Wednesday 5 August 2015

This too, shall pass...

*Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post and offered words of reassurance and support. I also appreciated all the suggestions and resources. The nurse at our baby class suggested getting a balance ball, but I never got around to picking one up. I purchased one yesterday after reading so many endorsements and it worked like a charm! I am so thankful for this community!*

A day or two before Jate's first major prolonged crying episode, my mother and I took her for a walk around our neighbourhood. She fussed a bit as we buckled her into the pram, but quickly settled as we began our walk and within minutes, she fell fast asleep. "There!" declared my mother "You can take her for a walk to calm her rather than continued breast feeding..." I was immediately annoyed. I know my mother was warned by my father that the key to us living harmoniously under the same roof would be for my mother to refrain from offering any advice that would come across as judgemental or critical. Yet offering unsolicited advice and criticising are second nature to her. Something was bound to slip out. I didn't respond to her comment, but I was pretty pissed. This was a newborn baby, not even two weeks old, and she was coming across as if I were still breastfeeding a 5 year old. Yet the comment stuck in my head. I felt as if I had to justify each feeding session to my mother.

"She can't possibly still be hungry" my mother proclaimed as Jate was very fussy on a Friday evening. Husband and my Dad were picking up take-out (and having a beer or three), so my mother and I tried everything we could think of to calm the crying baby. I was in tears by the time dinner arrived. "She sounds as if she is hungry," observed Husband. At that point, even my mother relented that we had nothing else to try. I nursed her and she went onto sleep for a few hours and had an easy night. I started re-reading the booklet I received at our baby care class. While breastfeeding, be careful of well-meaning family and friends who encourage you to breastfeed less often... the book warned.

I felt horrible. I was letting my baby starve just to appease my own mother. I was determined to listen to my own maternal instincts and would feed my baby on demand, no matter how frequent it may be, which the books inform, could be hourly. I continued to feed as I ignored the remarks such as "well, she certainly has had enough to eat." However, I yielded to another well-meaning suggestion. As I was attempting to wrap Jate in a swaddle, she slipped her arms out. My Dad caught sight of this and deduced that she did not like to be swaddled and made the case for her by using a cute little voice to express how she wanted her arms and legs to be free. My Dad did have a 3 for 3 success rate for settling her just by rocking, so maybe he was right. Maybe mine was the baby resistant to wrapping. With little hesitation, I abandoned the swaddle.

The non-stop crying would continue for the next few days. My parents would offer to hold and rock her so I could shower or eat, or just get a break, but it made me feel all the more inadequate. I feared what I would do when they left to return to Connecticut, but sooner to that date, my parents were taking an over night trip to wine country with my aunt and uncle. Husband and I would be left to our own devices, or lack there of. I was dreading being on our own. This experience would only serve to confirm that I couldn't care for my child. As if on cue, Jate began screaming her head off, just as my parents were getting ready to leave. I could see them exchanging looks that conveyed their guilt for leaving me with a crying baby. "Go." I urged them. "We'll be fine" I lied through my teeth.

I was focusing on surviving hour by hour. It was time to feed her, which is the one thing I could do to calm her, and the one time when she was quiet. I had been meaning to re-read The Happiest Baby on the Block, as I really grasp the concept of the forth trimester and I was convinced that I must be missing something. There were so many positive testimonials from these methods. Since Jate didn't allow me much time to read on my own, I decided I would read out loud to her. Our pediatrician had recently suggested reading to her, "it could even be The Wall Street Journal" (as if, I would read such a conservative publication). I knew she wouldn't have any comprehension of these words, but naïvely I hoped some of the calming methods would be absorbed through osmosis.

Fortunately, the book is an easy read, and is rather repetitive. I quickly learned my mistakes; you can't half-ass any of the 5 S's. They all must be done consistently and correctly. I fastened Jate in the velcro wrap swaddle, placed her on her side in my arms while we rocked in the glider, and offered her the pacifier as I shhh'd her loudly. It took about 90 seconds (although it felt much longer), but she went from all out screaming to peacefully sleeping. It was magic. Fucking magic. This was our breakthrough. Maybe not as significant as Helen Keller spelling w-a-t-e-r for the first time, but I felt just as triumphant! I had cracked the code and could break her out of these crying episodes.

