Monday 10 February 2014

So, do you have any kids?

The intention is an innocuous attempt at engaging in small talk, but it opens a pandora's box of emotions. I tend to answer, "I have two beautiful cats." I think it throws people a bit, as I don't think many expect 'cats' to follow the adjective 'beautiful' (although, they are gorgeous). I've thought a bit about how my answer is perceived when it's one of my patients asking the question. If it's one of my pregnant teenaged patients, I wonder if it makes them feel more scared; OMG, this birth process must be really bad if even she won't do it! When I was in my late twenties and early thirties, the nods and gentle laughs that I received seem to convey, ahh, she's probably just too focused on her career right now... Now that I'm inching closer to forty, I'm starting to perceive a different thought process from the looks that I receive; maybe she's infertile...or just selfish...

Included among the many difficult aspects of infertility, is the fact that the alternative of living child free, is not widely accepted. Couples without children are sometimes viewed as being deviants. Heartless souls who are immune to the sweet nature and innocent whims of angelic tots. Self-centered bastards who would rather indulge in sports cars and exotic holidays. Child free families are often forced to defend their decision to the nosy naysayers who insist "someday, you'll change your mind" and criticise "your life just won't be fulfilled without having kids!" One of my friends in the empty womb club confessed that at times she lied about having infertility issues, in an attempt to stop the inquisition. That only led to the usual advice we all know too well... "Did you try [fill in the blank]? What about adoption? So-and-So tried for years to get pregnant, then they adopted a baby and now she's pregnant with twins!"

Additionally, from parking spaces to tax breaks, there are a variety of benefits granted to parents. I'm not saying they are not warranted or justified, I'm just asking that we [as a larger society] not pretend that they don't exist. There are times when child free couples are treated as second class citizens. It can be quite apparent in the work place. An RPL blogger recently wrote how her office had a staff meeting to discuss how to fairly allocate time off around the holidays. One of her co-workers commented in a bitter tone that "those of us with kids would like to be able to spend time with them." Thus, proclaiming that any parents in the office should receive priority status with their requests. There are times when it feels like child free employees are expected to pick up the extra slack and there seems to be two separate standards for parents and non-parents.

I'm also not claiming that as a child free individual that you can't use this to your advantage. Impress your boss by putting in the extra hours and maybe the nod for a promotion will go your way. While I was in my early twenties, I worked in an office and was the only employee without children. I signed up to work the early shift, as inevitably, someone would need to leave early to tend to a child and I would finish her shift. Cha-ching! it was overtime pay for me. One Friday I made plans to meet up with a friend after I finished my hours. My supervisor approached me to ask if I would cover for Brenda who got a call from the school nurse that her daughter had a fever. Hmmm, this supervisor didn't seem to notice that Brenda's kids seem to get sick almost every Friday. Monday too. When I explained that I had plans after work, she countered that Brenda had to leave as she has a sick child, but my plans were non-obligatory, and I could call my friend and arrange to meet at a later time. It was one thing when I was the eager beaver willing to pick up extra work, but I resented that it had become seemingly expected of me.

A few months later, I had to leave work early as I had left my laptop in the biology lab where I was taking evening classes. It was the day before Thanksgiving, the campus would be closing early and I needed to finish my application essays over the weekend. There was a skeleton crew working that day (including Brenda, who didn't have any available PTO) and I figured they could cover for me for a change. When I returned on Monday, I was written up for "abandoning my shift". The practice manager and my supervisor didn't accept the urgency of reclaiming a laptop. All the times I covered for others didn't earn me any credit either. As I needed the job, I just sat quietly and took my licks and I resisted asking 'would I have a mark on my file if it had been a sick child and not an inanimate object?' A few months later, I received an acceptance letter. Abandoning my shift paid off for me in the long run. Yet, fifteen years later I am still pissed about the fact that I have a demerit on my permanent record.

Perhaps this is why infertiles bond so deeply and the IF community is so strong. We're being rejected by the Mommies' club, but we're not water carriers with the child free crowd. We don't always resent some of the privileges that come with parenting, as it's what we're hoping for for ourselves. Yet, it just feels like another level of unfairness to also endure the burdens bestowed on the child free. The expectations that you can work late when needed. The implications that you prefer your lavish lifestyle over the pitter-patter of tiny feet. Relegation to the bottom of the pecking order for time off around the holidays. A fellow blogger who miscarried at the same time when her co-worker announced her pregnancy, described how she was later required to carry heavy stuff for her colleague as if she were an infertile mule.

"So, do you have any kids...?" I don't quite have an answer that explains, no I'm not afraid of child birth, but I am terrified about getting stretch marks and ruining my figure. Although, I'm probably not hot enough to be this vain, I work really hard to maintain what I have! Yes, I was too focused on my career for many years and probably missed any window for a natural conception, but ironically, if I hadn't been so driven, we may not be able to afford fertility treatments. Yes, I am infertile, but being selfish has at times become a coping mechanism. It may not be my choice to be child free, but it is my prerogative to embrace it. Isn't this all expressed with "Yes, I have two beautiful cats..." 

