Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Thanks, Masturbation!

Yes, I actually have a shirt with those words. I'll explain the 'why' in just a second, but in the event that an IUI or IVF cycle actually produces a child, we thought we'd give it to our son or daughter when he or she is old enough to understand the, 'here's how babies are made...and this is how you were conceived...' conversation. So, the shirt is from a program I did to promote the Midwest Teen Sex Show. The MTSS was a series of podcasts hosted by a woman who had her first child as a teen and wanted to discuss the dangers of sex, drugs and rock and roll in a format that would connect with young people. The program debuted with a skit discussing Female Masturbation, where the host promoted self exploration as a method of sexual discovery that avoids the possibility of pregnancy and infections. She also describes that the release of endorphins creates a natural high, which makes masturbation the ultimate anti-drug. The scene cuts to an adult actress who is dressed as a young girl (complete with pigtails, cowboy hat and knee socks). She is skipping down the sidewalk, lollipop in hand when a junkie approaches her and offers an array of drugs. "No thanks," she politely declines "I'm going to go home and masturbate!" She then looks into the camera and offers a cheesy grin and a thumbs up, "Thanks, Masturbation!"

An episode of the brilliant BBC comedy Coupling featured a couple going through an infertility evaluation. An American version of the show was attempted, but failed as much of the humour didn't translate or was cut by NBC censors. Additionally, there isn't an American version of a Welsh character. The said Welshman [Jeff] was about to get it on with a woman way out of his league, when they were interrupted by his mobile phone.  "I have to go" he tells her "Steve needs me to go to his flat, pick up some porn, his pillow and a snack and meet him at this address". "Why?" she asks earnestly. "I don't know," he admits, "I didn't think to ask." It turns out Jeff's friend Steve is in the 'special room' at a fertility clinic, but is having trouble with the task at hand. Steve started to explain that he took issue with the porn selection (he prefers lesbian only) but then reveals there were other troubling aspects. "I had to book an appointment, and check in with a receptionist." he details, "There are not supposed to be appointments for masturbation. It's done in secret when there's an opportunity. There is no receptionist for masturbation". What he objected to most, was the notion that "I'm being asked to masturbate...for a good cause." Thus without the sense of wrongness and shame that was so familiar to him during the process, he couldn't rise to the occasion.

Seriously, what words of encouragement can you offer to your partner when he is headed off to the masturbatorium? (yes, that is an official term) 'Good luck'? 'Go get 'er done'! or 'Lie back and think of England'. I decided you can never go wrong with a StarWars reference: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!


  1. Every time M goes in there, it seems that other guys are in and out and he's still in there for what feels like forever. I always tease him that he's complimenting himself, rubbing his own back, lighting a few candles, getting himself in the mood...he goes along with it. It's our little joke now.

  2. Hilarious! You can never go wrong with StarWars!

  3. OMG I LOVE Coupling! That was a seriously funny show!

    1. You know what I'm talking about! That episode never would have flown over here!

  4. Too funny! When I saw the title of your post, I had to check it out. We can so relate.

  5. Haha, we were fortunate enough to live a 15-minute drive from our clinic, so my hubby always did his business at home and then we tucked the cup into my cleavage to keep it warm on the drive there. However, jerking off at 7 a.m. before you've even rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and you're on a deadline is NOT EASY! He always managed to "produce" within 5 minutes -- often would even manage a "double deposit" as he called it -- so pretty much a superstar in that dept. :)

  6. My husband had SO much trouble with this when we first started. It was actually quite traumatic for awhile! haha! Now he feels he has a system and can get it done :) Maybe if I'd used the Star Wars reference, it would have made it easier on him! lol

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