Monday 15 December 2014

Parting is such sweet sorrow

I've waited for this day with such anticipation from the very first visit with my RE, after I acknowledged that I wished that never needed to meet him in the first place. My final scan confirmed that our embryo's growth is on track and I heard the words, "you are released to your obstetrician." At last, I am free (or at least I hope). So many times I have throught, I can't wait to be done with this process... I am finished with waiting for AF just so I can coordinate my life around my fertility treatments.  I no longer need to sneak out of the office for monitoring appointments.

Yet, at the same time, I don't feel free. I'll be slipping out of the office next week, this time for my own new OB visit. I had to coordinate my NT scan within the designated window of time. My life will continue to be occupied with multiple appointments leading into my twice weekly NST sessions. Further activity and travel restrictions will encroach. This is all before the baby arrives. I hear they can be quite demanding and rather time consuming.

I acknowledge that it sounds so strange to say that I'll miss some aspects as it seems as if I'm exhibiting Stockholm Syndrome. Last year one of my elderly patients was transitioned to an Alzheimer's Care Facility. I gave her daughter my personal contact information and asked her to notify me when she passes. I saw her once a month for over four years. My only parents and relatives don't see me that much. I saw my RE at least once a month for the past two and a half years. I'll miss discussing interesting cases with him, even if the most challenging one, was my own.

There were things that I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to articulate. I wonder what, if anything, he feels he learned from my case study. Evaluate every possible septum even if it is slight and seeminly insignificant. Discuss CCS testing with more patients? (I once mentioned that REIs should feel obligated to present it as an option to every patient) Considering altering the estrogen priming in a patient with a thicker lining? I spoke the words 'thank you', but they felt so empty and inadequate. Yet, at the same time I don't know quite how to say thank you as I don't yet have the full appreication for the object of my gratitude. Even watching our baby moving on the ultrasound monitor it still seems so abstract. I think I'll fully understand my indebtedness if it ever becomes tangible.

Sometimes it still strikes me that over ten years ago, we lived less than a mile from each other on the other side of the country. We worked at the same hospitals, shopped at the same grocery store and frequented the same establishments. Maybe our paths never crossed during that time, or maybe we intersected as annonymous strangers. It seems to represent so much of infertility. It is such a silent and secreative disease. It does not discern or discriminate. Any man or woman, young or old, rich or poor could be affected and no one else could know. Through blogging and joining the IF community, I have found so much comfort from my followers who know the most intimate detials of my life, and yet, they wouldn't recognise me if we passed on a sidewalk.

He acknowledged that it has been a long jouney and wished us well. He shook my hand for the last time and held it a few extra seconds. I think that is as touchy-feely as he gets.

If we meet again, why, shall we smile?
If not, why, then, this parting was well made.
-William Shakespeare
Julius Caesar, Act V, Scene I


11 comments:

  1. Jane - I've been reading along but largely unable to comment (can't figure out how to do that from my phone... so much for babies keeping you busy). I'm so very happy everything is looking so well!
    I saw my MFM for the last time surrounding this pregnancy for my postpartum appointment, and I can very much relate to wanting to express gratitude in such a setting. "Thank you" just doesn't quite seem enough. I did make brownies, and at least his nurse (who did very many insurance phone calls for me) seemed very happy about that.

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  2. I think leaving my RE would have been a lot more bittersweet than it was if she hadn't been so tremendously unhelpful during our donor egg cycle overseas. But she was still insanely happy for us, and I can see how being an RE would be a pretty damn rewarding career at times like those. I bet your RE was even happier for you than he could show. I know I am!

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  3. Glad to hear things are going well and you no longer need an RE! I totally get why it's bittersweet though. They come to play such a huge role in our lives it's weird when they're gone.

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  4. Your Dr. STIUTK always sounded like such a kind man, and a really good match for you. But I'm so glad you're able to leave him. Are you seeing your parents over Christmas? I can't wait to hear how you tell them and Myrtle your news!

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  5. Congrats on your graduation. I can completely relate to how you are feeling now. I can't imagine life without appointments at my clinic. And how do you thank someone for sticking with you, for helping to make your dream come true. I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are paying it forward by helping others everyday in your profession. Sending you much love as always friend.

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  6. Congratulations! the journey goes by so fast (though it feels so terribly slow at times) that it is good to acknowledge these milestones. Since I never got to work with an RE really, I don't exactly relate to that part, but I had similar feelings about "graduating" from the maternity clinic (after AJ was born). It's hard to put the gratitude into words because perhaps we were just another 2 patients to them, but it means so much at the same time. The process does make you really grateful to all the people who helped, especially at the "invisible" parts. (For me a huge part of it was how patient and accommodating the staff were of my (mostly) irrational fears during pregnancy.

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  7. YAY! Happy Graduation! I'm so glad to hear that things are continuing to progress well! Everything sounds great!

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  8. I remember calling to set up a meet and greet with a midwife and being in complete disbelief that this was real. I found going through the first trimester during the holidays made time fly by and I hope you find it does the same for you!

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  9. Yay for graduating... who would have ever thought it would be so much mixed emotions to leave the RE! I felt the same, and now that i have baby here, i plan on bringing him in to meet my RE this week!

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  10. Yay for graduation!! I wasn't sad to leave my RE because I didn't know her very well anyway but I know that some people have great relationships with their REs. But it sounds like your RE, even though he didn't show it, was very excited for you!

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  11. Congratulations Jane! It's hard to say goodbye. They invest so much in getting us pregnant, it seems strange that they don't see the pregnancy through. However, I fell a little bit in love with my ultrasound tech this morning when she told me everything looks great. The heart is fickle, I guess.

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