Monday, 2 December 2013

Carpe Diem

This time around, Husband and I decided we would approach the pregnancy very cautiously. We cannot get ahead of ourselves. Just focus on one task at a time. The next beta result, the first ultrasound and the ones that follow. The genetic testing and the anatomy ultrasound. If we pass all those markers, then we can accept that we're not merely pregnant, but actually having a baby. Thus, I refuse to calculate my due date. We won't allow any discussion about how and when we'd disclose the news. I've not purchased a single pregnancy or baby related item. While I was shopping for greeting cards, I retreated as soon as I walked near the New Baby section.  So far, in the first ten days since we received the news, we've managed to hold to this commitment. Husband's one slip was asking about my short term disability offerings at work and how I would arrange my maternity leave. I placed my hands over my ears and started singing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" Finally, I discovered an event that I could get excited about, without getting ahead of myself. I needed to refill my progesterone in oil.

Like any savvy infertile consumer, I wanted to do some price comparisons, so I didn't order the PIO with my initial shipment of stimming meds. Of course, I also thought we'd be doing a FET in the new year and I could apply the cost of the PIO to my 2014 FSA expenses. After my retrieval, my RE instructed me to start my luteal phase support in the event that we would need to do a fresh transfer. This meant that I would have to purchase locally as Freedom Fertility wouldn't be able to ship in time. I went to a compounding pharmacy that I use for some of my patients and they also prepare our kitty Prozac. I had a print-out from Freedom and I asked the pharmacist if he could beat their price. "Oh definitely" he replied and then added, "We'll also apply our employee discount for you." Oh yeah, I've got connections.  

When I picked up the prescription, the pharmacist asked, "Is this what I think it's for?" I nodded. He then revealed that he and his wife were infertile. Their first two IVF cycles were unsuccessful. They transferred any embryos they had on day 3 and never had any that made it to the freezer. After their second BFN, the switched clinics and did a new stimming protocol which yielded 5 blastocysts. A fresh single embryo transfer resulted in their now two year old son. He noted that they were preparing to do another transfer soon. I was immediately comforted to have found a kindred spirit. It meant a lot to know that not only was I supporting a local business, but I was being supported by a pharmacist who prepared my PIO knowing exactly what is involved with receiving this prescription.

The pharmacist spotted me while I was waiting at the counter for my refill and approached me. I quickly filled him on the details including the day 3 transfer of two embryos and my most recent beta results, while pointing out that we were feeling extremely cautious. "When is your transfer?" I asked. "Oh, we already did it. It didn't work." he revealed. Oh, fuck.  I had now become that person who showers her good news in front of someone nursing a BFN. They must have done their transfer just days after ours. I was so self consumed at our first discussion that I didn't ask any details and simply presumed it was going to be in a month or so. I quickly expressed that I was sorry to hear about their disappointing news and inquired about the next steps. They'll take December off and transfer two fro-yos in January. I etched that in my mind, should I find myself back in the pharmacy at that time. Alas, it was another reminder that for an infertile, not even something as innocuous as disclosing your pregnancy is as smooth as you envisioned.

Co-worker came back to work recently, and as we were chatting, I asked how her SIL is doing. "Miserable" she replied thought somewhat gritted teeth. "She [the SIL] says that these two assholes are making her miserable." O-oh. "She wrote that on Facebook." Co-worker added. Ew. I was now cringing a little. I could tell that such comments really angered Co-worker, but as I've previously mentioned, her SIL is not a normal person. She's truly a piece of work -and we're not talking art.

Actually, I pitied her. Although I've been lamenting a bit how it sucks that infertiles have to feel so cautious and guarded even after finally becoming pregnant, perhaps we have a deeper appreciation. Co-worker's SIL never had to wait more than two months to see two lines on a stick, could she understand the elation that follows when you've waited more than two years? It was easy for her to take her pregnancy for granted as she's never had the promise of a baby snatched from her uterus. I may not yet be excited or be able to think about the future, but it affords me more opportunity to treasure the present. Each day I'm thankful to be pregnant. Although, it's been tough enduring this two week wait leading to our ultrasound, at times it wish it were longer. I know that each task or each test could bring us closer to the end. I want to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as I can. Carpe Diem.