Sometimes, it would still be challenging. She could go through a crying to calm cycle a few times before finally settling down. On average, these cycles would usually last about half an hour, which was still such a relief compared to the marathon sessions of uncontrollable crying. Most importantly, I stopped crying. I no longer felt daunted by her screams. I felt empowered. I did have the ability to calm my baby and meet her needs. It even made me feel that I just might be a good mother after all.

I also decided to re-introduce the Rock and Play (after reading Dr Karp's tips for using a swing). It's still hit or miss, but sometimes she'll spend some quiet alert time before eventually falling asleep, other times, she'll fuss and we'll try something else. I also downloaded The Happiest Baby on the Block: Soothing White Noise Sleep Sounds on to my iPhone, so I have quick access to white noise. I can hear my oh-so frugal grandfather saying "I can't beleive some guy is getting money for a hair dryer recording! That ain't right. That's a rip-off!" I would respond by proclaiming it's the best $9.99 I've spent.  The walk in the pram is still the ultimate never-fail calming method. I've done so many laps around my neighbourhood that I have taken inventory on all who are illegally watering their laws, and I've ranked the houses with the best fake grass. Instead of wanting to fast forward to the end of the third month, I'm now wary of the end of the forth trimester, as these calming methods may no longer work. I appreciate there will be many setbacks and other temperament challenges. At least for now, I've been able to enjoy my baby and feel more confident in myself.

18 comments:

  1. I'm so happy to read that things are going better! You really just have to follow YOUR instincts as you are Kate's mother. Kate is too young to really be on a feeding schedule so feed her and much as she desires. The 5 S's were super helpful with Izzy as well!

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  2. So hlad that things are going better! Phew! This is hard. I am glad you are getting somw relief.

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  3. I was told Paloma couldn't possibly be hungry AGAIN ALREADY once by my father in law and the death stare I gave him was enough that he never said it again. The 5 Ss are so great. As per Andino's suggestion, I would nurse Paloma to sleep and then swaddle her once her body was limp. That way I could take my time and make sure the swaddle was perfect. She never broke free and I believe that's the reason she was always such a good night sleeper while swaddled. I'm a huge fan of the swaddle.

    So glad to hear you are feeling good and hitting your stride.

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  4. Say no to the mommy guilt! (Says the person that was suffering her own mommy guilt this morning). I'm glad you're starting to find a few things that work for baby Jate, to give both her AND you some relief.

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  5. I am so glad things are better! I, too, thought I would die when my mom left, and then ended up doing much better after she left. She was helpful, but I needed to figure things out on my own.

    I'm also glad to have my faith in the Happiest Baby on the Block restored. I was so sad it wasn't working for you! We also spent the money on the soundtrack. And bought a bluetooth speaker to play it. But then we didn't want to leave our phones in the room with her, so we bought an ipod nano to be in there. So our "sound machine" aka "loud hair dryer" was hella expensive. But it works. And whatever works is worth it.

    I'm glad the ball is working! And you can be glad you worked out so much during pregnancy, so you have the stamina to keep up the bouncing ;)

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  6. Why the hell do people care how often you feed your baby??? They eat like an ounce or two of liquid at a time, of course they are hungry all the time. Your mother sounds a little bit like my mother in law. We got a lot of "No one ever died from crying" because we would get up to soothe the crying babies. Apparently she wants to just let them cry indefinitely.
    Glad you found your groove and what works for her and that you are getting to enjoy her now. Also, I am a big fan of white noise. The Sleep Sheep was one of our best purchases. We still put on the ocean sounds every time we put them to sleep and it's great for consistency when they have to sleep in new places.

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  7. I've tried commenting on 3 different posts but my phone messes it up!!! First... CONGRATS!!!!
    Second...had a difficult fussy baby as well. It gets better. I know you'll find your zone!
    Third...which you've just learned...listen to your gut instinct! She's hungry, feed her! Mommy knows! My Mom&Dad were very much like yours!
    It just gets better and better!
    Thinking if you!

