Thursday 5 November 2015

Haunted

As I had missed the general warm up session of a recent swim meet, I also missed out on getting a parking spot. Fortunately, I managed to find street parking rather close. I had a nice view of the entire facility as I walked toward the Aquatic Centre entrance. The first heats of the 400 Individual Medley were getting started. The warm-up lanes were still pretty busy. Masters swimmers who were not competing were going through some drills. A water aerobic class was taking place in the shallow teaching pool. Despite all this activity, the one object that caught my attention was the diving block for lane one of the long course. Almost two years ago, I sat on that diving block as my RE reviewed the fertilization report from my first IVF cycle.

Two days prior, on Halloween, my RE performed my final follicle count. My estrogen level had plateaued and he felt it was time to trigger. I had been keeping count during my monitoring appointments and I was anticipating having nearly 14 or 15. My RE warned me not to focus [get too excited] on this number, as it would only matter how many were mature. The detail that he failed to explain to me, was that my estrogen level would correspond to the projected number of mature eggs. As I peaked at 1500, he figured 6-8 mature eggs. I felt that number was very insufficient. We would maybe get 4-5 to fertilise, and possibly have 1-2 to transfer, which wouldn't make it worth doing pre-implantation genetic screening. I could sense this cycle was going to be a failure. Instead of asking important questions about my prospects for this retrieval, I distracted myself with trivial details; could I swim the day after my retrieval?

As I left his office, Myrtle texted me a photo of little Myrtle in the most adorable lamb costume. I had managed to hold it together while I sat across from my RE, but this picture prompted my breakdown. Tears, sobs, it was a full on ugly cry. Adding insult to injury; Myrtle had included me in a group text. Like hitting 'reply all', the other mothers included in the group texted pictures of their kids in Halloween costumes. I had plans to attend a costume party at a local bar later that night. As I prepared to bring my trigger shot in my purse, I thought about whether or not it was appropriate to be administering my all important trigger shot in the bathroom at a bar? I was filled with so much doubt that I knew it really wouldn't matter. Husband and I went out to dinner, as we wanted to avoid being home and needing to attend to trick-or-treaters. Moments after we walked out of the restaurant, I burst into tears again. More uncontrollable sobs. Husband knew there was no way I could hold it together, and he called our friends to inform them that would would not make it to the party. All this was triggered by the sight of a diving block.

As I unpacked my car and snapped my daughter's infant seat into her stroller, I felt validated and finally fulfilled. All the doubts and fears I felt as I was sitting on that diving block were confirmed. It would take the second transfer from my second stim cycle to finally produce our baby. A year later, on another Halloween, I received the beta results that indicated that Jate was on her way. Here we are, another year later. She wouldn't cooperate for a Halloween photo.



11 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Flashbacks are unnerving in the way they take you to a different time and place. Very glad that this Halloween you made happy memories. Jate is a beautiful sight, tears and all.

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    1. Oh yeah, that photo IS going in the baby book!

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  3. Hahaha. I secretly love crying kids in Halloween costumes. Precious and hilarious at the same time. So thankful Jate is here to celebrate all of the holidays with you!

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  4. I've had a couple of flashback moments as well, and it always takes a second or two to snap out of it and realize you're kn the other side now. We got some grumpy Halloween pics as well, but I have to say I'm hoping Q really holds out for a wailing Santa pic. It would be so classic, I think of he smiles I might actually be disappointed.

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  5. Crying holiday pictures are hilarious. I love Jate's bunny hat!

    I'm also hoping for a crying Santa pic. Izzy didn't see Santa last year, but she sat on the lap of one of the Three Kings while we were in Spain. She was unsure of what was going on, but no crying.

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  6. Flashbacks are no joke. I'm so happy Jate is here to make your Halloween's better! I love a crying baby in a costume! Ha ha!

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  7. Fulfilled. I love that word. and I love how far you've come and your happy ending.

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  8. I just love you so much as a mama who would post your child's non-hallmark moment. :)

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  9. This post has me smiling so much, especially once I got to the end and saw baby Jate. Cuteness overload even when upset and crying! It really is amazing to look back at all we've gone through to get where we are today with our babies.

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  10. Lots of loud...... It was really amazing post. While reading your post I enjoyed too much. It was haunted. When I saw your title that haunted I thought that something haunted would be there. But it was too much funny. Thank you so much for making all of us laugh.
    IVF Centre in India

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