Thursday 18 July 2013

You're not pregnant -are you?


I hate intervals. The goal of interval training days is to do multiple reps of 100 yards in the exact same times. I'm usually the leader during sprints or other speed drills, but I don't do well pacing for the lane. The pressure gets to me, as I know that if I can't achieve the interval split, my lane-mates suffer the consequences. I'll place myself last, which makes it hard for me to appreciate the pace. As one of the other objectives of intervals is to focus on technique, I'll select an aspect of my stroke that needs work, but I tend to over concentrate, which slows me down even more. Eventually, I'll have long lost track of my laps and I'll start thinking about work. At this point, I'm in danger of being lapped and on the verge of tears. Interval training days just shred any swimming confidence I have.

This particular interval training day was especially painful. I was struggling so badly at our lane's designated time, that I got moved to a slower lane, but I could barely manage there. I was so relieved when the workout was finally over and I got out of the pool feeling rather crushed. "Are you okay Jane?" my coached asked "You just don't seem like yourself." Before I could thank her for her concern and give an answer, she asked, "You're not pregnant, are you?"

I quickly shook my head. Although it happened over a week ago, I decided to reference the death of our friend Pierre, to try to cover what she already knows -I really suck at intervals.

As I walked out to my car, I took a moment to reflect on what just transpired. I was already in an especially fragile state and could have easily been reduced to a puddle of tears, but I calmly dismissed a reference to being pregnant. At that point in time, I categorically couldn't rule it out. I ovulated. We had coitus. Maybe the two events coincided. We all know there are couples who conceive in between treatment cycles, why couldn't we be one of them? I've had patients who commented that someone else suspected her pregnancy before she did, why couldn't this be one of those situations? Maybe I am just a little more hopeful that I allow myself to believe I am...

This bubble was quickly burst when I arrived home and found that AF was waiting for me. Two weeks ago, Husband was still on the east coast. We didn't have a chance. At least I could feel better about my monitor being inaccurate, since it didn't matter after all.  Yet, I still felt a little bitter. Another month declared null and void as we never had the opportunity to try. It just feels so far out of reach at these times.

I noticed there were only two tampons left in the box. Crap. I would have to run to the store later. I recalled at the end of my last cycle that I made a mental note that I would need to pick up another box. I remember walking past the feminine hygiene aisle and reminding myself that I would be needing more tampons, especially as we weren't IUI-ing this month. Maybe this was my way of exerting subtle optimism?

I have also been reluctant to buy a bulk supply of sanitary products. When I first had my IUD removed, and was preparing to have AF return after a ten year absence, I bought a large multi-pack. Foolishly, I thought my purchase was overkill. After all, I would be pregnant rather soon, but as tampons don't expire, the boxes could happily gather dust until I needed them again. Well, the pregnancy aspect didn't transpire, but it turns out that I didn't need the value sized box. My flow is so scant that I only need 4-5 light tampons per cycle. I gave my boxes of 'medium' and 'super' absorbency tampons to Co-worker and she went thought both of them before I finished my box of lights.

I arrived at Target and found they were running a promotion on tampons. Purchase four boxes and receive a $5 gift card. Seriously, who at the Target headquarters selects the products for these incentives?  A few months ago, it was prenatal vitamins. Menstrual supplies are the other end of the spectrum of the bain for infertiles. However, tampons seem to be more honest, as opposed to feeling like a fraud for picking up prenatal vitamins. Where the cartoon pregnant woman on the bottle of vitamins is mocking, the woman pictured riding a horse along the beach on the box of tampons is comforting; 'you're one of us...' she welcomes. Most importantly, no one questions you for your purchase. You could be happily child-free by choice or a mother of three. The clerk isn't going to congratulate you for menstruating.

I bought the four boxes, so I could receive my $5 gift card and I plan to use my reward toward something fun. It seemed appropriate to issue another challenge. We'll see if I can become pregnant before finishing this supply of tampons, but I also think I could have stocked myself until menopause...