  1. You've always got such good/interesting stories to share! I cannot believe that SIL, although you are right. She will never fully understand the blessings she's truly been given. Very nice that your pharmacist understands the process. However, even though we are more sensitive to what we say to people, we can still find ourselves saying things we shouldn't. Funny how that works sometimes. It took a long time for my husband and I to really engage in our pregnancy this time around. He truly pretended I wasn't even pregnant until I was about 10 weeks. Then it was cautious optimism. Now he can hardly contain himself! I really hope that you and your Hubby get to that point as well!!

  2. Can we share this boat? :o) I feel SO similarly. I also refuse to calculate an EDD. Me, HB, and the clinic are the only ones who know what's going on. My HB started talking about planning for next Thanksgiving (assuming positive out come)...I shut down the conversation within seconds. OH NO. Today...I'm trying to get through TODAY. That's all I have in me to do. Keeping everything crossed for BOTH of us :o)

  3. I have such a superstition about buying baby stuff. I didn't allow myself to buy anything until after my 8 week ultrasound that confirmed a heartbeat. My Mother in Law has been going CRAZY buying stuff since day 1 though, and it made me a little nervous in those very early weeks.

    You sound like you are in such a good place mentally/emotionally with this pregnancy. I am so glad to hear it & I can't wait to read about your ultrasound!

  4. I completely agree that, as sucky as it is that we have these experiences under our belts, they allow us to cherish the good news when it comes in a way that most are not able, or simply take for granted. In that strange way at least, I feel blessed.

    I think it's really cool that you had those conversations with that pharmacist, even if it did lead to an awkward moment.

    This time around, I was so so cautious throughout the whole first tri, really. My husband was able to be much more excited and optimistic, which was nice because it gave me hope, but also sometimes kind of tiring since I couldn't muster that feeling myself. Eventually though, I was able to remind myself that enjoying things now won't effect the outcome either way, and at least this way I can get some pleasure from the experience. Living in fear ALL the time is so tiring! I really hope everything continues to go smoothly for you guys and that you'll soon be finding reason to celebrate and plan. After all this time,you deserve that!

  5. I think this is a good point. We may not get to be naive, but we do get to be a little more grateful!

  6. I know that if I ever manage to get pregnant, I'm going to be this exact same way. I'll WANT to get excited, but I'll be so terrified of allowing myself to actually BE excited and then be disappointed. Day by day is the best way to take things until then. (Also, am I the only one who always thinks of "Dead Poet's Society" when I read "carpe diem"?)

  7. Yes I agree that taking it day by day is great. And what kind of people would say such thing about their own children... on facebook? It's mind boggling.

  8. The "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" made me laugh :)
    I'm very impressed you manage to take this day by day. I'm planning to do the same if/when I get pregnant again, but I imagine it'll be hard not to get carried away by thoughts of the future, both positive and negative or scary ones.
    I'm glad your pharmacist understands what you're going through, but so sorry it didn't work for them this time round. The Facebook SIL though... incredible.

  9. I have no words for the SIL. What the...? Who refers to their unborn children like that on FB?
    I know what you mean about not wanting to get excited. I was so guarded. I wish I could have been as excited for myself as other people were for me. I hope you get to that place where you finally get to start thinking about the future and the baby that will be part of it.

  10. My husband and I used to talk a lot about "when we have kids..." That's feeling a lot more like an "if" now instead of a when. Even if I do manage to get pregnant, I'm sure it's going to be less of an exciting time and more of a 9-month wait to find out if we actually get to keep the baby. I hope you are able to find a little excitement and enjoy this time of pregnancy.

  11. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you :) Of course I understand the reservations, but I think your carpe diem attitude is wonderful. Wishing you the best with your upcoming ultrasound.