Tuesday 22 January 2013

Welcome to the Occupation

A few friends IRL have asked what it has been like for me to work in obstetrics while we're struggling to conceive. For the most part, it doesn't bother me. I've been in this job for so long, and for the majority of my career I wasn't interested in procreating. I learned a long time ago to divorce myself from the emotional aspect and view pregnancy as a clinical process. At the most, I'm finding it hard to distract myself right now. I see all of our newly pregnant patients and perform their initial ultrasound. It's truly a privilege to be able to share that experience with those couples who have a viable pregnancy and when it's a heartfelt, happy moment. Lately, I've been wondering if I'll ever have that experience on the other side of the ultrasound wand. At the point in time when I wasn't interested in getting pregnant -and even in the early months of trying to conceive- I had a blasĂ© attitude toward my own potential ultrasound. It's what I do all day, so wouldn't be anything surprising or exciting. Myrtle and a few other friends tried to tell me, 'but it will be different when it's your own!' I couldn't appreciate it at that time. 'No, it will still look the same...' I countered. Co-worker suggested that the appreciation during my scan would not necessarily be seeing the ultrasound images (which are so familiar to me), but seeing Husband's reaction to them. Okay, I relent. If I ever have a viable pregnancy, I will perceive the experience of seeing our baby for the first time as a big deal. I may even shed a tear or two. Previously, I had also rejected the notion of doing the "3-D" novelty ultrasound. It's a lot of money to obtain creepy alien-like images of your baby. I changed my mind when I saw a mother with her daughter during her first ultrasound. I want my mother to have this experience too.  There were a few instances this year when I had a newly pregnant patient who had the same last menstrual period date as I did, and her ultrasound images confronted me with a reminder of what could have been if our procreation was successful. Following my miscarriage, I had a few patients who had an LMP a day or two off from mine, but so far no one with the exact date. Then one day I had a patient who hadn't restarted her period after stopping breastfeeding, and she had no idea how far along she was. I was using our older ultrasound machine, which doesn't automatically calculate the due date. While the patient was getting dressed, I went back to my office and spun her measurements in the gestational wheel of fortune. There it was. 5 August 2013. I laughed quietly to myself and set the wheel down. This particular patient was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve and endometriosis during her infertility work up. After successful IVF, she delivered twins less than a year ago and consistently used progesterone only birth control pills while breastfeeding. Ever reminded that fertility is a such a fucker.

9 comments:

  1. My family Doctor tells me every time I see him that "it only takes one!" and I always think "yeah, whatever" but he's right.. it just takes one little rascal for a miracle, and I guess your patient was one of them! I'm glad that you are not tormented by your occupation in the midst of TTC, because that would make each day a lot tougher to get through.

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    1. I does amaze me that for much scientific explanation there is, exception still happen. She went from two having two fertility obstacles to a contraceptive failure! Science is always right, just not always predictable!

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  2. Omg I had no idea you worked in obstetrics! Yeesh, that is seriously intense... but do you feel you're better than other techs or doctors at being able to give bad news when the ultrasound reveals problems? I don't know, I think if I knew that the person doing it had gone through IF crap themselves, it would make me feel better...

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    1. Giving the news of a bad ultrasound is so hard, I can honestly say it doesn't feel any different after going through it myself.

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  3. Thanks for your post. As you know, I spend 40 hours a week tring to prevent unintended pregnancy. I first, I thought i was going to start hating my job. A year later, I still love it. I can't get pregnant when I want to, which sucks. But that dosen;t mean I want my 12-18 year old students to accidently get pregnant when they dont want! I want everyone to have timed, wanted pregnancies, so I still love my job! Glad you shared this experience!

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    1. Really? I would totally be like, "Nah, he's right, you can't get pregnant the first time or if you do it on a Wednesday or if you eat a mango right before." And then when they came to me all knocked up I'd adopt their babies. You're a better person than me.

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  4. The gestational Wheel of Fortune...I love this. It sounds like a fertility game show. "I'd like to buy an embryo, please."

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  5. One of the things that hurts about teaching is when a parent asks if you have kids. Almost as if what you say is not legitimate unless you have your own. Blech.

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