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  8. I'm so glad that you found something to soothe Jate. My guests are finally all gone and we're on our own with A, we'll see how it goes, I definitely felt like I needed to be able to parent A without the input of others. He's still an easy baby, but I felt so frustrated by everyone else's [well meaning] advice/approach. Feeding is such a conundrum. I'm actually ignoring the advice of the pediatrician who suggested smaller more frequent feedings for A due to suspected reflux (which I doubt). But he never cried more angrily than when I limited his food. I feel like breastfeeding guidance is so much better, just let them eat when they want, but I guess the grass is always greener. It's not easy to figure out how to manage these tiny, wonderful creatures. You're doing great, mama.

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  9. Your description of nailing the 5 S's describes my experience to a T. I'm so glad that you found something that works to soothe Jate. And that white noise album was a frickin' godsend in my house. I remember when Max was 6 or 7 weeks old, people kept assuring me that it would get better and I thought, what if I just have a really unhappy baby and he's like this forever? They were right - it got better. That fourth trimester is no joke. Hang in there - you've got this.

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  10. It sounds to me like you're doing a great job- honestly! So happy you found something that soothes your sweet girl :)!

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  11. Oh yay!!!! That's sooooo wonderful! I'm glad a quick reread of Dr Karp's book helped Kate and better yet, helped you feel more confident. Despite my frustrations with all the insta-success stories while mine still screamed, we might not have survived without the 5 Ss. Like you said, 30 minutes of screaming is so hard, but it's infinitely better than hours and hours on end. Glad you've found your rhythm! Enjoy that sweet girl!

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  12. Yay! I am so glad you are feeling better. You are a kick ass mom that is for sure and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. That is hard with the hormones immediately post partum but gets easier to block them out over time. I agree that the swaddle is a godsend and the 5 Ss definitely help! I hope you are able to get a little more sleep and enjoy the lil one.

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  13. Yay! Sorry I didn't get around to commenting on your first post, but it broke my heart to read how hard you were having it. I'm overjoyed that things are getting better! I also got a ton of (well meaning but wrong) comments about how often I was breastfeeding Q. If he was fussy, it was the first thing I tried and more often than not, it worked. But as you rightly note, a lot of that stuff stops working at the end of the fourth trimester...it's where we are right now and it's been a challenging couple of weeks as I try to figure out new ways to soothe and being on sleep. Hence the lack of commenting!!

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  14. I'm so glad you found something that works for soothing Jate (love that you still call her that!). I find hearing a baby cry so unsettling, especially if it's my own. Also, I have breastfed SB for what felt like every half hour sometimes, and I'm kind of glad we didn't have visitors in the first weeks. There sure were odd comments when we visited family, but by then I think we had found our groove. My dad is a militant breastfeeding supporter, but everyone else seems skeptic. Heck, some people comment now when I nurse her. Hang in there and stick with what works, no matter what they say!

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  15. So glad to read that you are gaining confidence. Even little victories make a big difference! Laughing a bit at your account of (grand)parents "speaking for the baby" as a way of offering feedback/criticism. My parent are really very good about boundaries but my mom likes to do this sometimes and I want to say "passive aggressive much?" Anyway. You are doing great and however Jate changes, you will adapt and grow with her.

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  16. So glad to hear that things are getting better. After reading not only your post but others I'm thinking having the parents around right at first may not be the best idea. I know I surely would give some evil eyes to some of those type comments haha. I can see where I would find it comforting for the tips that do work but otherwise I think we'll just dive in together.

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  17. Yay! Congratulate yourself! Yes, what works and what doesn't will change over time, but you'll figure it out then, too. When you block out all the chatter from other people, I've often found that the things you are inclined to do are the things that work, because you and the baby are subtly communicating with each other all the time. You aren't even conscious of it and you couldn't exactly put your finger on it, but stay in tune with you and your baby and forget about all the other stuff as much as you can. It won't always be easy, but you'll drop that deep-down feeling of confusion that signifies doing things in a way that just isn't what your instincts are telling you to do. Motherly instincts work, not because the mother is suddenly some otherworldly wise being, but because mothers and particularly involved fathers are receptive to their babies' personalities and preferences.

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  18. sounds like my first 3 months exactly...right down to distended stomach. My son ended up having anal stenosis, diagnosed by a pediatric GI. Are her poops ever very loud? Also I bought the shusher "babyshusher.com" from amazon. He ended up liking that noise the best once he got to 3-4 months. We're at 6 months now and its great. It's all about survival...you're learning what works. Hang in there!

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