Wednesday 3 July 2013

Business Time!


About five years ago, my friend H introduced me to the New Zealand folk duo Flight of the Conchords when she played a clip of their song, Business Time. I encourage everyone to watch it (especially if you need a good laugh) but basically it discusses how when you're married or in a long term relationship, sex seems like a weekly chore -just like taking out the recycling. Husband and I still refer to the fact that Wednesday is the day for business time (which is also our neighborhood recycling day and coincidently my swim team designated the day as "Sexy Underwear Wednesday")

The aspect of sex as a marital duty adopts an even greater obligatory feeling while you're trying to conceive. Scheduled coitus is just so un-natural and so awkward. In our very early days, I wanted to keep the process spontaneous, but soon discovered that Husband can't keep his hands off himself. More pressure was added to the situation when we learned of the issues with his sperm count and found that we needed to coordinate a three day run up with my erratic ovaries. Spontaneity continues to decline the longer you're trying to conceive, as it's inevitable that your partner will learn your cycles and can determine your fertile time. My medical assistant and I would often find it creepy when a husband or boyfriend answers the question "when was your last menstrual period?" and it's still a little weird, but I can understand why he knows the date.

It's so hard not to feel the pressure, and I can almost agree that the "just relax!" campaigners have a point here, but it's much easier said than done. Once the anxiety has been released, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. Not only does the process of procreation bring a sense of obligation, it changes the meaning of the act away from intimacy and pleasure. On that note, can we acknowledge much the modern male has evolved his focus to ensuring his partner's satisfaction? Although I did recently catch a very old episode of Friends in the one where Joey participates in a fertility study and can't conduct any of his own "research projects". As his new girlfriend is eager to jump in the sack, Monica encourages him to "be there...for her" -a concept he fails to grasp...

Now the tables are turned, and it's all about him. While not delivering a Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally performance, I admit that at times I've provided some false encouragement rather early to signify that I am sorted and that he is good to go. The longer things seem to take, means it's not a good sign. Two minutes in heaven is much better than thirty minutes or more. The nerves set in and I can sense his frustration. Even though he's a willing participant, it starts to feel a little creepy. Sort of like when you were at your first make-out party and let the guy you paired with get further than you intended...

I know it's merely a mental block. Many years ago when I was playing tennis, I was struggling with my forehand and my opponents were exploiting that shot. I signed up for a private lesson to correct it. The pro hit a few strokes with me and then started feeding exclusively to my backhand. I looked at the clock and was becoming annoyed. We were fifteen minutes in and not working on what I had specified. He just kept drilling the backhand and then randomly threw me a forehand. I ran over and hit a perfect clearcut winner. "There was nothing wrong with your mechanics" he informed me, "it was all between the ears". I hope that is the case once more.  

11 comments:

  1. It amazes me how much our mind plays an impact on our bodies! And you are so right about scheduled sex. The only good thing that happened out of our severe infertility diagnosis was it took the TTC aspect out of sex. We know we don't have a hope of conceiving, so we just enjoy ourselves. I always try to make Andino feel better by telling him I'd rather be with a guy who is great in bed but infertile than fertile and a bore in bed.

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  2. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Flight of the Conchords. CP and I joked that we would play Business Time at our wedding reception (we didn't but it would have been hilarious).

    There are definitely mental blocks with both females and males. The worst is when you think "don't think about it" and then you ruin it.

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  3. That tennis coach's mad skill is exactly why sports psychologists can make bank. There is so much mind involved! The same is true with sex psychologists. And when someone tells you to just remind yourself to relax, it's kind of like someone saying, 'on the count of three, don't think about green skittles.' Did you try it? It's impossible. The act of trying to relax is in direct competition of the act of actually relaxing. It's tough!!

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    1. I am now thinking about green skittles...

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  4. LOL on the Business Time video! Thanks, I really needed that laugh today :) I completely understand about the pressure and lack of spontaneity while ttc. Since learning that we won't be able to ttc for the next several months because of my upcoming surgery, I haven't wanted to have sex period. I find myself thinking, "What's the point if we aren't trying right now?" and then I immediately feel guilty. It's like you know that fun, silly, sexy version of yourself is still in there somewhere, but she seems to be hibernating. It makes me feel like an old grouch and I hate it. It's so not who I really am. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, and I wish I had some helpful advice, but all I can say is I understand!

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  5. You know, if anyone would have told M that he would have been having sex every day for a week in the early stages of our marriage, I'm sure he would have been stoked. But then once we started TTC and started doing our own timed intercourse based on my charts, the bloom quickly came off that rose. I suppose it doesn't help when your wife starts crying occasionally post-coitus. I don't think we even know what spontaneous sex is like anymore, although I find spicing stuff up can help.

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    1. "I'm not wearing vaginal suppositories..." Best seduction line that you will never read in Cosmo...

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  6. After years of timed intercourse, we still haven't gotten back to normal. Or at least I haven't. SH is ready at all times. I have found it really hard to flip the switch back from "chore" to "fun". It's like IF brainwashed me or something.

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  7. It's amazing how we can all relate to this so much. It definitely does become ALL about the husband, and two minutes is absolutely better than 30 when it comes to NEEDING that sperm! We left that stage a long time ago, when we came to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen for us, at least not naturally. I agree with JenS, sometimes it's hard to get back to the fun, rather than the chore.

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  8. I so appreciate your frankness on the subject. 2 minutes is the way to go!

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