14 comments:

  1. Well said. Your words are perfect, they capture the emotions and frustrations and expectations to a T. I was amazed to see my work only accepted for me to take a short few days to recover from a surgery and mourn an ectopic pregnancy. Then to see the expectations even moreso raised once I had my second miscarriage, no one would cover the work I had, so I miscarried while working. I was utterly disappointed at my coworkers lack of sympathy. I joined the club of "well, if she can't have kids, of course she's willing to work whatever is needed". Now I've decided I don't care, so when asked that lovely question my answer is yes, however, they are no longer with us. It stops the conversation dead in it's tracks and lets me walk away with pride that I do belong. Just not with the regular mommies.

    Great words, love it! Thank you for sharing!

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  2. You said this so perfectly. We've had a couple days this winter where school has been cancelled for snow or cold, and our Pres gave parents a pass to come in late or just stay home (without using PTO). Feels really unfair to the TWO of us stuck at the office just because we don't have children.

    I don't even have cats, so my answer is just a really awkward "Nope."

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  3. i hate when people ask this question since its inevitably followed by "WHEN" are you having kids which i find even more awkward and offensive... i'm still trying to think of the appropriate snarky without seeming overly snarky answer for the when part, but i like using animals as the stand-in. will totally start doing that from now on! LOL!

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  4. I've been dealing with this lately, at the exact time that I really wish I didn't have to. Two weekends ago my bosses were frantically running around looking for someone to come in on Sunday. As the only non-parent (and since everyone's kids seemed to have plans) I volunteered. When I got my BFP that morning, I found myself happy and (tentatively) thinking about how when I was off on mat leave in 9 months I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Then, this past Friday, the same thing happened (which at this point should have been anticipated and scheduled well before Friday afternoon). Being no longer pregnant, I was in a royally bad mood and made a much bigger deal about constantly being the only one available because I as the only one without kids. I told my boss she needed to set up an OT schedule as I wasn't going to be giving up my weekends all the time just because everyone presumed I had no life just because I was childless. I felt like a bitch, but it wasn't fair and now there's a schedule. And I'm not on it for the foreseeable future because I did two weekends in a row.

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  5. Ever watch Sex and the City, in the episode where Carrie's $500 shoes get ruined and the party hostess refuses to pay? And then Carrie calculates how much she has spend on wedding and baby shower gifts, and it comes out to way more than $500, so she makes a registry for herself at Manolo Blahnik? This reminds me a lot of that. It's like, just because my life is different than yours doesn't make it any less valid or important. I'm "lucky" enough to work for a company that doesn't discriminate - they expect everyone, parents and non-parents included, to be at work, working crazy hours, come hell or high water. But you know what? Sometimes I leave right on time just because I have a husband to come home and cook dinner for. And two fur babies who sit at the window watching for me to get home. So screw the people that don't understand that. It's total crap.

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    1. That episode is a magnificent representation of the double-standard for parents and non-parents!

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    2. I was going to comment about the same episode!

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  6. Grateful for my work as most people do not have young children. In fact, most of them are single and not married. So we don't have that kind of problem with child-free people covering for people with children. It sucks though to be the one picking up other people's slack.

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  7. I think this is a very appropriate answer. And I'm sure your cats are beautiful. Reading what you describe I'm sometimes glad that many of my colleagues don't have kids (yet). It is rather the opposite - I had wondered if I'd need to defend my choice to have kids. But on the upside, no double standards. And I agree with the second to last paragraph - we don't fit in with either crowd. Both make us feel awkward, and remind us of all the things we don't have.

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  8. My heart sunk when you gave the example of your friend feeling like an infertile mule, carrying heavy things for her pregnant co-worker. I don't even know these people and I want to go to battle for them...and for you too of course.

    So true, there are so many double standards. My older sister is 42 and childfree by choice, and she has definitely gotten an earful over the years. In many ways, she has been one of the only people that has understood how hurtful comments can be sometimes, even though she's in a completely different situation. I'm glad you can see that the path you've traveled may not be without struggle, but it's also not without benefits and it's brought you to a place where you're able to try and have a fighting chance still!

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  9. If there is one thing I really learned from infertility, it's that people ask loaded/inappropriate questions all the time. Sometimes people think they are asking an innocent question and other times I think they should really know better. After 4 years of answering "when are you two going to have kids?" (to which I almost always replied, even in the midst of treatment that we were adopting) I have learned not to ask people personal questions anymore. I no longer ask a couple who have been dating forever if they are going to get married for example.

    I hate that there are so many double standards but I'm glad that you are embracing child-free (and your sexy figure!)

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  10. Oh I hate hate hate hate hate HATE that question. I hate how it is such a "normal" and nonchalant conversation starter for people... People who have not suffered from IF. :(. XOXO

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  11. Thanks for the mention! Oh, the irony...if you didn't work so hard, you wouldn't be able to afford IF treatment. My standard answer for this question is always "Not yet" and I never elaborate.

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  12. We'll I'm a little pissed off on your behalf as well, that you would be written up for that after being the one to fill in so many shifts yourself! That is extremely unfair, even if it did happen so long ago. I really just don't see why it is so looked downs upon if someone chooses (or doesn't choose, in the case of an infertile) not to have kids. I must admit, I am always extremely curious when I meet couples in their late 30's/40's plus and they don't have kids. I want to know why, but not in the sense of being judge mental, but just wanting to know their story. Of course, I don't ask though.

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