Friday, 28 December 2012
Destroying the Evidence
After taking the steps we did to move on after a miscarriage at six weeks, I can't even begin to imagine how much harder it is for anyone who was further along. The first step was divulging the bad news. Fortunately, we had only revealed to a handful of close friends. Is a text message an appropriate way to disclose a miscarriage? Well, I hope so, as that is what I did. I had brought home some pregnancy guidebooks that we give to our patients and Husband was diligently reading a chapter or two each night like a good student doing his homework. He tossed the books in my home office, letting them blend in with my other Ob/Gyn related text books. I had purchased some reading essentials too, Exercising Through Your Pregnancy, Runner's World Guide to Running and Pregnancy and Lose Your Mummy Tummy. I hid these books under my mattress like an adolescent boy would hide a dirty magazine. Although, I don't know if that reference is even relevant in this day and age of easy access to internet porn. Sigh, I'm dating myself. I received a Christmas card from Myrtle, which naturally featured a picture of little Myrtle. I vow that if I ever have a baby, I will not display him or her on our cards. She wrote in her message "who knew so much would happen in 2012, and now we are ringing in 2013, which I know will be your year. Good changes are coming for you as well!" I looked at the date of the postmark and tried to figure out if she sent it before or after she learned of my miscarriage. I sent her a text acknowledging that I received the card to see if she would offer any explanation; she didn't. I wanted to ask outright if she sent it after learning of my miscarriage. I couldn't endure any more of her blind faith and empty promises. Later that night I had a dream that we engaged in a bitter fight, and I decided it wasn't worth pursuing. I simply tore up the card and felt much better afterwards. There was something else I had to hide. I had pictures of my positive pregnancy tests on my iPhone. I couldn't delete them as it was the only evidence I had that I was ever pregnant. I emailed them to myself and filed it in my fertility related folder, which I named 'Garden'. I thought this was not only discrete, as I have files for other house related projects, but represents how I hope to implant something that will grow in my uterus. Finally, my home pregnancy test was negative, so I went in for my last HCG blood draw. The phlebotomist, who recognises me as a provider, smiled at me when I walked in. Her smile faded when she saw the numbers 634.92 as the diagnosis on my lab slip. As an experienced health care professional, she knew those numbers represented 'complete spontaneous abortion'. I walked out of the lab and pulled the tape off my arm. The HCG level would come back at zero, obliterating any evidence of the pregnancy. It would be as if it never happened.