16 comments:

  1. Yeah, pretty much every time I need to buy tampons I have the internal debate about whether to buy the big box or the little box. I should probably just buy stock in Tampax instead. I'll be keeping them in business for a while. As for interval training, don't be so hard on yourself! So there's ONE part of swimming that you're not great at...you've gone from barely swimming at all to placing in competitions in a short period of time! It does suck to have your confidence shaken like that though. Happens to me all the time when I run with one of my friends...I'm sucking wind and she's chatting up a storm. Some people would call it inspiration to improve, but it's hard to see it that way sometimes.

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    1. Aw, thanks for your support. according to my coach, her goals are to make us want to cry...or throw up...

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  2. I love your idea on the tampons vs. the prenatal vitamins. I have been taking those things for a couple years now but I sure don't feel like the pregnant lady on the bottle that's for sure. I'd much rather be her than the lady needing the tampons.

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  3. Glad to hear I'm not the only one having this internal feminine product debate every single month. When I use the very last tampon at the end of a cycle, I feel a sense of rightness at not needing to buy more. Then I had to buy pads - while pregnant - and it really messed with my mind. I have a cabinet stocked full of pads, tampons, OPKs and pregnancy tests. It's such a weird world we live in.

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  4. This post is right in line with some of my own thoughts on "what ifs". As I reflect...it's really AMAZING how many things in my life I've altered/delayed/stressed about because "what if I'm...ya know...preggo". Insurance selections, clothing purchases, travel plans, drinking, hygiene products, design of the "spare room". I just over this delaying my real life for the life I might never be able to live.

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  5. I'm with ya. I wait until the last possible minute to buy a new box of tampons, and we don't even have a hope in hell of conceiving naturally. If I were you, and I knew there was a chance I could conceive naturally, I would feel the same way.

    I hope those are the last boxes of tampons you have to buy for a long time :)

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  6. thank god the tampon women are so much more welcoming than the damn pink vitamin lady! here is hoping you don't need all the boxes! women's shelters always need feminine products donated!

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  7. "Where the cartoon pregnant woman on the bottle of vitamins is mocking, the woman pictured riding a horse along the beach on the box of tampons is comforting; 'you're one of us...' she welcomes."

    This made me laugh out loud. Thank you, Jane!

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  8. I'm so sorry about the awkward pregnancy question from your coach and about AF showing up :/

    Love your commentary on buying tampons :) I too only need the light tampons now thanks to my almost non-existant period, and it takes me forever to get through one box. LOL about the Target promotions--it's all a conspiracy to humiliate infertiles! Also, why must they put all the "feminine hygiene products" and baby products on the same aisle?? Yep, I'm here to buy pads and tampons again, and nope, I still don't need any of those diapers or pacifiers. Thanks for the reminder though, supermarket organizers!

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    1. Are the pregnancy tests are right next to the condoms and spermicides...

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  9. I recommend nixing the tampons altogether so you no longer have to play this game. Bustedoven got me hooked on the moon cup about 6 months ago, and I love the thing. I will NEVER buy another feminine product in my life. It was $25 and it will last me 10 years.

    Also, as an aside, I've been thinking about you lately. I do a lot of different kinds of exercising, but swimming has never been one of them. But one of your descriptions (maybe from February or something?) of being underwater led me to the pool. I've been going once a week (I know it's not much, but I like to switch up my workout routine) for the last few months. And I like it quite a lot, even though when I first started, I couldn't swim 2 lengths without stopping to gasp for air. I still don't have the breathing down (and sometimes I wish I could just use a snorkel, because I think I'd get a better workout if I could just breath right, forgodsake), but it's getting better every time.

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  10. ha love the target gc comment. I was there yesterday buying pregnancy tests and got $10 back for that and of course the lady at the register had to make some rude/awful comment about why I needed so many... anyway. I love target :)

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  11. Ha! I'm the opposite of you...hate the sprints, love the intervals. :) I hope you have to find storage for those tampons for a good long time.

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    1. I'll trade you, you can be my fill in on intervals and I'll do your sprints!

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  12. Ugh I am in the same boat. I am rebelling buying tampons thinking I am not going to be needing them anymore.

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  13. Last time I bought pregnancy tests, Target had a deal like that, buy two boxes get $5 reward. I'm sorry about the awkward comment from your coach.

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