Sunday 16 December 2012

Too good to be true

171. The result of my first beta HCG level validated all five regular and two digital home pregnancy tests. I was officially five minutes pregnant! For any woman who has struggled to get to this point, it is the most surreal feeling and carries mixed emotions. Infertility has become part of your identity. You have become accustom to disappointment and it is almost more comforting to believe that you won't even be pregnant. Infertility has an amazing way of bonding couples who are experiencing similar struggles. My co-worker and I became close friends as soon as started working together, but when we started encountering infertility at the same time, it brought each even closer. We both believe, that while unlucky to have fertility issues, we are fortunate to have each other during this time. Additionally, I re-connected with two old friends who had hinted at their fertility struggles via Facebook posts and I joined an online infertility forum and have forged friendships with women I wouldn't recognise in person.

My pregnancy brings relief, but it also carries a form of survivor's guilt. Informing Co-worker would be hard. I know she will be genuinely happy for me and be supportive, but I also know there will be some jealousy and difficult moments for her if my pregnancy progresses. Husband describes that it feels like we won the lottery, as not only will be be having a baby, but he mentions multiple times that we've just saved 20 grand by not needing IVF. As I nervously await my second beta results, I keep reminding him that we're not out of the woods and we haven't gained or saved anything yet. This can all be taken away from us at a moment's notice. However, my HCG is 344. Near perfect doubling in 48 hours. It feels too good to be true.

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