold to coordinate everything and also try to actually live a life.

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  8. So, something I was thinking about as I was reading this - if you weren't infertile, chances are that you wouldn't give it second thought about joining this league or doing anything else. I think that's maybe a luxery that fertiles have in that they don't necessarily keep track of their cycles so close. They don't plan vacations, sporting events, etc around when they might get pregnant. I'm not familiar with how tennis leagues work, but couldn't you join and then back out later if needed? That way you aren't giving up something you would love to do if your cycle doesn't work, but if it does work you have a perfect reason. I don't feel like I'm explaining my thoughts here very clearly, but maybe you understand what I mean?

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